December 14

Nine years ago, it was freezing, we were in college, and Justin and I had our first kiss in my parents' driveway. Now, we find ourselves back at my parents' house (while our house is almost done being built), during an unseasonably warm fall. We took a walk tonight and happened to see a shooting star. Then another! Turns out, it was, and is, a meteor shower, and we saw twelve beautiful paint strokes. It is so nice how we were able to just lie down in the absolute silence to take in the night. Nine years ago, we were standing in the driveway, wishing we didn't have to separate for the night, staying warm in our winter hats, knowing we would get married one day. Now, we're married with a toddler in tow, together always, and still able to watch the stars. Life works itself out in such beautiful ways; even when surrounded with sadness and terror, and even if we have to bring the baby monitor out with us, we can enjoy the peace of the sky we all share. It really is beautiful.

Update

Eyes tell you a lot about a person. Sometimes people don't even look you in the eye when they talk; others can only look for a few moments before feeling strange. One of the most beautiful aspects about an innocent, unbroken toddler, is that he looks me in the eyes without thought or concern or question. He can just stare at me, smiling, and I can safely stare back. There is absolutely nothing unnatural about it. This goes on as long as we want, until he finds something else to fully focus on. It really is a simple thing I've noticed, but it's just incredible, and I'm really thankful.

Something else I'm thankful for is the fact that our HOME is finally getting started. It will arrive on Nov. 12th, get set on the lot on Nov. 13th, and fingers crossed, get completed by Christmas break. Incredible. It's surreal seeing it going up on our lot. We never thought we would build so early in our marriage. Although it's a modular, it is going to be just as special because we picked everything out. Our 2-acre piece of land is beautiful, and I can already feel how relaxing it will be. Driving over an hour to work every day, along with coming "home" to a crowded upstairs area, is not ideal. Yes, we are thankful, but it isn't home. It's very chaotic, really. So to finally know we are getting close is the best feeling.

Here's a little bit about our home:

one floor with an unfinished basement
three bedrooms
master bedroom on one side, bedrooms on the other
master bath with large tub and walk-in shower (J and my wishes)
pantry (something we've always wanted!)
place for the animals, finally (basement)
three windows in the living room out the front, which should be nice
laminate hardwood floors; we're used to carpet! this will be great

I'm having trouble envisioning everything and how I'm going to decorate. Part of me wants to keep things basically the same as my old house because I loved it that much, but the other part of me wants to change things up a little to keep it exciting. If I keep anything the same, it'll be the living room with my eclectic, worldly atmosphere. 

Moving on: Charlie is incredible. He is becoming such a little personality, and it amazes me how small he is, yet how much he knows. He's saying some words: dagoo (thank you)--which he says for any exchange whatsoever, Hokies! Let's go! ("Taco!"), door, shoes, daddy, mommy, doggy, graba (grandma), grapa (grandpa), ball, that, baba (banana), uh oh, no, truck (f***), this? (points to something), hot, and a few more that I can't remember.

He smiles and flirts, plays peek-a-boo, leans in for kisses, comes for hugs when we ask for them, picks up trash (adorable), puts things where they should go...

He sleeps with my old baby blanket or the quilt his nanny gave him. He's been sleeping through the night for weeks after a short spell of poor sleeping for a couple of weeks. 

We did have our worst sickness to date just two weekends ago. He had a high fever and he threw up in the middle of the night. He didn't throw up more, but he kept the fever for a few days, and he felt terrible. We took him to the doctor, but they just said it was a virus. That weekend was VERY stressful because J then caught the stomach bug and had to take off work after he had already taken off for Charlie. We barely got through the week (it was English testing week at school), and then I caught the bug that Friday after, which kept me down all weekend. Overall, it was a rough, dark, depressing two weeks! I figured out I don't handle stress well, especially with sickness. I get worried, which adds to my tension.

Charlie also lost a patch of hair around that time, which was and is concerning. He might have Alopecia, but we really hope not. I've mourned for a couple of days thinking of this possibility, but I realize if it's the case, he will be just fine. It's nothing health-related--just looks. We'll be loving parents and help him get through. However, it could just be that he, coincidentally, rubbed or pulled some hair out. He could be doing it at the sitter's where we can't see him or at night. We got steroid cream to try, but we're going to just have to wait it out. The spot got bigger today, which worries me, but we just have to keep pushing forward and hope for the best. I can't say I'm remaining super positive, though.

All in all, it has been a very chaotic two weeks. We've had such joys and such stress, all mixed in one. Now that we're in the clear with sickness, at least for a while, I feel a brighter world around me, ready to handle the tasks of parenting and teaching. It's definitely not easy! But we'll get there...

xo

Something to look forward to --

November 12th is the official date that our house should be delivered, and the 13th is the day it will be set! This is, at least, what we've been told, but we notice that it's not always accurate. If it is correct, this is really exciting news! The basement will have to be completely done within the month, which means we will--or at least, should--actually see some progress being made in the coming weeks.

Does this mean it's time for me to get excited? Yes, because I realize once it gets here, I'm only going to have about a month to amp up for the big move in--okay, probably two months, but still.

I noticed this weekend that I haven't been enjoying this whole process. There are a few reasons why: I'm living in a strange, small space, I'm working my butt off at school, I'm nervous about money and closing costs, etc. I need to remember that building a house is something we will likely do only once in our lives, so why not enjoy it? I started some Pinterest boards last night with names like "MBR" and "New LR" in hopes that I can daydream about it a little. It might take me away from some stress at work!

We've had an eventful few weeks--mostly at work. I'm not going to write much about it, but let's just say there was a threat at my school, and I was stuck in the office for over four hours. It was not pleasant, and I questioned by job and duty as a teacher that day. I questioned if it was all worth it.

I guess it is?

Other than that, Charlie has been absolutely amazing. He is growing so quickly, and he's saying words like "cheerios, yes, no, ga-pa, ga-ma, pap," and more. He's adding more words each day, it seems.

He kissed me for the first time on 9/11--right on the lips. I had been wanting that kiss for...FOREVER! I would see other babies kissing their moms at like 8 months, but nooooo, he makes me wait for it! That night for bed, he let me kiss him on the lips four or five times. Now he is ready for it every day. Yes!

Charlie loves playing outside with a big ball, and he loves blocks. He loves music and singing and laughing. He loves going "outside with daddy" to walk the dog. In fact, if Justin doesn't take him, he throws a fit!

This year has been so difficult, but I'm glad I have my little guy to come home to. He takes a lot of work, and I definitely don't sleep in anymore, but he has enhanced my life in ways I can't even describe. I'm thankful for him every day, along with his dad. J knows how to calm me down and keep me going.

xo

Seeking Some Closure...

I drove by our old house tonight.

I was on my way home from going to town for an annual thrift sale at a church. I had dinner with friends, and since I was already late getting home, I figured another few minutes wouldn't hurt.

I first stopped at the grocery store for some milk. This was our neighborhood store, so it was familiar, and I saw the regular workers who I hadn't seen in weeks.

Then I used the new road to the apartment complex (newly built and opened since we left) to get to the neighborhood. This was totally new and different, so I was already feeling the change.

As I drove through the familiar road, I saw the same cars in the driveways, the same lights on and off, and the same friendly neighborhood homes. When I passed by our old house, I wanted to turn in. I wished, in that moment, that I could go back to our house and have it the same as it once was. The new owner/tenants had some lights on, but they specifically had one room brightly lighted with the window opened. It looked like maybe a treadmill was in that room. What was weird about this is that we never had that room window open. The blinds were always shut because it was Charlie's room. That room was always the darkest and the lights were off the earliest. With the new owner, that was the only room being used.

They had the back light on, which we also kept on for a few weeks when we first moved in, before realizing how safe the neighborhood was. There were dimly lit windows in the other parts of the house, and I could picture exactly which light was causing the glow.

The problem with driving by again was that it made this huge change--the change I haven't been thinking about--a reality. I realize that people move all the time, and someone owned our precious house before us, but it doesn't make it any easier to move. I lived in the same house for thirteen years growing up, so it's been a tough transition for me to move after only three-and-a-half years.

As I drove by, I couldn't help but feel emotional.

Once again, I saw the memories flooding back, and I could see us in the house at 8:30 p.m., sitting together on our couch. In the winter, we might have a fire going, and in the spring, we'd have the windows cracked to let in the cool air. Every night I would look around, so thankful for our home and for everything in it. We worked so hard to get that house, and we loved it so, so much.

There were a few things about the house that we knew would be problematic over the years, and for that, I am thankful we were able to move out so quickly.

Besides the physical house, the location was perfect, the yard was where Charlie's little feet took their first steps, the trees sheltered us from the harsh winds and rains, the deck provided a place to socialize with friends and family, and the porch was where Charlie and I would wait for daddy most days while listening to the birds.

The layout of the house was perfect. Charlie would run in circles from the foyer to the living room, then to the dining room and back again, stopping at the front glass to look out. We helped him learn to climb stairs on our L-shaped staircase, and I also fell down them a few times (as did Charlie the day we were moving out). I carried many loads of laundry to our sweet mud room. Our couches fit like a glove in our living room, and the fireplace was so beautiful. The kitchen window looked out into the wooded yard and the colorful umbrella on the deck. Our bedroom was so big compared to what we had in the past, and our walk-in closet was like another room. The guest room used to be J's game room and soon became a guest room with a bed. Our nursery was the most beautiful room in the house. It had the best light from the sun, and it was in the trees. It was Charlie's room, and that made it so special. We spent months decorating our house to what we liked, and the love showed.

I hope the new owner likes the house, and I hope they'll take care of it. We loved that house, and we always will. The new house will be wonderful, and once we break ground, my excitement will cover my emotions. Living in a small space doesn't help me feel better about things, that's for sure.

Until we get into our new house, I'll try to imagine the new owner enjoying the house as much as we did, and I'll pretend they left my golden-yellow wall the same because they liked it that much.

Are things calming down? Finally?

I can safely say that things are looking up. We signed the contract for the house this past weekend, and we only have two forms to give the lender guy before we get this thing rolling. The house is being ordered and put into production now, and the lender is about to send in our loan application.

We are so friggin' excited.

With that behind us, I can also say that I'm finally enjoying my job. There are some really nice people at my school, and the kids and I get along fine now for the most part.

Now that I know I'll have a place to live near my job within just a few months, and I like my job, I'm feeling MUCH better about the new location. I have always said my heart is in the city I was born, but the truth is, I never really fit in there. The new town is more diverse and more of a mix of people and incomes. It's a beautiful area, and we're going to live near a lake park with mountain views. Sure, you don't see the mountains as much as in my parents' town, but you don't have to drive far to get the view. There's also an incredible across-the-horizon view of the mountains on the way home every day, which is beautiful.

Charlie is saying more words now, and he is known as the "clown" at the babysitters. This is a compliment from them. She thinks he's going to be a happy kid. She also thinks he is the silliest kid she has ever had. She said that! Haha. So, we're in for it. He's going to be a goof. You know what, though? I am so happy that he loves his little life right now. I'm so happy with his name. I'm so happy with who he is becoming. He's such a trip, and it's true, he's happy most of the time.

I have a ton of papers to grade and a test to write tonight, so hopefully I won't be up too late. It's Thursday tomorrow, which makes it almost Friday!

Ciao :)

Four Weeks in and Living with the 'Rents

We are now four weeks into the school year, and we've got two weeks under our belts living with my parents. What in the world has happened since the last time I wrote? Well, here are just a few things:

Our house miraculously sold in THREE days. We spent all summer getting it ready. Basically, we didn't have a summer at all. We prepped and cleaned, moved items to storage and packed a ton of boxes. It was insane. We listed our house on a Saturday, I think. On Sunday, we were on our way out the door to go bowling when Patti called to see if we could do a showing. The house wasn't ready at all, so we spent about forty-five minutes of hell trying to get it to look (and smell) nice. We decided to do the best we could, but we figured it wasn't a serious showing. After he saw the house, we got a call saying that he loved it and they were thinking of doing an offer. Sunday evening comes along and we were given word that he would indeed be giving us an offer, and he wanted to know the lowest price we would take. By Monday, we had a secured offer, and we accepted.

Insane. Oh, and did I mention this?

It was a full-cash offer, and he didn't want a home inspection or ANYTHING. All we had to do was a bug check. Insane. Insane!

All cleared and our house, within three more weeks, was suddenly changed over from our home to his investment. We found out that he plans to rent the house.

We tried looking into a rental, but it was just too much work. The house was large and it needed some upkeep, and I was worried about the heating and cooling bills. We couldn't find a nice small place with the time we had. So, we went to plan B: moving in with my parents.

I called friends to get help moving, and we took one day two Saturdays ago to move the rest of our stuff (some is in J's grandparents' basement) to a storage unit in the town we are now working in. Insane.

To say I've thought a lot about our old house would be a lie. I'm purposefully not thinking about it because of how emotional it was to move. I was fine until the night before our move (a Friday night) when our two friends J and L came to help us pack the truck. I walked to the back yard to take a picture, and suddenly all the memories from our home came flooding over me. I thought of our cookouts, our walks with a little baby, our summer afternoons pre-baby with Real Simple magazines and feet up, our lights shining out of the windows, our music coming from the kitchen door, our red umbrella covering the sun, our incredible trees hugging us each day, and our walks under the moon when we were first home owners. I saw it all, and the tears started forming.

After I got rid of my thoughts, I was fine until the next day. J and I finished everything up, and we had to run back to the house to clean and leave the keys for the next owner. We sat in our living room, looking up at our ceiling. I thought about the night we first moved in, completely in awe that we finally had our home--our house--the house I said I had to have before even thinking about having a baby. I remember the lights were out and we were exhausted from the move. We didn't even have furniture to fill the house yet, but we were so, so happy. It was our house, and it felt so big, and it was beautiful. I couldn't wait to decorate it. Suddenly, here we were, only three-and-a-half years later, sitting in an empty living room, imagining what the next person would do, or if they would keep the golden-yellow wall I spent so much time deciding on.

And we were moving into the upstairs of my parents' house.

With that said, it's been going fine so far. It's only been two weeks, but we have our own space, and it's a pretty large space, and we are all so busy, there's not much time to think about the situation. We are extremely grateful because this means we'll be able to build a house.

So, on to the good news: we have a lot, and we're building! We found a builder to help us with the cost while building, so we are able to pick everything out and build a little, sweet house on a 2-acre lot. We cannot wait. It'll be a while, but it's a modular, so it's quicker than stick-built. We are moving to a neighborhood we looked at ages ago when we first explored the Culpeper area for possible "future" homes. Little did we know we'd be moving in a matter of months. We loved the neighborhood then, and we love it now. There are more houses going up, which is nice, but everyone has at least two acres, so there is some separation. The neighborhood started with an HOA and other regulations, but the home builder went bankrupt, so the bank now owns many of the lots. Because of this, the neighborhood is beautiful, but there is no HOA! We are looking forward to it so much.

We've picked everything out to the exterior roof color. It's been crazy. And it takes much longer than we anticipated. Now, we are preparing to sign the contract this week and get the house ordered. Then we just watch and wait!

Something keeping me joyous in all of this is Charlie. He has been an absolute joy in my life; it just keeps getting better and better. I love that he has a personality now, and he's hysterical. Even the new babysitter says he could easily be a class clown one day because he's so goofy and he laughs at himself all the time. I totally see it. He is such an incredible little guy. He's 16 months, and each month I love him more than the last. He's starting to talk more now, and he will, at times, repeat what we say. He babbles constantly, but he seems to have actual babble conversations with us now. You can tell Charlie understands what we say because of his facial expressions, but then he'll babble back. It doesn't make much sense, but you can tell he has a sense of what we're discussing, and he thinks he's saying something right back. It's hysterical.

He sometimes cries when I walk away, so that's new. I don't mind it because it's not often, and it shows me that he really does know that I'm his mom, even though I'm away at work all the time.

Sometimes he walks like a little old man with his hands held behind his back. It is adorable. He walks and babbles as if he is contemplating the world.

He loves eating, and he'll eat just about anything that's put in front of him. We have no trouble in this area whatsoever!

There are so many new, wonderful things about Charlie these days, but I'm not going to remember them all. He is just my blessing, and I'd be lost without him.

As far as my job goes, it's going. It's a different world, but it's a good one. It's new and different. I look forward to the day I know more teachers and students because I'll feel more "at home." Right now it's still early enough that I yearn for the love of my old students and old friends. One day...

That should get us caught up for now. This is probably poorly written because of my cold, and because I'm trying to write as much as possible without forgetting. I'm sitting upstairs now, on my mom's little couch, watching J play a game, excited for our future. There's definitely a little anxiety mixed in, but it'll work out. "Everything will be all right."

Can't Get Enough of the Cuddles

Charlie has really started showing some love in the past couple of months. Today I played a mini hide-and-seek game with him (I was out in the open), and when I stopped turning to say "here I am!" I heard him waddling over to me. He started breathing louder and louder, and next thing I know, I feel his little hands on my leg and he's leaning on me. I turn and see him with his head turned, leaning into my thigh, like a pillow. He was hugging my leg, basically. It was so, so sweet. He was making sweet little noises and cooing away.

He's also started talking more, and it's hilarious. He doesn't SAY anything, really, but he babbles like he's telling the best story in the world. He also dramatically lifts his hand and motions it back and forth as if he is showing us the scene in the air.

Amazing. This kid is amazing.

Back to summer school tomorrow! It's a very short summer, but at least I get time with my baby.

Change

More has happened in the last few weeks than I ever imagined.

I got a new job.

What!?

Yes, I did. It's unreal. I will be working in the same county as J, and I'll be teaching 10 pre AP and 11. Wow. No more 9th. That hurts my heart a little bit, but I'm also excited.

So let's back up.

J has wanted me to be in his county since he decided he liked it there. I've always tried to get him to come to my county. We live closer to my county, but my school is much smaller with fewer opportunities. He tried to get me to apply to his county last year, and I decided against it. I knew he wanted me to this year, but I wanted to wait until I had five years under my belt at my current school, so I didn't think I would.

Well, we got a call one morning to ask if I was going to be interested in the jobs at one of the schools. Turns out, J had talked to a friend and said I might be interested, so she was checking in. It put me on the spot that morning around 6:30 a.m., so I said no.

Later that morning, I told my friend about the opportunity. He then told me that he had looked into another job, even though he had previously thought he would be staying, and that he would probably take it.

This was going to be my fourth friend leaving the school (with another soon to come), and I realized the timing was meant to be. I quickly sent J a text telling him I would be interested, so he let his friend know. This was Thursday or Friday, I think.

I turned in my contract for my current county Tuesday morning. I got a call Tuesday afternoon asking me to interview (talk about stressful timing!), so I set it up on Thursday afternoon. I was nervous all week. I hadn't interviewed in four years, so I felt out of practice. I've never been good at them. J and I studied together the night before to help me out. He asked me about 50 questions, and we typed up my answers. We printed it off at the end for me to review them. Little did I know, only one question would be asked from that list (and not even the same variation), but it did help me feel more confident and prepared.

I left at 2:45, and my two friends said they were called for a reference survey before the day was over, which means they must have called right after I left.

The next morning, Friday at 10:30 a.m., I got the call that they wanted to hire me. I won't go into detail, but this sent me into a crazy frenzy for a good two hours. This was a huge decision. I knew I had to get out of my current contract, and I also knew the offer was for 10th pre AP and 11th grade, not 9th and 10th, which is what I was used to. It was all happening so fast, and I knew I needed to figure things out before the weekend; otherwise, I'd have to sit on it and stress for the next two days.

I went to the school board to ask permission to get out of my contract, and it was granted. They were so nice about it that I got in my car and started crying. The county I attended high school in, and taught in for four years, was being so nice when I was asking to leave. It suddenly reminded me of all the great things about that school and county.

In the same breath, I knew I was a creature of habit, and if I didn't take this job, I would probably stay in the same county for years and years, only looking back to regret not trying something different. I also knew I would want adventure throughout my life, and although it stresses me out, it also keeps things interesting and exciting, so this seemed to be the right adventure to take.

I took the job.

I didn't expect it to happen, and I still have moments where I wonder what it will be like, how difficult it will be, and how things will be different. Change is scary and new, but it's good for me. I will learn from this experience and become a stronger teacher. I can always go back to my home county after some experience elsewhere, but for now, this is a good opportunity. We will also save a ton in health insurance, and I'll make a little bit more. J and I will ride together most days, which could be a good or bad thing.

The hardest part of this life change is having my friends and I all going on to new adventures at one time. I take a while to get to know people and trust them, all due to my past experiences, so when I finally see someone as a friend, I love them dearly as my friend, and to see them go breaks me a little.

It's also terribly difficult to say goodbye to my sweet students. I love them so much, more than they know--all of them, really--and it breaks me to leave them. My husband reminds me that I'll find and love students in my new county, but it's hard to believe it. I know he's right, and I'm looking forward to new kids.

All in all, though, it's getting easier to think of a new place with new people and a new environment.

Four out of six English teachers are leaving.
Five of my friends are leaving.
It will be my fifth year of teaching.
I had the right connections.

It's my time to go.

Wish me luck!

The Every Day

[written last week]

It's funny how I've gone from writing more often about less important things to writing less often about more important things.

One day I'm going to wish I had written about the every day life. I'll look back and wonder what we spent our days and our quiet weekends doing. How did we handle a one-year-old boy? How did we fill the time?

I already look back on the days he was first born and forget what it was like. J and I have to sit and really push our brains to remember certain details of those weeks. They may have been hard, but I want to remember. I'd like to be able to tell the stories one day. I want to have more detail than what everyone else says: "Oh, you're in for it!" or "Say goodbye to sleep!" Maybe these people have just forgotten the beautiful, yet difficult, little details of the every day. They're really quite extraordinary.

Many of my posts have been centered around Charlie--for good reason. But the every day routine centers around us: his parents. As J would say, I center C's world, and our family centers our day-to-day activities and motivations. J and I have figured out a nice common ground. It was rough for a month or two--just figuring things out. It got rough when Charlie was starting to move but not move--so he got frustrated a lot. This seemed to rub off on us--on me, mostly, and when I'm in a bad mood, the whole house seems off.

Things are calmer now, and the day-to-day is nice. I'm finding myself in a happy place.

We didn't go to church again today. We go when we can, but many times Charlie naps right around ten, and if he doesn't get that nap, he gets pretty cranky.

Yesterday, for instance, he didn't nap until 3:30 because we had a family get-together around noon. It was on the farm, and it was beautiful. I'll admit I still get overwhelmed at the amount of people in J's family (and many were missing); I love being around them, but after a while, I'm ready to find a place that's quiet. We had a good time meeting the cousins, but then we tried to take Charlie into the pool, and he absolutely hated it. He was red, even after sun screen, and he screamed. The water was a little cold, but I think he was just terrified of the amount of water around him, and he was panicking. I don't blame the little guy.

Plus he hadn't napped all day, and he was surrounded by a large number of people he usually never sees. When we tried to take a family photo, he and the other cousin who is 10 months old screamed through the whole thing. They're at the age where strangers scare them a little, and it was so evident! It stressed me out a little, of course. You never want your kid to be the one upset, but I also seem to handle it better than I expected. J was trying to get Charlie to slowly enjoy the water, and after I came back from going into the house, he was still holding him in the pool while he screamed. I had to intervene at that point, which showed me that I am a protective mother, and I don't care who judges me for it. In front of his family, I called out, "Justin, don't force him to stay in the water! Just get him out. He doesn't have to like the water today." I didn't even care that fifteen people were around seeing me getting irritated. I just wanted Charlie to feel safe again (and no, I'm not an overprotective parent--quite the opposite).

We went home and napped. I was absolutely exhausted, and I needed to sleep. C slept in his crib and I slept on the couch. J was able to stay awake to watch t.v. I then left to supervise prom and stayed until 10:30 or so, going to bed by 1 a.m. I was totally wiped out today! We stayed home all day waiting for it to storm, but it never did. We filled our time with little activities such as the following: dancing in front of the radio, opening and closing cabinet drawers, standing up and sitting down, crawling in circles, walking outside, listening to the birds and talking back, cuddling (rare moment of exhaustion), kissing foreheads that lean in, waving to each other, singing, laughing…a lot, dancing more, making fart noises with our mouths, spitting food out by accident while making said noises, laughing some more, eating yummy food, cooking, walking outside, and more. Charlie led the way, and we kept him happy. It was beautiful, and it always is.

Before bed time, we got out to drop J's car off because we're late on the inspection. Per usual.

Tomorrow J is driving me and Charlie in, and he'll come pick us up. We'll have to go grab the car and make it back to run by the grocery store-then home. Phew. I'm tired just thinking about it.

This week is also going to be nuts. We have something going on every single day after school--and then next weekend is totally booked.

But life is great, and I am loving every day.

New Baby Must-Haves

New Baby Must-Haves! My Guide to Get You Through Year One

I remember reading numerous articles with lists. Man, I loved looking at lists. However, they were slightly overwhelming, and I didn't really follow through with any one particular list, so I'm not sure they helped me much. Many of the lists I read were from bloggers who promote certain brands or advertise for them, so I never really knew who to believe.

Well, I've created a list for you. This is my list of must-haves for life with a new baby--through the first year. I have attempted to narrow it down to the bare minimum, but I am going to try to list specifics. We didn't want to spend a lot of money, and I know you don't either! We achieved my goal of getting most of the items listed from friends or thrift stores. You'd be surprised how many like-new items are sitting at "used" stores! None of them were dirty, and no one would know they weren't new. I also found incredible deals at yard sales.

I promise you that each of the items below were, at some point or another, extremely important in the process of becoming new parents. This list will get you through 1 year old. I will forget about some, so I'll be adding to this frequently.  For fun, I'll list a few items you don't need at the bottom.

Here goes:

Travel

• Car seat travel system: Graco Click and Connect: It's extremely helpful to have a removable carrier that you can then bring into the store or into your home. You will need this until your baby is around eight months old, or sooner (I already can't remember!). It's totally worth it! We got our set from a generous friend.
• Convertible car seat (8+ months): Graco MyRide 65 Convertible Car Seat
• Travel Noise Machine: Okay, so we don't really know if he likes this or not (we got a stuffed giraffe with a bunch of different sound options), but we used it every time we got in the car, and heck, it put us at ease, if anything.
• Car Mirror: Charlie still loves having a mirror to look at. He looks at his feet, his toys, himself, and it entertains him for a while!
• Comfort Toys/Books: I always kept the same toys in the car to give to him once we got in. I figure that simplicity and repetition is a good way to create a safe, comforting environment. As he gets older, I grab books, toys, or whatever! He loves pretend reading to himself the whole way to the babysitter's. I don't worry too much about the comfort thing now, but I do keep the same toys in the car that he can "find" when we get in.
  

Bedtime

• Swaddlers: These are life saving!! When your newborn is screaming his little head off because he's not wrapped tight enough, these things will be amazing. They comfort the little guy and make him feel safe. This was the ONLY thing that got Charlie to sleep.
• Pacifiers: our favorite brand has been MUM from Target. When he was little, we got NUK beacuse they were kind of turned up, so he could hold them in better. He sucked at holding the bink in his mouth (no pun intended). If you're going to use pacifiers, once you find one he likes, buy as many as you can afford. You're going to lose them constantly, and it's a moment of fear when you can't find one.
• Diapers: We went with Peampers diapers. We had heard that Huggies can leak with boys, and we later found out this was very true! Huggies night diapers also gave Charlie a rash.
• Noise Machine: Although I would like to eventually wean Charlie from this, it's been great so far. We keep it on the lower setting, and it simply drowns out other sounds nearby. I assume it's been working. This costs around $50, but it has worked great since we bought it.
• Room-darkening curtains/blinds: This is not a necessity, from what I've heard, but it's been great for us. Contrary to popular belief of non-room-darkening parents, Charlie can still sleep find at other homes without the curtains. During nap time, the sun shines through the sides of the windows, which lets light in. The curtains we are using are from Wal-Mart; they were an old pair we had. I actually really like them because they're probably not excellent quality, which means a little light still comes in. They help keep the room cool and dark, when needed, and we are really glad we got them.
• Crib liners: These were bought new with our gift cards. Over time, we've decided that 3-4 is a great number to have on-hand.
• Crib sheets: 3-4 sheets 
• Books: Use books as part of your routine! We read to Charlie every night before bed. It works wonders! He loves reading. Make sure to get baby books that YOU like. I mean, you're the one stuck reading them, right? 
• Video Monitor: Do you want peace of mind? Do you want to be able to sleep like a rock? These suckers are expensive--very expensive--but very worth it. We got a Motorola with our gift cards, and it's been great. It's got night vision. Here are a few things we have used it for over the first year: checking to see if baby is alive, checking to see if baby is breathing, checking on baby when he makes weird noises, checking for pacifier BEFORE making noise and going into the room, checking to make sure baby is still swaddled, checking to make sure baby is on back....the list goes on and on. Now we just watch Charlie stand up and wait for us or sit and talk to himself. It's free entertainment! I guess I'll have to get rid of it eventually, but I am in love with it now. It allowed me to sleep perfectly when he was little. Right before bed, I would quickly check him, and since I could actually SEE that he was okay, I'd sleep peacefully. I never had to go into his room to check for breathing or anything. SO WORTH IT!

Keeping Clean/Diaper Bag Essentials

• Diaper bag: I got mine at the thrift store. You think you want one that's all "cutsie," but in reality, it holds spilled breast milk, formula powder, and food. Sure, cute bags are nice, but I barely even noticed I had a diaper bag. I carry it with me when I need it, but it's meant for business (har). I keep my purse and my work bag really nice, so I'm not giving in to mom-hood fully.
• Burp Cloths: We used all sorts of cloths for burp cloths. Sometimes we had to get creative. My recommendation is to find some you like and get a bunch of them. Stash them wherever you might be in your day-to-day routine. You will need them constantly the first few months. We preferred thin, soft burp cloths. They were easy to fold, and you could pack more of them!
• Wipes: The BEST wipes we have used are Pampers Natural. We were using the generic Target brand, and Charlie had a rash for months. I don't think they worked well for him. The Pampers Natural have been great so far.
• Blankets: During the first summer, I used the nice, light, cotton blankets all the time. I would cover his car seat when he was asleep or if we were out in the sun. The blankets were used to  catch rain on stormy mornings, and it kept him warm. I used other warmer blankets during the fall and winter. I used a quilt made my my mother-in-law on our living room floor. This served the purpose of a mat, it was beautiful, and Charlie loved looking at the patterns. It could also be easily washed!
• Changing Pad: We bought one padded changing pad, and it happened to be at a yard sale -- great condition. Only one is needed! It's covered in plastic, so it's very easy to clean.
• Changing Pad Covers: I was so concerned about this one for some reason, but we ended up using TWO the entire first year--that's it! Good to know, right? Basically if you put down a little white pad under the diaper, it will catch any spills (gross), so you can use the pad cover longer.
• Vaseline/diaper creme: We used Vaseline, Aveeno diaper creme, and Desitin (the best, all around). We tried the A&D, but it didn't seem to work.
• Baby lotion: Aveeno baby lotion has been great.
• Nail clippers with attached light: This will seem excessive...until you use it. It is amazing! Do you know how difficult it is to see little fingernails and toenails? Do you know how long and sharp they get? These are completely worth the extra few bucks--and they're still really cheap.
• Face wipes: We haven't used these a lot, but they're basically just little packs of wipes--or pacifier wipes--for his face. They have baking soda to clean. They're just a nice, easy cleaning tool for when you're on-the-go. We probably went through three packs in the first year. Now that he's older, we rarely use them.

Clothing/Shoes

• Onesies: The easiest thing would be to buy a few of each size ahead of time. I liked soft onesies--they made me feel like I was taking care of Charlie. So I would spend a little extra if you can find some that are quality. The others are so thin. I, of course, got most of these second-hand, but he grew through them so quickly, I had to buy sets of four. I found some awesome sets for about $15 at Kohls.
• Socks: If I could go back, I wouldn't care about cute. I would buy ONE BILLION white baby socks in the same color. No lie: they will disappear out of thin air. I lucked out and got bags filled with new socks from a yard sale later one--but in the beginning, I should have just gotten all white. Or all blue. Or red. Just all one color.
• Pajamas: We love the zip up pajamas. I don't remember when he started wearing them instead of being swaddled, but they've been a staple item since. 
• Cold-weather body suit: I got an AMAZING hippie-fied winter weather zip up suit with fold over mittens from a local thrift store--great condition--for under $10! It worked beautifully, and he was adorable in it, and people complimented it all the time.
• Fuzzy Boots for Winter: I found an absolutely adorable pair of furry, fuzzy boots at a consignment sale. I'm going to admit something: I was willing to spend $12 on those suckers, but luckily they were half off, so I got them for $6. First of all, they were one of my favorite accessories for him ever!! Also, they worked wonders. They fit over his big feet and socks, and they were super comfy. Did I mention how adorable they were??

Food/meals

• High Chair: We went with a used Eddie Bauer wooden high chair I found on Craigslist for $20 (originally over $100). It definitely looks used, but it adds character to the wood. If I could go back, I might get a more comfortable chair; it's really hard, and there's not room to move much. Now that Charlie is older, when he wants to get out, he pushes back, and then hits his head. Having a softer high chair would be better, probably! With that said, it's good quality, and it serves us well. I refuse to buy another one now that he's this old. :)
• Bibs: We never got the kind that "catches" food because I doubt they work. We bought a ton of used, clean bibs at the thrift store. I like terry cloth or plain cotton bibs. They're cheap, and they work great. We kept little stashes of these suckers everywhere: the car, the nursery, the kitchen, the bag. We used them all the time.
• A few bottles: I would say we needed maybe 3-4 bottles. We could then trade them out, and we always had a clean one ready.
• Multiple bottle nipples for replacements: The nipples are another story. If you find a nipple he likes, buy those suckers up! We went through them like crazy. They get dirty, tear, and somehow, you'll lose them. Charlie preferred Avent Natural.
• Reliable pump: I used a Madela double breast pump, and it was fine. I hated pumping, so I hated everything about it, really. It got the job done. No complaints!
• Bags for cleaning pump parts: I'll admit I didn't use these as often as I should have...I just washed them with dawn soap, but I did use them for a while, and I probably went through 4-5 boxes of them. They were helpful, and they make you feel like you're being smart and clean.
• Milk storage bags: I needed a ton of these. I was pumping at work, so I used them all the time. I would recommend getting the bags that can sit up on their own. The others would fall or almost fall, and it was stressful. You can also buy plastic containers to hold the milk, which is probably much easier!
• Nursing cover: I was a bit shy about nursing in front of...well, anyone except my husband and my best friend. I had two of these, and they came in handy. I had the kind that was like an apron--a friend gave them to me--and they were very quick and easy. Nothing fancy, and they did the job. For the record, it's insanely hard to get a baby to latch and hide yourself in front of your family or guests, so you want something with easy access.
• Baby food: You will need it eventually, so why not buy it now? I had a stash that I collected from friends who gave me leftovers that they didn't use. I needed it much quicker than expected, and it was nice to have on hand. I kept oatmeal, rice, and a few other things on hand. Now that he's older, I keep a bunch in the cabinet, and a few in his bag--just in case. I still buy some baby food because it's so quick and convenient, and I also make some.

Play/toys

• Play mat with mobile: We got a precious mat as a gift. It had a turning mobile with music. I would completely recommend splurging on this. When the little guy can hardly move or make noise, this motivates him. Charlie absolutely loved laying under the mobile and cooing at it as it spun. Totally worth it.
• Pack-n-play: Yes! This is a great thing to have. We were given a used pack-n-play, and I found one at a yard sale for my parents' house. We've used it his entire little life, and I'm sure we'll get a lot more use out of it. We never used the bassinet on top--seemed a little unstable, possibly, and we just used the floor or his changing table. In other words, you don't need the bells and whistles!
• Swing: This was a necessity. We used a really nice swing we got second-hand. The batteries run out very quickly, so make sure to keep spares! This swing was an excellent use of time and a great place for quick naps. I remember thanking God above for letting him finally fall asleep in the swing. He went though a stage where he needed a nap so badly right after school, but he wouldn't sleep anywhere else.
• A few toys: We didn't need a lot of toys at all. I got some second-hand, but we got a few with our gift cards. The teethers and other slobbery toys were bought new, but some of the little shaker toys were found at yard sales. Babies don't need a lot of toys at all. Charlie has maybe six or seven main toys he loves now. We never throw them all out on the floor. We take some out and then switch them every few weeks. He thinks they're super cool when he hasn't seen them in a while. :)
• Storage for the toys: I bought a neat basket for our living room for all toys to go (in a corner, hidden), along with a soft fabric container for his toys in his room. The living room basket is great because I can do a quick clean in a matter of minutes. The container in his room holds all of his stuffed animals.
• Books (that YOU find interesting): You're going to be reading the same books every night, so get some that you find funny! Sandra Boyton is AWESOME.
• Jumper Thing/Bouncy Thing: We borrowed this from our in-laws. It had pretty toys to look at, and he could spin around. Charlie LOVED it, and we probably should have just bought one. He used it for a long time.

Improvised Toy Options:
When you can't find his beloved toy, grab one of these:

• Stretchy sock
• Plastic measuring cup
• Diaper
• Plastic Cup
• Just about anything in reach, as long as it's safe 

Nursery

• Changing table/dresser: I didn't think I wanted one because I was going to use a dresser we had, but that would have been stupid. It was great! I found one at a yard sale for $20. It came with everything.
• Crib: I found a solid wood crib on Craigslist. It still sells for $600, which is absurd, but I got it for $50. The lady was crazy to sell it. I wasn't even pregnant yet, but I knew I would need one, and it was over the summer when I had time to search. It's great quality, and it has served us well.
• Bassinet: My friend let us borrow a bassinet, and thank goodness she did. I didn't even think about this ahead of time. Charlie slept in a bassinet for the first 6-8 weeks of his life until he moved into his room and his crib. We put the bassinet at the end of the bed, so he was always right near us. I could easily get up and nurse him, or J could get up to check on him. We also loved being able to move it around. The first few nights of Charlie were spent in the living room downstairs. We could easily bring the bassinet downstairs with us where he could sleep. I kept it in the living room a lot when he was brand new. It was a safe place to put him while I was trying to get stuff done. It also got him used to sleeping in it so he was more comfortable at night.
• Laundry baskets/laundry detergent/laundry system: I hate laundry, and there's definitely more to do with a baby. We keep a laundry basket in his room and when it's full (it's a small one), wash the clothes. We use a baby-safe detergent, though I'm not sure what it's called. I've gotten a few different ones, and they all seem to work fine.
• Numerous plastic bins with lids: Every time we get through another size of clothes, I have bins to keep them organized. I have a bin for every size so far, and we're already at 18-24 months! It will fly by, and you'll be glad you have a good place to store and organize all of your clothes. You may even want to get rid of some. We have SO many from when he was little.
• Under-Crib Plastic Bin: I saw this on a blog somewhere, and it has been perfect! We keep all of Charlie's extra sheets and blankets under his crib. That way we always have back-up, and it doesn't take up extra room in his fairly small room.

Bathroom

• Toothbrush: You ca n buy a little system of toothbrushes to fit each age. 
• Toothpaste: I found a great toddler toothpaste at Target. It's some natural brand, so it's safe for babies. It tastes wonderful (or so it seems), and he looks forward to brushing his teeth every night!
• Thermometer: Charlie had his first fever a few weeks ago, and we had a great thermometer in the house, thanks to a family member who bought it as a gift. It's around $40, but the peace-of-mind is worth the money.
• Bathtub with sling
• Baby Shampoo: We've had luck with Aveeno baby shampoo, and it lasts forever! We've used two small bottles in his year of life.
• Flexible pitcher for rinsing hair: This is a great little gadget that sort of prevents getting water everywhere, but it's also just a nice cup-like tool to wash the baby with. It's about $5, and I highly recommend it.
• Baby towel/soft towel: I wouldn't get actual baby towels for long--maybe one or two to get you through the first few months, but then we switched to adult towels. It just made sense. Baby towels didn't even really cover his body, so why not switch? We just made sure to use a nice, soft towel.
• Safety Kit: We have a safety kit from our registry, and we had to use it for the first time last week. Thank goodness we had it!

Here are the items you may want to buy, but you most likely won't need:

1. Newborn Diapers: Charlie was in these for...like one week...so I wouldn't buy too many.

2. Cute Newborn Accessories/Socks/Shoes/Clothes: we have gotten almost everything second-hand, and it's been amazing! Charlie grew out of his clothes every week anyway. Some of the cutest clothes were worn once or not at all. Also: shoes have been completely unnecessary. He is walking now, and I still don't put him in shoes. Call me a hippie, but why should he wear them? He can't even walk well yet! I will say, though, little fuzzy boots for winter were awesome. That is all.

3. Cute Diaper Bag: This really doesn't matter, but get one you feel good carrying around. I thought this would matter to me; I wanted a beautiful bag. In the end, I got a red thrift store diaper bag, and it worked perfectly. To be honest, keeping a nice leather purse with me was more important. I wanted to still feel like me.

4. Unnecessary Extras like bottle warmers and wipe warmers. We never needed these.

5. Night-time Diapers: I'm not sure how I feel about these. We stared out using them--Pampers--but he still leaks through often. Recently, we switched to just using a regular diaper at night, and surprisingly, you can't tell a big difference. I'm not sure if it's worth the extra cash. Maybe we need to try another brand...

6. Cute To-Go Changing System: you may never really use it. I've changed Charlie on-the-go a few times, but it was as easy as a blanket on the seat. You don't need all the fancy sets they try to sell you.

7. Bumbo: We did not use this. By the time he could sit up enough to use it, his legs were too chunky. It didn't seem worth shoving him in there, and he still developed in a timely fashion. The bumbo was not necessary for learning how to sit up.

8. Baby Music: I love music. I hate little kid music. I've been playing my music in the car, and it's been fine. He picked his favorite (a local artist), so when I play that CD, he totally calms down and stops crying (if he is upset for some reason). This CD has proven to be helpful, and it's not an annoying baby CD with kids who sing off key and can't speak proper grammar!! :)

Happy 1st Birthday!

Dearest Charlie,

One year ago, today, I met you for the first time. The moment I looked at you, my whole world swelled with an intense, rich love. I was spinning with emotion. I had never been more in love with someone my entire life. Don't get me wrong, I love your dad, and I felt giddy when I met him, but it took hours and days for the process of love to happen between us. I didn't know him when we met. I didn't know you, either, but it was an innate, intuitive love that swallowed me up. My heart was drowning in absolute joy--and still is.

One year ago, I decided I would never go back to my life before you. Sure, there have been some changes and sacrifices. Your dad and I don't go out as often, and we don't socialize as easily. It takes time. We didn't sleep much at first, but we settled in easily enough. It takes significant effort to do little tasks, such as go to the grocery store, or simply get into the house with all my school bags. What I notice, however, is that I've never complained less in my life. You have humbled me. I do these things because I'm your mom, and I would do anything for you. I don't mind the extra bags and weight carried because you don't weigh me down; you lift me higher than I ever imagined.

One year ago, I held you more carefully than I would hold glass. Being a mom means I am constantly thinking about what is best for you. I keep it under control, but I worry about how much television you see at the babysitter's, how little time I spend with you during the week, how upset you'll get when we ween you from the bottle, or how you'll struggle when we take away your pacifier indefinitely. I think ahead to the future, too: Where will you go to school? How will we get you to preschool? Will you make friends and have fun? Will you be shy like I was? Will you get through middle school without anxiety?

One year ago, I held you, and you instilled in me a confidence I didn't know I had: the confidence of my purpose to be your mom. Sure, I worry and question things, but then I look at you smiling back with those eyes and your father's sideways smile, and all of my fears rest.

One year ago, I met you for the first time. I became a mom.

I am now a better person. I open my heart wider. I thank God more sincerely. I empathize with other parents. I understand children. I work harder. I'm a better teacher. I appreciate quiet time. I look forward to seeing you each morning. I feel and I love.

I love, and then I love more.

I am consistently vulnerable.

I am the best version of me.

Love, mommy

- - - - - 

Your stats:

27 lbs 31 inches (?)
8+ teeth
first words: daddy, kitty cat, dog
favorite foods: bananas, avacado, peaches, cheese
favorite toys: teething toys,
favorite books: Sandra Boyton, 100 first words
favorite activity: dancing with us

April 2015 - update of sorts

I'm finishing the last work day before spring break. We only have three days off this time around, due to construction, but at least it's a few days of freedom. I've decided I'm leaving everything at school because if I bring grades home, they'll just sit in my bag!

Charlie is getting closer and closer to walking. He likes to do a trust fall where he climbs the couch, turns, and falls. He does this because I'm usually there to catch him. However, if I'm not, he just falls anyway. It's hilarious! I am so thankful he's not afraid to fall. So far, we haven't had any issues with his night-time routine and sleep patterns changing, due to standing, so I'm hoping that continues.

We are trying to give him more finger foods, but I'm so nervous about him choking. I saw my brother choke badly one time, and for a few years, if anyone even made a slight cough at dinner, I thought they were choking. I was on edge for a long time. I feel like I'm back to that now! I'm trying to not be that way, but it just comes naturally for me, unfortunately. He's doing just fine, but I keep thinking the worst will happen, right before my eyes. Parenting is so nerve-wrecking sometimes! -- even when it shouldn't be. :)

For spring break, J and I had planned on taking C to the beach for the first time, since it would be nice and cool, but now we're rethinking this idea due to costs and travel time. If we go, it would have to be for one quick day, but Charlie would be stuck in the car for hours. The longest he's been in a car is 1.5 hours, so this would be huge for him. We have been so steady with his night-time routine and we try to get him to nap twice per day, so this trip would really get in the way of that. I guess he could sleep in the car, but he usually seems to interested in what he sees that he may not. He hasn't napped in the car for months. We would go to the beach for ONE night, but unfortunately, the beach we want to go to only allows three-night stays, which would be super expensive. It's just not in our budget.

Since we probably won't go to the beach, we will likely spend our days resting and going out on mini dates and hanging out at the local lake. It should be nice.

Until next time...

xo

p.s.

some things Charlie likes to do:
-rub his forehead on mine and go back and forth
-cuddle in our shoulders and wiggle his butt, all while tucking his arm in my chest if he can
-play a peek-a-boo game where I look away...then look back at him; it's so simply, but he thinks it's hilarious
-say "kitty cat," or some form of it, when he chases the cats
-talk to himself when he wakes up while sitting in his crib, happily
-walk along the couch very quickly
-play with socks
-chew on everything
-spread food everywhere

some things Charlie doesn't like to do:
-sit down during bath time
-sit in his high chair
-sit for long periods of time without entertainment
-be held facing the opposite direction of OUT

hugs change everything

I was having a pretty rough day yesterday, for no particular reason.

Then my co-teacher handed me something that would change my entire afternoon: a set of keys for workbooks we had been using for the past year without keys; we had made many of our own. This was huge! So many hours had been put into trying to make the best keys, comparing them with other teachers, etc., so we were relieved.

I brought them to my friend, J, a fellow English teacher, who proceeded to give me the biggest hug EVER. It was amazing. All of his positive energy flew around me and put the best smile on my face. Well, happiness is contagious, because as I walked down the hall, I couldn't stay away from hugs.

One of my students from last semester walked by and asked what his homework was, jokingly, and I gave him a big hug and told him I missed him. Other students saw me hug him, and they called out, "Hi, Mrs. T!" I got about five or six hugs in about a minute. They were all from the same class from last semester, which I thought was really odd, but awesome. That class was one of my favorites. They all opened up and were so REAL, and they knew I was real, so we got along well.

I then brought the keys to my other friend, P, another English teacher, who said, "I could hug you right now."

Ha! This was huge for him to say, so I just laughed.

It was such a great afternoon, after such a yucky day. This job is absolutely worth it most days. The kids teach me to smile and laugh. They tell me good morning, even when I'm exhausted. They hug me, even though I'm a teacher. They still say hi, even though they're not in my class anymore. I've learned so much more than just the literature in this building. Thank goodness I'm here.

My friend told me that I was "definitely in the right profession!" How true.

and, just like that, he's growing up

I had my first experience of sitter jealousy today, if that's what you're supposed to call it.

Charlie and I were on our own this morning because J left for a conference at 5:30 a.m. It was actually really nice. I woke up later than usual, got ready, Charlie woke up, and we leisurely left for work. J and I had made this possible by packing everything into the car the night before. It was a pleasant morning, which is not what I expected.

On most mornings when we get to the sitter's house, it is obvious that he loves her. He smiles and squeals and flirts with her. It's adorable, and it makes me happy. It makes me believe that he is okay during the day without me, and she is like his part-time grandma.

Today, though, it felt a little different. He didn't really care to look at me when I was leaving, and not only did he smile and giggle at her, but he also buried his sweet head in her chest and held on, like he was giving her a big hug. Then he just stayed there. He cuddled with her! For a moment, my heart wrenched, and my pulse got a little faster.

Is he in love with another woman?

Indeed, he is.

How can I handle this? I'll have to just smile and carry on, like normal. The other side could be that he cries and screams when I leave, which would make me cry and feel miserable. He could also hate being with her and look tired and frustrated every afternoon.

It's quite the opposite, and I need to be thankful.

I'll admit that it will be really, really hard to see him like that at times. It's probably because he was a bit of a mess two nights ago, and I was concerned that he was getting too stubborn. Last night was great, and so was this morning, so I know he just had a bad night. However, because of that bad night, I've been trying to comfort him and give him as much attention as I can, so it was a little bit of a slap in the face to see him turn around and give all that affection to someone else.

At least he's safe.
At least he's happy.
At least he's got a third grandma.
At least he's social and loves other kids.
At least I enjoy my job.
At least I get to see him at 3:45.
At least we get time every evening.
At least I have summers off.

At least he's safe and happy.

Charlie's (almost) TEN month update (I'll be in the next room soaking up my tears.)

It's hard to find time to sit and write this post, mainly because I've been chasing after an almost ten-month-old! Here are a few things about him:

1. (This first one is NOT to seem like a boastful parent; I know these moments are fleeting!) He's been sleeping like an angel. He goes to bed around 6:30 (we pushed it up; now that he's moving so much, he's exhausted), and he won't get up until 8:45 on the weekends. During the week, he'll wake up when we get him up around 6:15. I think the secret is how big he is. How could he be uncomfortable? He can happily and dreamily roll in his rolls. The question: when will this end? I know it must be soon.

2. He LOVES to move, and by that I mean he gets annoyed when he isn't moving. He suddenly got fussy in his car seat for a week or two, and I realized it was because he was newly mobile. He was suddenly rebelling! He's over that now, thankfully.

3. He FREAKS OUT when daddy comes around--in a good way. He just loves Justin so much. He shakes his arms up and down like he's going to fly away! It's adorable.

4. He thinks he's talking, but he's not really saying much yet. We will carry on an entire conversation of "eh" "eh" back and forth until we're bored. It's hilarious. Yes, I talk to him "normally," too, but it's just too fun to not "eh" back at him every now and then. It's clear that he is beginning to understand communication, but he just isn't talking much yet. He'll say "hi" or "yeah," but I don't really know if he gets what he's saying.

5. This is his schedule as of today [on a work day]: wake around 6:15, babysitters by 7:10, bottle and breakfast around 8:00, eat lunch and bottle around 12:00, bottle around 3:00, dinner at 5:00, bottle at 6:00, bedtime anywhere between 6:20-7:00. In between 6:00 and bedtime, we have the bottle, play with blocks, read at least three books, say "night night lamp," turn the lamp off, and he turns over on our chest, ready to go to sleep. We don't even try cuddling because he just keeps moving. Then, to bed we go!

6. He's always laughing. This kid has the BEST laugh in the ENTIRE world--though I guess I'm biased. He truly is hilarious, happy, and WONDERFUL. If I could hear his laugh at ANY time of the day, I would be immediately happy. The babysitter calls him a "happy little fella."

7. Along with walking while holding our hands (YES!!), he can also crawl with grace and sit up from a lying down position. This is a big deal! Overall, he's just understanding how to move more.

8. His current favorite book: "Peek-a-Moo." Even Justin admits it's one of the worst pieces of literature ever written, but damn if he loves it! We have to read that stupid book every night. :)

9. He has almost grown out of his "wizard suit" as Justin calls it--(and now, so do I). He's talking about this awesomely trippy body suit I bought at a thrift store before Charlie was even born--or right after, I forget. It's a cold-weather fuzzy zip-up outfit to keep him warm, and it's SO colorful and AMAZING. It's definitely been worth the $8.00 I spent on it, and we gets compliments all the time. He's almost too long! This is not okay.

10. His hair is starting to fall flat. It's getting longer, which means more weight, which means it isn't sticking up as high as it used to. I'm slowly watching it fall, and it's one of the most heart-breaking thing I've ever experienced. It's almost signifying his first year of life. I bet by the time he's one, it'll be flat. It's especially beautiful when I look back in my car to see my little companion, fluff and all. It's just amazing. I'm going to miss it. His hair is insanely soft and fluffy--just like feathers.

11. He loves to drop toys on the ground. We (usually) don't pick them up. We're not those kind of parents who accept bad behavior! (Okay, so we can't help but pick them up. Otherwise he throws a fit! ;)

12. He has started really liking textures more. He goes out of his way to feel the baskets.

13. He saw snow for the first time this past month. We didn't want him out in it, but Justin let him touch and taste the snow. He also really loved watching it fall from our window.

14. He continuously laughs as his own farts. I think Justin taught him this one. He'll fart, wait a second, then crack up. Then, of course, we all laugh. It's a terrible cycle.

15. If his hands are cold, he very specifically reaches down my shirt to find the warmest place in the room. It's hilarious. It's like he remembers where all the cuddling began. It's also awkward at times because my shirt gets pulled down.

16. He appears to love going to the babysitter's. Phi is amazing, and he basically LOVES her. He looks at her with more happiness than his own family! Some people would be bothered by this; for me, it's my place of contentment. Each day I get to come home to a happy boy brings me peace. When I'm at work, I'd rather him love the person he's spending eight hours with than hate her. It really has been a blessing to have found her.

17. He is so heavy. He is (well he was, about a month ago) in the 97th percentile for height and weight. Whoa, man. Today in the grocery store, there was a baby behind us, and the dad started talking to us. I asked how old his baby was. He told me twelve months, and I quickly and awkwardly looked at the baby, then said "aoh" (I don't know what I sounded like), and turned around. He then waited a few seconds and said, "How old is yours?" I said, "almost ten months." We both laughed nervously because my kid was double the size of his one-year-old. So, I spat out, "Yeah, he's HUGE." We both laughed about it, and he said his kid was in the 14th percentile for one-year-olds. Wow. What a huge different this makes!

18. He wooed his first two women the other day at Panera. All he had to do was give them a flirtatious look, drop his toys, and wait for them to pick them up for him. How little they know! That manipulative monster. Either way, it worked, and he had some steady admirers.

19. He's had a diaper rash for most of his life. It's a really weird rash. One doctor said it was a yeast rash. The second said it wasn't a yeast rash. The third didn't give a lick and told us to buy some ointment. None of these things were right. So I'm now trying Vaseline, and it appears to be settling down. It has never been a bad rash, but it has never gone away, either. Eh, whatever. What doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger! Sorry, buddy...

20. He likes to share. It's not like he really knows what sharing is, but he loves to hand us his toy, watch us talk to it, then hand it back. It's adorable. Sometimes this goes on for half an hour.

21. He found his penis. And he plays with it. Often. No, seriously, if the diaper is off, the penis is fair game.

You Won't Remember..

I read this beautiful piece on Huffington post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jessica-dimas/you-wont-remember-but-i-w_b_6357936.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037.

I was inspired to make my own list. This list will be added to, but here's the first draft:

You won't remember...

You won't remember how I teared up when I saw that you were a boy, my boy, and you had such a sweet little nose.

You won't remember how talked to you and sang to you while you were in my belly. You won't remember how I tapped your little feet that were pushing into my ribs, just to feel you move.

You won't remember my grandma's funeral, and how part of my life was suddenly so empty. You won't remember how you filled much of that void. You helped me get through the heartache.

You won't remember how happy I have been since you've been alive. Really, I've been at my best with you. I rarely have days of sadness or loneliness.

You won't remember the way I brush my chin back and forth on your fuzzy hair. It always makes me feel like we are so close.

You won't remember the camera in your face when I can't help but record yet another funny, cute noise you are making, or the way you tumble when you try to crawl.

You won't remember how proud your dad and I are of you. You are our prize.

You won't remember how many times your dad and I imagined who you would be and what you would look like, and you won't remember how we completely forgot about all of those "what ifs" the moment we saw you. You are you, and we can't believe we imagined anything other than that.

You won't remember me holding you close, so close, before bed.

You won't remember your dad "stealing" bed time from me, just because he loves being with you more than having a few free minutes alone.

You won't remember how I teared up the first day I had to go back to work, and I took a picture of us cuddling, just so I could look at it at any time that day.

You won't remember how protective I am of you. You won't remember how relaxed I am, either.

You won't remember how I sing to you all the time, and your eyes are bright, and you are calmed--or excited. You won't remember the noises and squeals you make that seem like you want to sing along.

You won't remember how close I hold you. 

You won't remember lightly stroking my hair when we're close and you just want to be held.

You won't remember how Sadie protects you and watches you and runs to lick you as soon as we get home. Just like your father and me, you are now number one on her list. 

You won't remember car rides where you don't like the sun in your face, and you won't remember daddy holding his hand in front of the harsh light. 

You won't remember how much your bedtime routine means to us. We just want you to sleep wonderfully.

You won't remember how absolutely happy you make me. I only hope it's evident when you're older. 

You won't remember the snow days we spend together; it's hard work being at home with you, but it's such a treat.

You won't remember how tightly you hold my hand when you are trying to walk.

You won't remember how you try to climb over our laps to be close to us, yet you don't really know what you want once you're there.

You won't remember reaching out to touch the kitties and dog, but they'll be in your life for a few more years, I hope.

You won't remember learning to clap, say "daddy" and "doggy", or respond to our voices.

You won't remember how hard we laugh when you make a terrible face after trying a new, textured food. We're just trying to be good parents.

You won't remember any of these things. You won't have memories until you're a big older.

Luckily, I'll have all of these memories. I'll tell you about them whenever I can. I'll wish you could remember, but I'll also know how special it is that I'm the keeper of the moments. You'll make memories with me when you're older, and you'll keep them for your children when I'm gone one day.

I'll remember for you. You remember for me.

I love you, Charlie.

Is he going to walk soon?

Charlie held my hands and walked across the living room three or four times this evening. He is getting so big and so tall; I can't believe he's growing up so fast.

Will he be walking soon? I'll update...

xo

Update 1/6

I look back on my posts from the past five or six years, and I have many with the word "Friday" in them. I am either hoping for Friday or glad it's Friday. I'm predictably writing again today, Friday, because I am just so glad it's the weekend.

It hasn't been the best week. Nothing bad has really happened, but the stress is building. My two college courses for recertification opened up this week, and I'll admit that's where my stress is coming from. On top of that, I'm teaching three preps--just like my first couple of years of teaching. I have a 9th grade inclusion first block, a 10th grade inclusion second block, and a 9th honors third block. My brain is jumping around all day, and it's exhausting.

Having classes and more preps wouldn't be an issue, but having little Charlie around makes things a little harder to get done. I haven't even had time to check into my classes this week, except at school.

When I come home, I hang with Charlie until J gets home, we all have dinner at five, and then we play with him until our bed time routine, which starts around 6:15. After that, I do a workout, which is usually an hour, and then I'm exhausted and go to sleep, only to get up again the next morning at 5:20.

Along with the stresses, there are ten times as many beautiful things about my life right now. Charlie makes everything exceptionally wonderful, and he reminds me what life is all about.

I'm just finally starting to feel the stresses of being a full-time working mom, a part-time student, and a mom.

Wish me luck! I have a few other posts going, but I'll post them when I'm done.

I hope everyone is doing well. xo

Listen to my Heart

This is our bed time routine with Charlie: bath (depending on the night), pajamas, books, bottle, rocking together/cuddling, and bed.

Now that he's getting older, he's starting to cuddle and reach for me or Justin when he wants us. It is so, so sweet. I know it will annoy me one day, but I'm loving it for now.

At night, he has started this new thing where he turns over on our chest once the lights are out and he's had his bottle. He rolls around on whoever is with him that night, flipping his head back and forth to find the perfect location. Sometimes he'll do this for minutes at a time.

When he finally stops, he lands with his ear to my heart. This has happened many times now, and it's so precious. I know it's a nice pillow for him there, too, but I just know he's listening to my heart. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I lay my head on J's chest and listen to his heart. It's one of the most soothing sounds, and it puts me right to sleep, or at least calms me enough to sleep.

I know it's more time for us to have to spend with him before bed, but I hope he wants to listen to my heart for many more nights ahead. One day I'll be wishing for these days again.

2015, baby!

It's crazy to think that when I wrote a blog post last year, I didn't have a child. My, how life has changed! It's almost difficult to look back on the past year; so much has happened, but it all wraps around Charlie. I'll try to think a little harder...

When I sat to write last year's post, which seems like yesterday, I was burdened with grief. I was pregnant, and I was sad about everything that had happened. I was hoping, so badly, that this year would be better.

I'm happy to say that year 2014 was much easier to get through, but it still had its turmoils.

Sadly, my dear friend Mr. M passed away in early January, soon after I wrote the post. We helped him as much as we could, but pancreatic cancer is a very fast-acting, evil affliction, and it would not be stopped. As this Christmas rolled around, I remembered sitting in his kitchen with him, ready to feast on what we brought him. A friend picked up a ham dinner, and we sat around his table like family, as if nothing were wrong. Unfortunately, he didn't have much of an appetite, which we all noticed, but at least we were able to be together. He passed only a few weeks later. Since my grandmother had recently passed away, this was very difficult to face, but what it did do was show me how to love a little more and be more open with people about that love. I used to think more without acting. If I love someone as a friend, I try to show them a little more than I used to. Every day is a gift, and the people in my life are gifts. They can be lost at any time, and I appreciate them every day.

By late spring, I had a beautiful baby boy. The natural birth process was incredible, although very difficult, and I would do it again (I think?). He has changed our lives tremendously, and only for the better. Sure, there are things we do differently now, but we have adjusted, and it has been a crazy fun experience.

Over the summer, we sat on the couch...a lot. We did a lot of movie-watching, marathon show watching, and even some video gaming. We didn't go anywhere. Let's just say we had a stay-cation. It was okay, though, and we did little things, like go to the local lake and have a date on a hill. We made the best of what we had.


After the above reflection, let's look back on last year, and let's look ahead to the future.

Here's my list from last year (the beginning of 2014). Let's see how I did (I've written comments):

1. Have a healthy baby, and find the patience and love involved in being a new mom. I have completely become enveloped in the incredible experience of being a mom. Charlie is healthy, so far, and we are so, so happy.

2. Organize/add shelves to the mudroom/laundry room. Well, we did organize it, and we added a bookshelf-like thing. It holds our boardgames. The little box has also been moved to this area.

3. Continue to clear out garage. Insulate the door. We did clear out the garage, but we also filled it up again with school stuff and baby stuff. Oops? We definitely didn't insulate the door...

4. Power wash the house! It's getting green and brown streaks from the trees, leaves, and moisture. It is still green and brown from the trees, leaves, and moisture...

5. Lose some baby weight. How about gain more weight?

6. Stay positive through the new school year, even with increased demands and cut holiday and work day time due to construction. It's going to be tough with a new baby, but staying positive is the only thing that will help. I have tried my best to stay positive, and for the most part, it has worked! Attitude is everything. It hasn't been perfect, but I've been happier this year than most years of my job. I think it's because I've had such a great little prize to get home to every day. It also helped put life and stress into perspective. What's really important?

Here's a list of 2014--the good and the bad--as much as I can remember--and some of it comes from me searching through my e-mail to see what I e-mailed myself about; yes, I do this to keep tabs on things, such as Charlie's firsts and our firsts. This list will be more boring than some years for outsiders, but for me, it will be very special, so I'm taking the time to jot some things down that are seemingly unimportant:

1. Mr. M passed away--beautiful funeral for him at the school
2. We found out Charlie was a BOY! That was a very cool day. We decided not to discuss names that very day, but I was already talking about them early the next morning. We bought Charlie his first hat on the way home--a light blue cap.
3. Justin coached all through spring. Hell!
4. Justin got great pass rates at his school that was under AYP. The goal was achieved and Justin had excellent personal scores for his kids. This was wonderful news!
5. I discovered the generosity of strangers: when Charlie was born, people came to bring us dinners, dropped off clothes at our doorstep, and left sweet notes for us. It was bewildering. I tend to be shy or withdrawn with things like that, but these people were coming into my house, introducing themselves, and putting a full dinner in my refrigerator. After these visitors, and after those that gave meals to my family in NY the previous year, I realized how special it was to bring a meal to someone, and I try to do the same. Pay it forward, right?
6. We didn't go anywhere. I didn't swim once over the summer--I don't think. But what's really odd is that this didn't bother either of us. We were so enraptured by this little creature who was now ours. We were happy to get out to grab coffee.
7. We did, however, figure out how to take care of a baby. Laughable enough, here was my (huge) first list of concerns for the doctor:
Very girgly/bubbly loud stomach when nursing
When can we give baths?
Belly button care. Just fell off last night
Farts while nursing 
Bad acne
Soft spot on head 
Breathing
Nose flares
Not spittimg up much
Acting uninterested in nursing slightly
How much shojld he get? Will my milk supply grow with him?
Not wanting to go back to sleep
8. June 8, 2014: First smile with daddy.
9. We totally stressed out about babysitters. I called so many people, but they were all booked. Thankfully, we did find a reliable babysitter, and so far she has been great.
10. August 2, 2014: 10:30 p.m. - 7:30 a.m. Charlie slept all night, and he woke up happy!
11. August 15, 2014: We had friends over, and it showed us that we could still have fun. We were able to hang out on the deck while Charlie slept. It was an entertaining and new concept to watch the video monitor for possible stirring.
12. I learned who my real friends were and are. These are people who care about me and my family. These people show love and kindness. I also discovered who I wasn't really close to and probably wouldn't get any closer to. There is a peace in knowing that it's okay to move forward without worrying about it.
13. September 29, 2014: Charlie rolled over for the first time at the babysitter's--then for us that night.
14. October 11, 2014: Charlie started to cuddle with me--for real.
15. We had a tree-service company take down about ten trees in our yard. This was helpful for our roof and our (potential) grass. It brought it a little more light, and there might have been less leaves this fall, but we will never notice. There are way too many leaves.
16. November 13, 2014: Charlie started turning pages in books.
17. I successfully sent Christmas gifts to my upstate family. I got something for everyone, and it really put me in the Christmas spirit.
18. This was my first list of what to buy after Charlie was born:
Rock n play
Swaddlers for newborns
Rug for living room 
Razors for Venus 
Mirror for car 
19. Here's my first e-mail to Dana about our horrendous first few nights after Charlie was born--May 12th:
"So tonight I feel significantly better.  So far of course. Still hours ahead. What I decided was that we should sleep downstairs, and that has been perfect. The tv was on all evening, the bassinet is down here, and we both have a couch. I took a cat nap between 10-12, and then we fed him around midngiht. He was done by 1 am, so now he's in his cradle. The biggest difference is that we are swaddling correctly, so he  doesn't fuss as much. I also have milk now, so I think that helps. He's jist been calmer overall. He doesn't seem to want to fully commit to sleep right now, but I'm hoping and crossing my fingers. My least fav part is being awake alone with Justin asleep, but this atmosphere is less depressing. The bed was just so hard to get out of. Alright off to try to nap for a bit.   

Ok so it's 3 am and he's still asleep, but he seems to be starting to wake up slowly. I got two hours of very little interrupted sleep! It's 345 and he's done, so we will see if he is going to go back to sleep for us or not...

And he did, eventually, until 5. J is trying to comfort him now . I had to breast feed him again, and j held him. Another waiting game now

He started whining at some point, and he wouldn't stop the blood curdling cry, so I put him on his back between ny legs. We slept soundly until 8 am lol."

20. My best friend had her second baby! She is such a little blessing.
21. I quit my job at PH after working during my entire pregnancy.
22. Justin and I were both crazy enough to do summer school. Justin did summer school through my county, so that was funny. We alternated weeks, which worked perfectly! It gave us something to do for a month.

Here's my list for 2015 that I would like to achieve:

1. Stay positive: this is a mind thing, and I'm getting better and better at it.
2. Bring Charlie to the beach for the first time. Spring break?
3. Lose weight aka fit into my pencil skirts again :(
4. Power wash the house
5. PASS two teacher license renewal classes this spring (horrible timing, yes?), and RENEW my teaching license!
6. Continue to not take many sick days at work. I haven't taken one yet, and we are in a very condensed, harsh schedule, but it's been working out just fine. I need sick days for Charlie and to save up for a few years from now!
7. Have another baby. HAHAHAHA KIDDING.
8. Replace the flooring in our living room, or have it cleaned professionally.
9. Take a vacation or two this summer--or lay low, happily, like last summer.
10. Get a better handle on finances; create a plan
11. Get through our first full year of parenthood, keep learning, and joyfully move to year two. Wow.

This is what I have for now.

Happy New Year!