What I've Learned About Parenting--so far...

[This post is not meant to be well-written; it's meant to follow my thoughts as I quickly write as many things as possible--in hopes I don't forget. This list will be edited over time.]

A little note to future me:

1. You will have moments of peace and rest, but if you prop your feet up, you will realize you should totally be doing the laundry or dishes or cleaning up that mess. But, really, it's okay if you don't.

2. You will never have a lack of things to concern yourself with. Your mind will forever be thinking of the best thing for your child. The good news? You think less and less of the stresses of work and the drama of people. Your mind just can't hold all of it at one time. 

3. You will not watch a lot of television; movies are a definite no unless a babysitter is hired or baby is asleep. Again, you will realize you should be doing something more productive. But, it's okay if you don't (and you won't).

4. Meal time will be much more entertaining than it ever was, but also a little more difficult. You will eat a lot of cold food--but you won't always have cold meals, like people say. You just have to plan accordingly, or eat while you feed the baby. It's definitely a double-handed act, and only certain people will be able to do it. 

5. You will rediscover absolute beauty and joy in the smallest of things. Reading a little book? Beautiful. Noticing the wind blowing? Beautiful. Watching little hands feel new textures? Beautiful. Learning how to lift knees, even if the hands don't follow? Beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

6. Your heart will feel things it never has before, both great and sorrowful. 

7. You won't get much work done, unless it's related to the baby (diaper changes, entertainment, providing a meal, etc.) Being a teacher is not easy, but you will use every moment of your day at work to get as much done as possible. You will eventually feel sort of caught up, but then you'll get a pile of 75 more essays to grade. Hang in there. 

8. You will feel guilty at times, but you'll also be far more relaxed than expected. You will always be thinking of the best for your baby...so any shopping trip will make you feel like you should be at home playing or reading with your child. However, when he spits up in public and you forgot your diaper bag, you'll grab your t-shirt and roll with it. When he gets colds, you won't freak out like you thought you would. When you have him near your pets, you'll know his immune system is just growing, and you don't need to panic about a little fuzz.

9. Your schedule won't be perfect, but you'll get used to it. You will get up at 5:30 every day for work. You will wake him up by 6:00-6:15 every day, usually from a sweet slumber. You will get him to the babysitter's by 7:00-7:10, and you will get to work by 7:20, usually. You will go see your other "children" for the day, giving your heart to them--or at least what you can spare. You will pick your baby up by 3:40, and you will be home by 4:00. You will spend every moment with him until 6:45-7:00, and he will go to bed. It's a tough schedule, but at least he has a little schedule. Yes, it's tough, but he smiles when he see you every morning, he smiles when you walk in the door in the afternoon, and he laughs all evening before bed. He's going to be just fine, so you just move forward and do the best you can with what you have.

10. Other babies are different, but it's not difficult to simply not concern yourself with comparisons. You were so afraid of the "mom wars" everyone talks about. But now that you have a baby, you've taken charge with how you feel. Who has time for that stuff, anyway? If Charlie doesn't do everything in perfect timing, you don't care. You love him. If he can't sit up as soon as that other kid, you are thankful you get to sit with him without running after him for a few more days. If he's not eating as many solids as other children, you're thankful for more time to let him be...little. In other words, other moms don't bother you like you thought. You simply concern yourself with your family, and that is what matters. Some advice you got once was, "do what's best for your family, and nothing else matters."

11. Your house will never, ever be totally clean. I have embraced the imperfect house--heck, I always have. I had girls over for a craft night last week, and I didn't even wipe down the bathroom. I just forgot! But that's life. They didn't care, and we had a great time.

12. Your clothes will not fit for a long time, if you're anything like me, but you'll get there (hopefully). Unfortunately, because of #2, you won't have time to give a darn, even if you do give a darn. You will just keep going, day-by-day, and your coworkers won't say anything--they're too kind. Your students will even be quiet about it, but they will rarely compliment your clothes. You just have to laugh it off, and realize how sweet it is when they do tell you you look nice. One day you'll be in those pencil skirts again...one day...

13. You will become a team with your spouse. This is super cool; who would have thought you'd work so incredibly well together? However, you'll also get into annoying little fights about dumb stuff (I would so tear that sentence apart if my student wrote it.). It's not more than it used to be, but it will likely be related to splitting household chores because you LIVE IN A DISASTER AREA or something to that effect. It's really not bad. And the plus side is that you'll be more in love with that person than ever. This is yet another beautiful thing about parenting.

14. Getting together with friends and family will be much more complicated than it ever used to be. You will never again judge people who leave early for "bed time." This is totally you now, and you see nothing wrong with it! You are not about to get your kid off schedule. Even if it's not at night, though, adult time is just more difficult to find. You can't really have game night with an infant trying to grab the pieces off the table. It's hard to go out for long without planning a nap or a snack. But, you make it work. Your friends understand. You have family members to help. But you definitely don't "hang out" as often as you used to. Yes, you miss it. No, you wouldn't trade your baby for the world. Yes, you wish it wasn't so difficult now, but no, you're no less happy because of it. You don't give up on your friends, and you don't become hermits.

15. You will worry more, naturally. You're taking care of a human baby now! You will worry that he watches too much television at the babysitter's (she has older kids there--it can't really be helped), you'll worry he is not learning to cope if you run to his first cry, but you'll worry he is going to lose trust in you if you don't. You will worry that he might get the flu or you could accidentally drop him. But you try not to worry much, and when you do, you talk it out or distract yourself. He will be just fine.

16. You will begin to slowly forget about little moments and memories with your baby, and you'll try to jot them all down in a blog. Sometimes, after only eight months, you look back to the first days, months, of having Charlie. Just a few months ago, bed time meant you and Justin sitting together, hiding behind the crib, hoping he would fall asleep. It was a battle, at the time. But now, it's a really sweet memory. You think back to when Charlie was small enough to fit into the other car seat, only weeks ago, and it seems like years. You remember when he was born and he was so, so tiny, but then again, do you remember? It was so long ago, and you had so little sleep at the time, and you were constantly feeding him, and you didn't know what you were doing, but yet, do you want to forget?

Never.

17. You will totally get how your parents felt when they had you. Well, you won't really get it, but you'll know. You will think, "How could someone love me as much as I love Charlie?" but they did, and they do. They were young once. They did everything you did. There are parallels, and now that you're old enough to realize them, you will continue to learn, humbly.

18. You will know (or not know?) so much more about parenting than you ever thought possible. This is because you're in charge. You were meant for this. You are a great parent. Your baby knows you love him. You will love so deeply, and that's all he needs.

Things About Charlie: December 2014

Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Spread the love! Peace to all!


Here are some new things about Charlie:

1. He has discovered stomping his feet. When he's lying on his stomach, he will lift his feet up and bang them down onto his crib. When he does this, it echoes through the house. It sounds like bass music. 


2. He loves to cuddle. Charlie meaningfully cuddles against me now. He will lie down with me, curl into me, and rest his head on my shoulder. It is something I've been waiting for. I comfort him so easily now, and it's beyond incredible. He's actually a little clingy at times, but I'm loving it.



3. He has started waking in the night a bit more often than he used to. When he does, #2 helps him go to sleep, which is so sweet, and it's something that never used to help.


4. He's wearing 18 month clothes, for the most part, and he's 7.5 months old. They fit him really well, for the most part. Many 12 month clothes either are simply too tight, or they are too short.


5. Sitting and waiting in his room for him to fall asleep is a thing of the past. Now we have a new routine: (bath some nights), read his books (at least three), bottle, cuddle and rock, place in the crib, leave the room. We then watch him on the monitor every few minutes, and he fusses sometimes, but then he is soon to sleep. It's really beautiful, actually.


6. He still twirls his little hands when he is upset or when he's hungry. Who knows if he'll outgrow that one, but I've heard some babies do it, and he's definitely one of them! People seem to think it's wildly cute.


7. His hair is to die for. It is so fluffy and soft, and it sticks straight up. There's a little boy at our church who had hair very similar to Charlie's, and I would look at it in awe (this was before I had a baby), and I thought to myself, "how lucky that family is to have an adorable boy with such hair!" Who would have thought my little guy would have the same? I don't know any other babies with hair like him!


8. He seems to be getting closer to talking now. He likes to make noises that sound like words, but we're not going to fool ourselves by saying he has said the "first word" yet. What he says doesn't really mean much at this point. It will soon! Wow..



9. He can sit up, but he's not crawling yet. He can finally sit up! He still tumbles over sometimes, but it's a big step compared to a few weeks ago. He looks so independent. Can we just stop time now, please?



10. He has caught his official second cold. He has quite a cough, but you know what? He is really handling it like a champ. It is barely noticeable--until he suddenly coughs, and it sounds kind of bad, and we remember he's sick. Poor guy.


11. We have changed car seats! Charlie is now in the next seat up. How crazy is that!? He's over 22 lbs, which means the other one wouldn't hold up any longer.


12. He's eating lots of different foods, and we're soon going to start him on "our food." His favorites are sweet potatoes, apples, and other fruits.


13. "He has the most adorable laugh...adorable laugh," says Justin.


14. Charlie enjoys playing some little games now, like peek-a-boo, or another little game where Justin holds something for him to grab, but then takes it. It's really cute.


15. He hasn't encountered "stranger danger" or any shyness yet; he seems pretty open with everyone. He does, however, get very serious around new people. He won't smile or laugh until he takes everything in. Then he might finally show them his cute side.


16. He analyzes things. He will hold something in his hand and look at it from every angle possible, turning it and studying it.

"it's just grand, dear"

When I wrote 11/25/13 next to my grandmother's picture tonight, it really hit me. That is her day, and it has one been one year. I miss her so, so much.

I hear her voice all the time.

"It's grand, dear."

"The weather is just beautiful, dear."

"Oh, honey."

"Well, you tell them your grandma said..."

"Give all my love to Justin and the animals."

"We're doing just fine, dear."

"Oh, yah."

"Oh, you poor doll."

"Oh, gahl."

She will never be gone in my mind or heart. I will continue to learn from her. I have learned more about life since she's been gone, contemplating what I could have done differently, but also what I did do and have done that she would be proud of.

I love you, grandma.

"Mommy centers his world."

Last night I had parent-teacher conferences. I left Charlie with extra cuddle time in the morning, knowing I wouldn't see him that night to put him to bed. When I called Justin to see how everything went, Charlie was soundly sleeping. Justin said he was pretty fussy, crying during his meal and unhappy with anything except constant entertainment. When I asked him if something was wrong with Charlie--maybe a stomach ache--he responded with this:

"No, he's fine. But mommy wasn't there for him. Mommy centers his world."

It was so sweet to hear those words. When I'm gone, I know that Justin can handle the "duties." Justin puts Charlie to bed every night, and I love that. However, part of me knows that Charlie is forming a strong bond with Justin, just like he has with me, since Justin gets him up and puts him to bed most days. Every now and then it's nice to hear that I'm still Charlie's center. This is especially sweet hearing it from the other person who wants to be his center just as much.

My Six Month Goal

When I had Charlie, I had a goal in mind: I wanted to breastfeed for at least six months. I knew going back to work would be hard, but I was willing to struggle for a while.

Charlie is almost six months, and I'm happy to say that I've met my goal. Have we been supplementing? Yes. But I've been able to keep up with at least partial feedings for the past six months. He breastfed exclusively for two until I had to go back to work.

It has not been easy, and I'll tell you why.

When he was born, he was perfectly capable of breast feeding, but I wasn't very helpful. It's hard to explain, but I had to get some help. I ended up with a nipple shield. I love this little tool so much, and I wouldn't have been able to nurse Charlie without it! What's weird is that the lactation specialist was trying to avoid having to use one, and she waited a couple of days before telling me about it. Thank goodness she did! I've known women who were never told about it and were never able to nurse.

With that said, it still wasn't easy. The first couple of days, you have to try to squeeze any bit of colostrum out possible. One little drop was worth it. There were moments, though, when I just wanted to cry (--I did, once). My milk wasn't in yet, and it felt like I was starving him. He lost almost a pound in the hospital. I pushed on, though, knowing how much I wanted my goal to happen.

Finally, my milk came in once I got home from the hospital. This meant that I became a moving, breathing machine, producing milk at any sound of whimpering or crying. I nursed him every 2-3 hours for what felt like months. Luckily, Justin wanted to help feed him, so I would pump every now and then to produce enough to get away for a while. I would go out to get coffee and drive for a couple of hours, and Justin would feed Charlie a bottle at home.

The difficult times continued, however, because I was always anxious for my milk to come in. If I left for a couple of hours, I would be full by the time I got home. I was constantly feeling my milk come in, which meant I was also feeling pretty guilty about not being home to feed him.

I thought I would be a professional pumper and stash loads and loads of breast milk in my freezer for the coming school year. Sure, I tried, but I also was not willing to constantly be pumping or constantly be stuck at home. I just couldn't do it. I knew he'd be okay if I didn't. So, I did what I felt necessary. I would pump extra and store it. I would use it when I was away at summer school. If I needed to go somewhere, I would use the stored milk. Basically, I continued to nurse him any time I was home, and I pumped when I was away. I didn't, however, stick to the pump-all-the-time-and-have-a-major-treasure-of-milk idea. Looking back, I'm so glad I didn't. Here's why:

Nursing Charlie also meant nursing him at night, and boy, did he love that. He woke up one to two times--sometimes three in the very beginning--at night, and I was the only one that could feed him, so I would get up and nurse. I sat on my phone and scrolled through pages and pages of Pinterest, and I would read any Facebook news--I'll tell you that not much happens at 3 a.m. It was a long night. Each time he nursed, it was forty minutes to an hour, so each time I was up, I lost an hour of sleep. This was absolutely exhausting, but I also didn't mind doing it (most nights). Justin knew how scared I was of lack of sleep and depression, so he would get up with me many times and just sit. He would lie down next to me as a support. Sometimes, he would sit on his phone and play a game. Either way, I was so thankful to his companionship. It gave me the strength to persevere. After a number of weeks, we regained hours of sleep when Charlie only needed it once or twice each night, and soon after, we realized he didn't need to eat at all. He is happily sleeping through twelve hours without milk, and he's still growing beautifully.

The beginning of my milk depletion was summer school. It was for two weeks, and I was only there from 8 a.m.-12 p.m.; however, it was much different than being at home. I could only pump once while there, on my break, for fifteen minutes. When I sat in the nurse's office, all I could do was think about how little I was pumping because it was such a short break, and I had to get back because my high schoolers would have a party without me. I didn't want to inconvenience people to watch my kids. I was only working the mornings, so I figured I shouldn't ask for too much.

After summer school, school started about three weeks later. This year we started with two full weeks of teacher work days, which meant I jumped right into full-time work. I had to consider my schedule and decide how to accomplish everything. Justin and I started getting up really early, and as new parents, I'm glad we had the two weeks to get ready for kids. We needed that time to get used to our schedule.

I tried to nurse Charlie in the mornings, and I did for quite some time, but eventually it got to be too much. The mornings are precious; this is the time I can make lunches, feed the animals, and get work done at school. Charlie took about forty minutes to nurse! This meant I was losing almost an hour of my morning time for "duties" to sitting on the couch. Although I absolutely cherished every minute of this, it just wasn't realistic. I needed more time in the morning, or I would be completely stressed out and late for work.

At some point, I decided to pump in the mornings before Charlie woke up, and this worked wonders. He held his hunger at bay until getting to the babysitter's house, and we now have that routine! I then pump again at work, and he eats twice more at the sitter's. He's not hungry when I pick him up, but a few hours later, I nurse him before he gets a bottle. I don't have enough milk to satisfy him anymore, so we do both. Sometimes, he blissfully falls asleep in my arms, and we then wake him, read to him, feed him, and put him to bed. Other times, he gets so distracted by me, he'll just stop, letting milk dribble down his face, and stare into my eyes.

It has been an incredible six months. When he was little, I was his everything. He needed my milk to just get through another two hours of baby time. He was so hungry all the time, and he was very little. I was there to satisfy him and make him grow. Each time I fed him, I envisioned him growing inches upon inches and getting bigger with each suck. Turns out, that's what was happening, and I'm so thankful. Now that he's bigger, nursing is the one thing that can calm him down in a matter of minutes. He loves it so much, and his cheeks get pink with warmth and enjoyment. He cuddles up to me like he did when he was so tiny, and he sucks with efficiency he lacked months before. It is ultimate comfort for both of us. I know that he feels safe.

As these six months come to a close, I still nurse Charlie when I can, which is usually at night. I still look down at him in amazement. Am I really feeding this human being? Am I what makes him grow? Did I really produce this heavenly liquid without doing...anything at all?

Yes, it was hard, but I've made it to six months. Charlie has made it to six months. I am so incredibly grateful for the time I've had breast feeding, and I hope it will continue! My next goal is to make it to Christmas, and then I'll see if I can make it until May. I'm just glad I've made it this far, teaching full time and parenting full time. I realize that some women can't nurse at all, and some have to stop sooner, and I'm so thankful.

Charlie's first time in his high chair

Now it's okay to admit this: I bought this high chair for around $20 from Craigslist...before I even knew we were pregnant! It was the summer before (we got pregnant by September), and I had a good feeling it was going to happen before the school year. Since I never have much time during the year, I used my summer to buy cheap baby stuff to help us financially in the future. This was a total steal!! It's been sitting in the dining room ever since, ready for our baby. Today, I decided to try it, and he's big enough--finally! He seemed to enjoy it, even though it's made of wood, and it's not that soft. It's the Eddie Bauer high chair (Target), and I recommend it!

sleep

Sometimes I have to just stop and think back to when Charlie was little.

When he was first born, he did not want to sleep. Every night became a battle. He would sleep for an hour, wake up for an hour, sleep for two, wake up for one. He had to nurse every hour or two, and I was barely making milk for the first few days. To say it was stressful is an understatement. I actually felt physical anxiety for each night. The anxiety would hit around mid to late afternoon because I knew night time would be upon us soon. I'm proud of myself for getting through each night, though, with strength. I don't think I ever had a huge break down. I mostly had tears every now and then. Lack of sleep and stress will do that to me.

At times, J and I got so desperate for sleep that we would get him out of the basinet, which was at the end of our bed facing the night light, and place him between us on the fluffy white blanket, the quilt, or the down comforter, whatever we had that night. He loved being there, and he would fall asleep for another hour or so. This was dangerous to do, but we were careful. We were so tired! I just remember waking up off and on and wishing he would stay asleep for hours. It was exhausting.

Charlie slept in a swaddler at this time, until he was a few months old. We had to wrap him tightly, which was very difficult, but it kept his hands from flailing around to wake him up. He sometimes sweated through the wrap! This is probably because he didn't like being wrapped, so he'd try to get out of it every night. We had about three swaddlers we switched out each night, and the biggest stress was not being able to find one that fit.

When he got a little older, I remember him sleep four hours straight! That was amazing. He started doing that very early on, so we weren't without sleep too long. It's still incredible to think that Justin and I went weeks waking up every four to five hours! I realize we only got through this because we had summer break. Thank goodness for maternity leave right before break. Having that time with him really helped. I knew I didn't have to get up for work at five the next day!

When he first slept over eight hours, J and I woke up shocked. We checked the monitor, hoping to find a breathing baby. Amazing! He slept through the night! What I always remembered, though, was to never expect the same thing every night. I have always prepared myself for change in a moment's notice, and it's a good thing! This eight hour thing was so sporadic. It was never constant! We were so glad when he did, but we knew it wouldn't be every night. If only!

Then it happened. He started sleeping through the night. He did this for a couple of weeks until, suddenly, he got fussy and started waking up around 3 a.m. every night. I didn't know why! We realized within a couple of weeks--Charlie was teething! He has two teeth! I'm almost sure that explains the random wake ups.

But now, alas! He has been sleeping through the night for about a month now, and it's amazing. I know it could change at any time, but I'm taking it for what it is! He now sleeps in pajamas and a sleep sack. We successfully switched him from the swaddler, which was quickly too small, to pajamas. Justin did this by taking one arm out one night (the night after he decided he was able to roll over to his stomach), then both arms a few nights later. This got him used to keeping his hands out. Sure enough, after a few days, he slept wonderfully.

Now I look at him on the video monitor (which is an awesome investment, by the way), and I can't believe he's so big. He still looks like a baby, and maybe that's because he's still pretty bald, but he is growing, growing, growing. His hands have more chub than before, and they hold mine with purpose. His face has more expressions than ever, and I can picture him as a teenager already. He can fall asleep without much of our help, and he barely has a night light in his room. We cover it mostly. That is amazing! We've gone from most lights on, in the living room, hoping for just ten minutes of sleep the first week, to the enjoyment of putting him to sleep by bathing him, reading him books, feeding and rocking him, and letting him fall asleep on his own within minutes.

God is good.

Dearest, dearest Charlie...

Dearest, dearest Charlie,

You are my heart. You are my heart, out moving around, filled with curiosity and wonder. You are my star, and you light up this dark world. There's so much going on in the nation right now that makes me want to cry: ISIS, Ebola, missing children, murderers, and more. Each day, I hear about these things on the news, but I turn away from them to look at you. Sometimes I get scared. Should I have brought an innocent, beautiful baby into a world of darkness? But then I look at you and realize the world isn't as dark as it seems. If you exist, so does goodness and love. I am thankful for you and the joy that you bring into this world, and because of God, this world is much brighter than it could be. This world is a gift, and I'm so glad you get to experience it with me.

You've really started to grow more lately, and it's making me feel a tugging in my heart. I don't necessarily want the first few days back--days one and two, where you wouldn't sleep well, and we slept in the living room, just to keep things easier and more accessible for all-nighters. But you've reached five months so quickly, and it almost hurts. It hurts in a way that is indescribable. It's not a bad pain, but it's something that tugs.

You are so beautiful as a five month old. You are getting so big; your swaddler only covers your legs now, and it used to be so big, we had to fold it down! That leaves me in amazement.

I learn from you every day. You're so happy in the morning. You are unaware of anything imperfect, and you see me with bright eyes. You smile as soon as you can, and you always smile back. You laugh at the silly little noises I make, or the books your father reads. You laugh at me moving your little feet around like you're dancing, and you laugh at daddy making funny noises. You are blissfully unaware of any bad moods or bad days. It's probably because you brighten them. Each day I come home, no matter what I've dealt with at work, I forget about it all when I see you. You erase what matters at work and you make me realize what matters at home and in my heart.

You just started cuddling more with me this past week. It started last weekend. I would pick you up, and you would lay your head on my shoulder. You hadn't done that since you were a few days or
week s old. You were a little too curious and interested in the world for a while. But you're back. And I love it.

You have been sleeping through the night all week! You finally got used to not being swaddled, and you are a wonderful sleeper. Your father and I have been very "strict" on your bed time. The truth is, mommy doesn't do well without sleep, so she knew she would have to be really scheduled with this--to help everyone. So, every night at 7 p.m., you go to bed. We give you a bath, if you need one, we read you books, and we feed you. We put you down in your crib, and we wait.

We wait on the floor next to your crib some nights. Both of us wait in your room, especially on the weekend when we aren't rushing to prepare for the next day. Sometimes your father and I lay in each other's arms, listening to you breathe, while also anxiously hoping you'll fall asleep again each night. I had a fear of no sleep before you were born, but I decided to live night by night, doing whatever we thought was right for you, and realizing that "each night is different." I've kept my expectations low, and I've stayed pleasantly surprised for the most part. I never thought I would actually be in your room because I wanted to be, but the truth is, your dad is a great story-teller, so I like to listen to him read, too, when I can. And the mystery of whether or not you will sleep keeps me interested. I want to learn as much as I can about you, and since daddy usually puts you to sleep, I stay in and hang out when I can. We both love you so much, and we just want to be near you sometimes. You want to be near us, too. You sleep on your side or your tummy now, and sometimes you sneak your way over to the wooden slats and peer down on us, as if you've "caught" us. It's adorable, although horribly distracting to you, and we have to move you back before you are able to sleep. I don't worry about you sleeping; you're a big guy now, and sleeping on your stomach is alright. I've still checked the monitor in the past two weeks more than I have since you were born.

Did I mention you're teething? Yes, you, a little five-month-old, have two teeth. Two! You started out with one, which could explain a few fussy days, and then suddenly you had two. Two little teeth are growing next to each other and showing up with your big smiles. Amazing. Sometimes I have to remind myself that you're a human being, and you're going to change, change, change, until I'm gone and you're still growing up, and you're a man. Life is just incredible, and I love you dearly.

You went to your first pumpkin patch today! You were just so darn cute. I love carrying you around to show you things, even though you will never remember it. I want to remember it, and I'll do my best, so I can tell you about it when you're older. "When we first took you to the apple festival pumpkin patch, your father and I forgot the diaper bag and money. So, we just walked around, hoping you wouldn't explode-a-poop or spit up, while stashing a t-shirt from the car in the stroller for any accidents." True story. Each little trip is so special to us this year, as they are all "firsts," and I have a fear that I'll forget some of the funniest or sweetest first moments with you. I take pictures, I live in the moment, and I write. That's how I'll remember. Then I'll tell stories to you, all the time, until you know them yourself.

Your dad and I joke: "How will we ever do this much for our second kid one day?" The truth is, we probably won't be able to. We'll be busy running after you while trying to somehow go through the early days of baby at the same time. I can't even imagine! So, no, maybe we won't do all of this for our second kid, but I'm going to hold on to each moment I have with you, because they're meant to be special. Sure, the second kid might be treated a little differently, but we will are allowed to enjoy each day with you before that time comes. Plus, they'll have you to give them attention too, so they'll be fine.

Yes, there's something super special about you, Charlie. You are our first baby, and you are teaching us how to live all over again. You are showing us what is actually important in life. You are teaching us the huge rewards for parenting, and we're listening to your doctor when he says that you're going to "keep rewarding" us the older you get. You're getting us away from our television and bringing us outside to kick a ball because it makes you giggle. You're making me happier every morning, forgetting about grumpiness. You're opening my heart to a vulnerability I never knew it had. I feel for you, I feel for other parents, I feel for people in other countries who are sick, I feel for families who have lost loved ones. It's scary how much I feel now, but it's also incredibly soothing. You're making me realize how much my parents love me. You're making me believe everything they've said. You're making me understand parents at school when they have concerns about their child. You're making me even more empathetic. You're making me sad for children who lose their parents early. You're showing me the love you have for me and your dad. You're making me pray more, and trust in God more. He gave you to me, and you're the best thing that ever happened in my life. How can I not trust? How can I not have faith? How can I not be thankful for each day?

I can't wait to see where this adventure leads us. I know it's going to be difficult, and I'm going to lose my cool. There will be some dark days ahead in life, but you'll be right next to me, right? We will get through it together. There will also be some vividly and beautifully bright days ahead, when you have to stop and remind yourself that it's real, and you'll be right next to me. We will live as much as we can, together.

Love life, Charlie. We are going to have one hell of a time.

love,
mommy

This Week.

It has been a long, long week. There are so many things that happened at work and at home, it's hard to keep track.

To start the week, a student of mine was in a bad car accident. Luckily, he is okay, but it really jarred me to hear his name when I heard the news. It really made me think deeply about how much I love some of the students I teach, and how sad I would be to no longer have them in my life. I taught this student two years in a row, the second being when I was pregnant, and he still says hi to me in the hall. These little moments will a person add up to create a little bond, and if something were to have happened to him, it would have broken my heart. Thank goodness he's okay.

This time last year, my family and I were planning the quickest way to get to the north country to see my grandma for the last time. She got sick on October 7th, sent home on October 25th, and died on November 25th. Needless to say, this season is likely going to be a sad one, bringing back some memories. It's hard to believe I spent my Thanksgiving on a twelve-hour drive last year, eating McDonald's for lunch. It was a blessing that we didn't have Charlie at the time; we wouldn't have been able to take the trip at all. As much as I wish my grandma could have met him, the timing was meant to be. I am reminded of her often, and mostly when Charlie does something new, or if we have any obstacles with him. I always wish I could ask her about it, or tell her new things. She would always have something positive to say, no matter what. She would say to continue doing things the way we feel is right. Breathing the mountain air in reminds me of the coolness of her porch in the summer. Everything is going to remind me of her this fall, and it's going to be tough, but she wouldn't want us to be sad. She is with God rejoicing her in family and her heath. However, I will never stop yearning for her, to talk to her again--about anything. I would ask her everything I wish I had asked her -- more about family history, about raising children in the 50s, about being a housewife, about the secrets of gardening. I love you, grandma. Missing you dearly.

Now for a little letter to Charlie, and I'll save it for its own post...

Sideways Sleeper

Charlie definitely sleeps sideways now!

After the late night on Saturday night--midnight, to be exact, we went to bed earlier on Sunday. However, Charlie woke up around two with a new skill: rolling over. It took about an hour, but we unswaddled him and put him back to sleep. We can't swaddle anymore because now he can't roll back over!

How does he sleep? Well, on his side! Just like me. :) It is adorable to watch him in his little sleeper sack roll around. He always ends up on his right side. The only issue is that is rolls into the slats of the crib, which makes him wake up. We were up Sunday night for about an hour, but I couldn't sleep after that (shock that he rolled over, I think), so I was up from 2:45 a.m. on that day, and that's how I started my week! Not so good. He woke up twice last night, which wasn't terrible, but it's still exhausting when I started the day off the wrong way.

Let's hope he isn't too excited and he doesn't move too much tonight. Fingers crossed!

5 months old!

Charlie is going to be five months old in three days. Where has the time gone?? He is ever changing. He rolls around a little more, holds his bottle, relaxes for longer periods of time, smiles a lot, holds our hands with meaning, and so much more.

Our newest accomplishment has been eating food-- bananas for the first time! We tried giving him some about a month ago, but he just didn't have any interest, and he kept naturally spitting it out. This time around, I couldn't keep his little fingers out of the bowl. He LOVED it! It was so fun to watch, and we even recorded it.

He is now in size 3 diapers, so we're starting to stock up on that. Shopping trips are few and far between, but I feel good about spending money on things that actually matter--such as raising a child.

There are just so many things that we see every day that are different than the day before. It's incredible. I'm so, so glad it's only been five months with him. I CAN wait to see what happens next; I want him to be little forever. However, I am excited to see all of the different stages. Life is a wild, beautiful gift. Charlie has taught me that over and over again.

As far as this weekend goes: J and I went out yesterday while mom watched Charlie, so that was very nice. We went shopping for new shoes for J and some new pants (what he owned now had holes). He found a sexy pair of black dress shoes, and two pairs of pants. We came home, and I went to help with the school dance. That wasn't so bad, and it's always fun to see the kids.

Each day has more meaning now that we have Charlie. I don't dread Sundays anymore; I don't mind the upcoming work week--maybe because I'm excited for each new day with Charlie, and each obstacle ahead is just another goal to get through. Unfortunately, work is going to get harder in the coming weeks, but it'll be alright.

Have a great week. xo

Working Mom

Being a working mom is not the most popular decision in the area that I live, but it has been the right one for us so far. I can't say that it's easy, but it hasn't been horrible.

During the weekend before school started, and week one of school, I was dealing with a kidney stone. I was on a lot of hard medications, so each night I would come home, feed Charlie a bottle, wait for Justin, take the strong medication, and fall asleep or doze for the remainder of the night. I barely knew where I was, and I was just trying to avoid taking a day off. I was in a good amount of pain, and by each evening, it was at its worst. I would go to sleep, dreading the next day ahead.

After getting rid of the stone that Saturday, I had week two of school ahead. Well, I made it to Wednesday before I had a breakdown. Looking back, it was really week one of school. I was actually feeling well enough to be me, I was getting to know the kids, and I was teaching better than the first week. I was also more aware of my emotions. So, naturally, on Wednesday, I collapsed. All I could think about was the unknown happenings at the babysitter (bad ones--all in my imagination), the hours away from Charlie, and the idea that he could love someone more than me one day (the babysitter).

I'm happy to say that I'm doing great, and it's week four of school! Yes, I'm sure I'll have my set-backs, and my depressing nights or early mornings, but I've finally gotten into the groove of my life, and I'm enjoying it so far. I am on a set schedule, which I know would be hard for me if I were home all day. Charlie is in the care of someone I am learning to trust; trust takes time with me. After school I get to rush to see his smiling face, and he is my incredible reward after a long day. He is a wonderful almost five month old, and he is mine.

I am no longer worried about the time spent away from him or him loving someone else more than me. He seems to appreciate me every day and love me. There has been no regression in his love--he only seems to show love more.

Yes, I know the days will be long, and the hours will be short. I know some days will be much worse than others. I know that one day I'll want to quit my job, and I know that one day I'll think Charlie loves me less. I know that life will get even harder with more kids and less money, and I know that there will be obstacles more than a few times each year.

But I also know how much I love my son, and how much he loves me. I know how easy it is to forget everything bad in the world around me and just look in his eyes, assured that everything will be okay.

my face

Last night, Charlie woke up at 2 a.m. He has started to wake up once every night again--who knows why--but J is usually the one to get up, so I'm okay with it.

However, last night I decided to get up to help. I changed Charlie's diaper quickly, and since J wasn't in the room yet, I took a few minutes to just hold my baby. He stared up at me lovingly. He then reached up with both hands to feel my face. He felt all over, as if he was trying to remember how it felt for later. He would then drop his hands and stare at me, only to do it over and over again. It was the most precious few minutes. It was one of those defining moments in life that reminds you of how lucky you are to be alive and experience just five minutes with the best gift God can give.

I'll never forget how he felt my face and looked at me. As I said, he repeated it numerous times. J came in the room ready to take over, but I just couldn't get up. I told him to watch, and Justin watched as Charlie learned about his mommy. I then stood up to let J put him to bed.

I'm telling you, though, that was one of the coolest few minutes of my life.

4 months old (continued)

Charlie is four months old! Sometimes I look around for the person actually in charge of raising a little baby, and I realize it's actually me. It's so surreal.

Things have been going well lately. He's nowhere near as fussy as he used to be when he was younger, and he is becoming an absolute personality. He coos and laughs when I talk to him, and he imitates sounds. He tries out his voice a lot lately. Last week, he was doing a little screech over and over again. It was absolutely adorable, but it was also a little annoying lol. Luckily, he only did it for two days. Lately, he has been sticking his tongue out a lot while laughing. It's hilarious to watch, and he had never done it before. He's experimenting.

He also really likes to move his feet back and forth along his mirror in the car. The mirror moves, and he watches it, soothing himself.

Another change I've noticed is he seems to like being cuddled just a little more than before. He just seems more human now--with each day. It's incredible.

With all the beauty of parenting, there are also many questions and frustrations. Having two full-time teachers in the house makes it difficult to get things done. Sometimes it feels like I just have so much to do and so much on my mind, I could just break down. But I don't. And amazingly, most of the time, it's not at all overwhelming. It's just different.

I also notice that I think a lot about Charlie's well-being. I worry about him at the babysitter's without me; it's not that I don't trust her, but it's just that I can't see him. If I hear him getting a cold, I want to hug him that much longer before bed. If he's sleepy, I hate to wake him up. There are so many little things to think about now, and so many reasons for them, but many times you have to go against what you actually think is right or possibly what you would rather do.

I have to wake him up because I have to go to work.

I have to bring him to a sitter because I choose to go to work.

I have to give him saline drops, even if he hates it.

I have to give him formula sometimes because I can't produce enough milk after my kidney stone incident.

You see? It's all a little blurry...what's right, what's wrong, what's BEST, what's possible...

But, we do our best. Parenting is weird. Somehow, we've been trusted to take care of this beautiful, beautiful human being. We don't know any answers. This is what we say a lot: "You know as much as I do!" In other words, I know jack squat. But, we do our best. We're learning as we go, and we're loving it.

Yes, sometimes it's hard to go to work, but I get to see him at the end of the day, and I get to talk to my other kids about him at school.

Yes, it's hard to bring him to a sitter, but she's great, and she helps out in many ways.

Yes, it sucks to give him formula, but he's handling it well, he's fine with any bottle we give him, and I am still able to nurse him a couple times per day.

You see? It's all a little blurry...

There is one thing that is perfectly and incredibly clear: I love Charlie with every little section of my heart. I love him in ways that I have never loved before. He is part of me, part of a gift, part of naivety, part of innocence. Charlie is my heart. He's not walking around yet, but I can imagine this little adventure will get even harder when he does. I'll have my heart tugging on me wherever I am, always wanting to find its way back to my body.

The other night, after giving Charlie all the love we had and the star treatment before bed, Justin asked, "How will we ever do this for a second kid?" We busted out laughing. It's so true. I know I'll love my second kid just as much as Charlie, but there's something absolutely thrilling and special about the first.

My heart aches when I think about how quickly he is growing--and how old I am growing with each day. I'm going to try to not worry about the world--and instead just love as much as I can. The world needs more love these days, anyway.

xo

teacher talk

"[This] has stuck with me for years: 'They need to that you care before they care what you know.'" -Bob Sullo, Author and Educational Consultant

"I started my teaching career in an alternative school in a rough part of town. My mentor told me 'Don't take it personally. The students want you to hurt as much as they are hurting.' I have never forgotten that and each day, the slate is wiped clean and I harbor no grudges towards my students."
-Lisa Brown

This, too, shall pass.

So from the title of this post, I want you to know that I am once again a kidney stone-free woman. I feel free, and I feel like I need to re-introduce myself to Charlie. He hasn't seen me in over a week! -- meaning, I haven't been nursing him, and J gets up in the night if Charlie wakes up, which has only been about two nights all week. 

This also marks the beginning of week two for school. Week one went really well, and I really enjoy my students. The classes should go really well. I'm pushing forward quickly with the new curriculum, and before I know it, we'll be jumping in to Of Mice and Men and To Kill a Mockingbird. Phew. 

In other news, sweet Charlie turns FOUR MONTHS tomorrow, which is hard to believe and completely believable, all at the same time. I'm pretty sure the one year mark is going to come so quickly, and that's when I'll cry because I'll want it all back. He is getting so, so big, and it really makes a girl emotional. But so does a kidney stone. Screw that kidney stone! 

Now that I can walk without hurting, laugh and talk without hurting, sleep without heavy pain pills, and drive whenever I want to, life should be much more enjoyable. I'm hoping to start after-school walks with Charlie because this lady is getting too big. I mean, I'm the biggest I've ever been! In one sense, I'm beautiful, because I birthed a baby not that long ago. But the other side is that um, it HAS been four months, so why have you gained weight?? You should be losing weight! Yes, story of my life right now. I'm not sure if it's because I've been sitting a lot with the baby all summer and being sick, but it is not a good feeling to go the opposite direction from what you had hoped and imagined. 

So yes, I guess this marks week one of hopefully moving more. Charlie usually is well-fed by the time I pick him up each day, so it is probably the perfect time to walk with him. It used to be that he was starving when I picked him up, and we had to rush home for milk a.s.a.p.

Is it bad to say that this week has been somewhat nice knowing that J has been handling all night nights and overnight wake-ups? It takes the pressure off of this nursing/pumping mom. Plus, it's much, much faster. I think we might just use breast milk in a bottle at night and in the middle of the night. That way I don't have to nurse him for a long time. Plus, since he rarely wakes up these days, my body is used to not nursing, which means I wouldn't need to pump in the middle of the night. Praise the Lord!

Well, I hope all is well out there for those few who read this blog. It's weird because I get little moments here and there of freedom, and I never know what to really use them for. Earlier today I graded with some time that I had, which makes the week less stressful. But, I have to say, all I've wanted to do recently is read a good book. I'm going to continue reading Outlander, in hopes that the beginning starts getting much more interesting. I've heard from so many that it's a great series, so I've got to catch up.

Talk soon.

xo

Kidney Stone

Kidneys are not kind.

Stones in the kidneys are quite painful.

At work yesterday, which was the last work day for teachers before school starts, I had a bad pain in my back that led to the front. It just kept getting worse and worse. I tried to ignore it, I took Advil, I sat against heated seats, and I tried stretching, but nothing worked.

For the first time, I had to leave work early because of health problems. I was stubborn enough to want to drive myself, but when I was needing to bend over my car door just to sort of feel better, I decided a friend should bring me.

So, a friend drove me to the ER on Friday morning, and sure enough, I have a kidney stone.

I got sick three different times, too, during this process, which never makes anything better. Today I felt great all afternoon, but now I'm in a lot of pain. I guess going to walk around a store and cleaning house for a while really did me in. I'm taking the strong medication as I type.

It shows how strong the medication is, but it also shows how painful the kidney stone is. A little 4mm stone can really, really hurt. And yes, I'd say it's somewhat like labor, but I would say it's only about 1/5th of the pain. Now, I had a natural birth, so I compare it to that. Those with epidurals probably would think kidney stones hurt pretty much like labor pains.

So yeah, here I sit. At least I have plenty of junk t.v. to catch up on.

Churchill - The War Within

Dearest Charlie Part Two - at 3.5 months

As many of you read, I wrote a "Dearest Charlie" post back in April before he was born. Well, here's another letter to Charlie after three and a half months with him. I go back to work full-time tomorrow, so this felt like an appropriate time to write again.


Dearest sweet, sweet Charlie,

I love you.

I knew I should have never questioned that before I met you. I feel exactly how I expected. I am positively in love with you. I've gotten to tickle your belly and rub your hair, smell you, hold your hands, touch your toes, and kiss your cheeks.

I thought I'd be nervous, and sometimes I am, but this has been such a natural experience so far. I thought you'd be more to handle than you actually are, and for that I am thankful. I've wiped your tears after you wake up hungry and crying, I've rubbed your forehead to soothe you, and I've rubbed your back to show you I'm close. You are on a flexible sleep schedule, and I don't worry about it as much as I thought. I get more sleep than I ever expected, and it's hard on the nights I don't, but not as hard as I thought. I am usually not grumpy, and when I am, you cheer me right up. I wake up a little mad that I have to get up to feed you, but once I'm in the nursery with you, that all disappears. I love you so much, and at this point, it feels like I would do anything to keep you safe and happy.

Everything was perfect when you arrived three and a half months ago. Everything was fine.

Being a parent is not easy. It feels natural, though, in a way I can't really explain. Yes, it's physically tiring, and yes, it can be very emotional, but I stay happy and I smile and I don't cry like I thought I would. Little did I know, I really enjoy the work of being your mom. I pushed you out, and I did and still sometimes stay sore, but my bladder is stronger than expected, and my stretch marks don't bother me as much as I thought they would. I do, however, plan to wear a one-piece the rest of my life, and that's okay with me. You're worth it.

We have had good days and bad days, as expected. You may have seen my cry once or twice, in the very beginning, but you wouldn't have known. Your eyesight was blurry for a while, so technically you didn't see much of anything. I know we'll go through rough sleep patches, but so far it's been okay, and I haven't cried over that. We'll see how I am when I start work full time. Things are looking up. Time has passed since the deaths that once affected me. They still do, but I don't have time to think on them much. I miss my grandma more than anything, but I know she's looking down on us, and your blue eyes tell me that. Maybe they'll change, but I like to think you'll have eyes like hers. I put your pictures in albums, wishing I could bring them to New York to show them to her, but I know she'll meet you one day. I wish, so badly, that I could introduce you to her, to talk to her about you, to let her hold you, but in that I am selfish. She is in Heaven where she is living without trouble breathing, and she can see us peacefully. She has been showing herself in the cool summer we've been having. I know it's her giving us one more cool New York summer, even though we couldn't make it up there this year.  She knows that we wanted to, but we also didn't want to be sad all over again. She wouldn't have wanted me to drive Charlie all the way up there, anyway, so I know it's okay. Charlie, you have been healthy from the start, and that tells me you'll be okay. You'll be whoever God want you to be, with whatever problems are meant for you. It won't be because of my pregnancy. You are beautiful.

You were a big boy at 8 lbs 15 ounces! You have long, long limbs. Your arms and legs are incredible, and your long little toes and fingers. I don't care one bit that you pushed on me. You lightly push me now, when you're nursing. You grab me when your sweet hands, you wrap yourself around my waist, and you lightly kick at my side, so excited to be getting milk. It is incredible. I love you under my ribs. I love your length. I love your weight.

Charlie, I love you so much. I still use profanity, and your daddy calls our "earmuffs!", as if you know what I'm saying. I guess I need to change that bad habit of mine when I get irritated. You watch us play games, now, and you hear me sing. You hear daddy sing, and you love it.

Speaking of your daddy, he friggin' loves you. He is absolutely in love with you. He doesn't call you a ninja baby anymore, but he talks to you all the time. He reads you stories, he walks around outside with you, and he really knows how to make you laugh. He is, in fact, the one who made you smile and laugh for the first time. How lucky is he? He takes you on walks, offers to watch you when I want to go somewhere, and he has always loved playing with you. He quietly takes you in every day and every moment he's with you. I knew he would be great.

Sadie has become your second mom, and Ava is curious. Sadie is very protective of you, as she has been from day one. Henry, on the other hand, is quite aloof. He coudn't care less, and he just moves along with himself in his own little cat world. You don't seem to notice the animals much, but you do like to look at Sadie.

I love you, Charlie. I start work tomorrow, and I don't know what it will be like. I'm almost sure I'll have a break down in the coming days. I'm going to realize that this is a full-time job, and so is parenting, and I'll have to do both at once. Please be patient with me, Charlie. I will do the best I can.

I love you. I can't wait to see you after my long first day of work tomorrow.

love,
mommy

3.5 months old

Charlie

...loves to keep his hands up near his face. It comforts him.

...moves his little feet back and forth slowly when he nurses. It reminds me of how adults move their feet around before or after sleep.

...hates riding in the car at times. He has to have a nice full stomach and be in the right mood to not cry.

...laughs a lot more now. He laughs when we make faces or tickle him.

...is starting to look like an older baby--as of this week.

...is going to the babysitter's tomorrow to start full time, and I'm freaking out.

...talks a lot in the middle of prayer at church, and I secretly love it.

...loves his little lion toy that hangs from his mat.

...hates tummy time. This kid will likely sit up and roll over later than most babies.

...loves being outside. If he's upset, that's all we have to do. I love sitting with him and my morning coffee--along with Sadie--to watch the leaves move.

...grunts very loudly when he is pooping. It's hilarious.

...makes me want to move to a house with a basement. I have a strong urge to protect him, so this no-basement house is getting a little old.

...nurses for around forty minutes, and he always has!

...has started to giggle a lot more now; the best laugh was when I made his feet move like a piano and sang the notes.

...makes me want to stay in our house forever, knowing that this is where we began a family.

...loves to be close to my chest. He falls asleep while nursing a lot, and I can tell he just loves being there.

...makes me dread the day I'll stop nursing because of how much I love him close to me.

...is starting to like the swing more and more now! He seems to enjoy watching what's going on around him.

...wakes up once a night, most nights, then again at 4:30-5:30. Some nights, however, like last night, he slept from 9 p.m. - 4:30, then again until 8:30. It was great.

...makes me feel so guilty for having to wake up him early for work. He won't get those extra few hours we give him now.

...has beautiful blue eyes, and I'm starting to wonder if they'll change. They look hazel sometimes.

...only has maybe two pairs of socks that fit him. His feet are so long! His legs are starting to chunk up, so maybe we will find more soon.

...cuddles against my shoulder at the end of a long day at the babysitter's house. He's exhausted, and I secretly love this time I have with him.

hold and grab

I just want to jot down that Charlie, for the first time, actually grabbed a toy we were holding in the air--and shook it a little. He actually flung it as far as he could.

It's so funny; as parents, when he does something as simple as that, we know how BIG of an accomplishment it is, and it feels so amazing when we see it happen.

I'm so happy to see what comes next.

Thoughts on Charlie and Motherhood

Disclaimer: I barely get time to write anymore, so this is a patched-together attempt at a blog post about the thing that has changed my life completely: parenthood. This post likely be edited later, but heck, I have to get something "down on paper" before I run out of time before work.

Every day, my brain starts thinking of the perfect words to express how motherhood feels, but I never seem to stop, reflect, and write. Writing is something that frees me in ways that nothing else does, yet it's one of the hardest things for me to do sometimes--now, mainly, because I have a 13-week-old infant.

On May 6, my life looked like this: daily grind, sit at home and do whatever, go on dates whenever, and sleep in till whenever on weekends.

On May 7, I went into labor.

On May 8, I had the most beautiful baby boy, and my life now looks like this: get up and think about Charlie, think about what's best for Charlie during the day, watch t.v. while I nurse every two to three hours, get distracted by said show because I am watching my son breathe and move his toes in content and release a long, happy sigh; get Charlie ready for bed, go to bed, check the monitor to make sure he's out, wake up one to two times per night to nurse him, wake up early for either work/errands/Charlie or time-before-Charlie-wakes-up-bliss.

And guess what? My life is enriched more now than it ever was. Those days of sitting around all the time to watch t.v. or sit on Facebook or (cough) write blogs are now days of watching my son grow with little steps each day, making sure he gets adequate food, checking on him while he sleeps, washing his many loads of laundry--just to name a few.

I'm not going to say life is easier. It's quite the opposite. But it's more rewarding, and it's more meaningful. This is not to say that anyone without a child doesn't have a meaningful life. Please don't read into it that way. I'm simply finding the good in a new lifestyle.

Let this be known: I try not to worship my son or live only for him. I once read that it's good to follow this order: God, spouse, child. I am trying to keep that in mind, but I'll admit that it's so hard! The last thing on the list just happens to be the cutest little creature I've ever seen, and heck, my husband can take care of himself! With that said, I'm trying to evenly distribute my love. I think I'm doing an okay job so far.

I am finally here to tell you about motherhood and my life so far, but where do I start? There are so many things I want to say, and so many momentous occasions I want to record, but where in the world do I start? I guess I'll tell you that the reason I'm really sitting down, finally, to write this is because I start work as a high school teacher again in just a week and a half. To say I am nervous and sad is an understatement. I'm totally freaking out. I know that there are tons of working moms out there, but sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by SAHMs. There's nothing wrong with either lifestyle, but let's just say I'm hoping to find some friends who are working moms! Luckily, there are many moms at my school, so I look forward to having something else in common with them.

With that said, here are some thoughts about motherhood:

I thought it would be much, much more difficult to have a baby. Don't get me wrong: it is difficult. However, I used to think ahead to life-with-baby, and I thought it would be nights with NO sleep and days with NO fun. There's this weird habitual joke with many parents to say, "Oh, kiss [insert something blissful you enjoy doing in life] goodbye after you have that baby!" This is completely untrue. Now, it's true that you won't really have time to do many of those things, but let's not forget the reward in their place.

It has also been easier to continue doing things I love because I have an extremely supportive and active husband. Without him, I could see the more negative side of parenting, but thankfully I don't have to. I respect and praise all single parents out there, or all spouses who are in one-sided relationships.

Two different situations with two complete strangers really made me think about parenthood. Both happened at my retail job.

First, when I was about 30-35 weeks pregnant, I got on a small ladder to get some shoes down for a customer. I was wearing an apron, so she didn't know I was pregnant. A co-worker called across the store, "Dianna, I'll get that! You get down from that ladder. You're pregnant!" Suddenly, all of the women surrounding me on the floor rushed to my aid (as if I had actually fallen). "Oh honey, be careful! You have the most precious gift right now; you need to take care of it!" I wasn't offended by their advice at all. I mean, I was really pregnant, and I was pushing the limits. I tend to be stubborn, and I don't like to look incapable of doing things--like getting on a little four-foot ladder. Little did I know the reaction I would get! The point of this story is that the women then crowded around me, asked what I was having, what his name would be, when I was due, and any other little question I got every other day. However, instead of joking about how much life would suck after having Charlie, they genuinely looked me in the eyes and told me how incredible it would be. They told me I would enjoy every minute, and I would love the experience. They told me there was no love like the love I would have or Charlie.

That was the best time to hear those words--when I was really pregnant, working seven days per week, and starting to get nervous about labor.

The second conversation was about six weeks into parenthood. Justin was back to work, and I stopped back by my retail job to show my friends the baby. I was waiting on a friend to get off the phone with a customer when a woman walked up to me and Charlie. I had him sitting in his carrier on the counter. She immediately asked how old he was. When I told her he was (four or six?) weeks old, she proceeded to gasp and coo and smile. She went on and on about how incredible being a parent is, how precious Charlie was, and how much fun, fun, fun he would be. She got so excited, she even turned to her husband and said, "Honey, come here, it's a sweet newborn; come look." He then reached over Charlie and smiled at him, commenting on how sweet he was. Turns out, her husband was a teacher also, so we also had that in common. It was so cool. She was openly discussing how amazing parenthood is. Now, let's not get this confused with people who say, "Enjoy every moment. It will go by so fast." Sometimes, that can make new parents feel like every moment should be perfect. What if we don't enjoy the high-pitch screams? Instead, this woman calmly expressed how incredible it was, without making it seem either 100% perfect or 95% terrible.

I read an article on HuffPost once from the point of view of a new mom. She said that at one point, she was sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, so she took her baby to Target to walk around. While shopping, someone stopped to say how absolutely cute her baby was. Just this little positive conversation helped the new mom feel great and remember how cute her baby really was--by cute, I mean all-around precious--and it reminded her of the good needed to get through the next few days. Even though I'm having a much easier time than this mom, it really made me think. We should all stop to say how sweet a baby is, instead of staring or not saying anything at all.

I digress.

Now, I should first mention that Justin and I are both on summer break. This has made the transition into parenthood much smoother, I'm guessing. We have worked together as a team through everything, which has been awesome. We are home with Charlie much of the time, so we've been able to hang with him before going back to work in the fall. Life will be much tougher when school comes along, but we are cherishing what we have now.

Here are some things that get difficult with a baby around:
1. watching juicy television
2. writing blog posts (this has taken me days, people)
3. going to bed without thought
4. sleeping through the night
5. carrying a large amount of items
6. showering
7. grocery shopping
8. taking pictures
9. going to the store
10. going on trips
11. game nights with friends (now, impossible)
12. shopping for clothes/shoes on your own

Here are some things that make the difficult times easier:
1. Charlie's genuine smile
2. Charlie's scent. Justin says he smells good "like his mommy."
3. His bald head. Seriously, it's great. It really gives him that old man look.
4. Shared jokes and laughter between Justin and me in the middle of chaos.
5. Seeing Charlie grab, hold, and move a little tiger stuffed animal for the first time.
6. Hearing Charlie "talk."
7. Making Charlie laugh by blowing on his stomach.
8. The look I now share with other moms in stores.
9. The openness of my mind now that I know what having a baby is like, and it's humbling.
10. The moments when Charlie will actually cuddle with me under my chin.
11. A super helpful husband
12. Friends that work around the baby naps and early bedtime

After reading the list, realize that humor is key. If Justin and I didn't laugh, make fun of the baby and ourselves (in a loving way, of course), make some dirty jokes and call out "earmuffs" when Charlie's around (as if he knows what we're saying), we'd be pretty serious people. When we go to work, it will be harder to be as "chill," but with some laughter, lowered expectations, and non-serious attitudes, we should be okay. Each day (and night) is new. Things change all the time. Embrace change.

Right now, life is great. Sure, when work starts, it's probably going to suck for a while. The best thing I can do is realize that life isn't perfect, no baby or relationship is perfect, and no lifestyle is perfect. I need to stay positive. I need to enjoy each little thing Charlie does; one day he will be so big, I won't remember when he was a baby--which is why I'm trying to write more on this blog.

I don't write or post to make anyone think I have a perfect life or a better life than him or her. I write so that I can remember. I'll be posting more soon--including my birth story. For some reason, I don't want to forget that, either.

More soon.

D

family of three

smile

One of his first smiles, captured this morning!

4 weeks old

[written earlier than posted--Charlie is now almost 6 weeks old]]

My sweet, amazing little boy is four weeks old (yesterday), and I don't even know where to start. First of all, here's a post I did on social media after the first seven days of being a mom:

7 things learned in 7 days of parenting:

1. J can now safely and believably blame farts on the baby.
2. Getting out of the house takes an unknown, lengthy amount of time.
3. Every look and smile from Charlie makes me at least okay with the crazy experience of labor and birth. I could sit and stare at him for two hours straight (check).
4. It takes a newborn baby in my car for me to finally change my bad driving habits.
5. It takes about five days, but I finally feel confident in my ability to be a parent. Justin has been amazing, and he has completely stepped up as a wonderful dad.
6. People want to help and stop by and bring food. As much as I want to do everything myself, it is not realistic. I take the help gladly.
7. What's left of pregnancy weight and stretch marks doesn't bother me much because I'm a warrior woman, I birthed a baby, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Now that it's been four weeks, there are at least twenty-five other things I would need to add to that list, but I guess that wouldn't be fun to just write a big list. Well, maybe it would. I do like lists. I'll try not to make it twenty-five more things.

[after four weeks]

8. It is possible to go places, and it can be fun, but having a newborn adds an entirely new element. Are they going to cry in the coffee shop? Can I carry the meal I bought and the carrier?
9. Long baths at night are appreciated more than they ever, ever were. I like to make them last as long as possible. 
10. Reading for fun must be done in the bath. Otherwise, it will never get done.
11. Charlie changes every day. He looks so old sometimes; I feel like I can see him as a teenager sometimes, and it's amazing. 
12. I love being with him, but after a long day, my yearning is to get out, take a drive, and get away by myself for a while. Luckily, J respects this, and it doesn't happen every day. It happens about once a week. 
13. Sleep is never guaranteed. It is very sporadic. And it consists of bringing out the boobs every time I'm awake to feed the babe. And that takes about forty minutes each time.
14. I never thought I could feel like a cow, but it is definitely possible and true. Having a machine suck our your nipples right before your eyes is a little self deprecating. Especially when your husband has to laugh at it, too. 
15. I am with Charlie all day. J is at work all day. With this said, I have very quickly learned Charlie's cries and personality, and I think it will take a lot longer for J. I can also change a diaper in record time, and J takes like ten minutes. It bothers me, yes, but he's learning. 
16. The car does NOT always put Charlie to sleep. There have been a couple of scream-bloody-murder-until-home rides. Luckily, they were only about fifteen minutes, but my ears were definitely ringing afterward.
17. Babies fight sleep. It's so annoying! Just go to sleep! Don't you realize how amazing sleep is!
18. Watching shows will become a very interrupted task. 
19. I am a better person because of him.
20. My husband and I make a great team.

Meet Charlie

8 lbs 15 oz
20 inches

He's already changed so much, but here's one of the first pictures I took of him.

I'm perfectly in love.

Pre-baby fun

pre-baby activities

In the two weeks before Charlie's due date (which has now passed), we have kept busy. I've been working every day, but listed below are some other things we have done:

- April 19: ice cream with Matt and mom who came to visit!

- April 26: Art show with Dana and friends for school. 11-3. Good times, beautiful artwork, mom brought us lunch and bought Charlie a super hero cape!

- April 27: BLT with avocado sandwiches, friends over from work, game time, lunch on the back deck under the umbrella

- April 30: to my attempt-to-get-things-rolling appointment with Dana; doctor was sure it would work! Afterward, we got a great "last meal" of Chinese buffet, which I hadn't had in forever. SO GOOD. Then we go Castor Oil and called it a night.

- May 1: Nothing worked from the previous day; realization that it could be much later on started to settle in, along with my loose stomach, went to work the next day anyway, after only sleeping a couple of hours due to fake contractions and stomach fun! :) It's a good thing I didn't stay home from work. I would have been wondering if something would happen all day, and sure enough, it still hasn't!

- Captain America: Winter Soldier (not sure what day), but we were the ONLY TWO PEOPLE in the theater! It was AWESOME. I thought it was meant to be, totally.

- May 2: downtown mall for Fridays after Five, pizza, music, tried to find the lemon cupcakes but they were closed, didn't take the elevator in the parking garage, cleaned glasses at the mall, too swollen to go to the movie

- May 3: The Amazing Spider Man II, shopping trip to Anthropologie, coffee at the best place, lunch with mom, visit from Steve, cleaned car, ice cream with Lindsey and John, new knife set (lol), J sent me flowers and I almost told the lady "I'm not interested in anything you have." It's a good thing I didn't because it was a home flower delivery. Those things always freak me out lol. J gave me a beautiful card and a sweet gift commemorating the babe.

- May the 4th be with you? More than likely, no. It's already 10:30 a.m., and I'm not feeling any different. My labor will likely last into the next day.

- Cinco de Mayo? Day of the Dead? As weird as people may think this is, I think it's a sweet birthday for a kid. We have hispanic culture in our small northern family, and this day doesn't have to be dark, so it'd be fine!

- Next big day? May 11, Mother's Day. Sure, this could be nice, but I'm not sure if he would want to share a birthday with a holiday?

I'll probably be induced before then, even though I don't want to be, because Charlie will be getting big, and the doctor will want to get him out while he and I are still healthy!

We've done more than the list above, but I'll edit this later. I just had to jot down a few things!

WISH US LUCK!

See you tomorrow at work...