My Six Month Goal

When I had Charlie, I had a goal in mind: I wanted to breastfeed for at least six months. I knew going back to work would be hard, but I was willing to struggle for a while.

Charlie is almost six months, and I'm happy to say that I've met my goal. Have we been supplementing? Yes. But I've been able to keep up with at least partial feedings for the past six months. He breastfed exclusively for two until I had to go back to work.

It has not been easy, and I'll tell you why.

When he was born, he was perfectly capable of breast feeding, but I wasn't very helpful. It's hard to explain, but I had to get some help. I ended up with a nipple shield. I love this little tool so much, and I wouldn't have been able to nurse Charlie without it! What's weird is that the lactation specialist was trying to avoid having to use one, and she waited a couple of days before telling me about it. Thank goodness she did! I've known women who were never told about it and were never able to nurse.

With that said, it still wasn't easy. The first couple of days, you have to try to squeeze any bit of colostrum out possible. One little drop was worth it. There were moments, though, when I just wanted to cry (--I did, once). My milk wasn't in yet, and it felt like I was starving him. He lost almost a pound in the hospital. I pushed on, though, knowing how much I wanted my goal to happen.

Finally, my milk came in once I got home from the hospital. This meant that I became a moving, breathing machine, producing milk at any sound of whimpering or crying. I nursed him every 2-3 hours for what felt like months. Luckily, Justin wanted to help feed him, so I would pump every now and then to produce enough to get away for a while. I would go out to get coffee and drive for a couple of hours, and Justin would feed Charlie a bottle at home.

The difficult times continued, however, because I was always anxious for my milk to come in. If I left for a couple of hours, I would be full by the time I got home. I was constantly feeling my milk come in, which meant I was also feeling pretty guilty about not being home to feed him.

I thought I would be a professional pumper and stash loads and loads of breast milk in my freezer for the coming school year. Sure, I tried, but I also was not willing to constantly be pumping or constantly be stuck at home. I just couldn't do it. I knew he'd be okay if I didn't. So, I did what I felt necessary. I would pump extra and store it. I would use it when I was away at summer school. If I needed to go somewhere, I would use the stored milk. Basically, I continued to nurse him any time I was home, and I pumped when I was away. I didn't, however, stick to the pump-all-the-time-and-have-a-major-treasure-of-milk idea. Looking back, I'm so glad I didn't. Here's why:

Nursing Charlie also meant nursing him at night, and boy, did he love that. He woke up one to two times--sometimes three in the very beginning--at night, and I was the only one that could feed him, so I would get up and nurse. I sat on my phone and scrolled through pages and pages of Pinterest, and I would read any Facebook news--I'll tell you that not much happens at 3 a.m. It was a long night. Each time he nursed, it was forty minutes to an hour, so each time I was up, I lost an hour of sleep. This was absolutely exhausting, but I also didn't mind doing it (most nights). Justin knew how scared I was of lack of sleep and depression, so he would get up with me many times and just sit. He would lie down next to me as a support. Sometimes, he would sit on his phone and play a game. Either way, I was so thankful to his companionship. It gave me the strength to persevere. After a number of weeks, we regained hours of sleep when Charlie only needed it once or twice each night, and soon after, we realized he didn't need to eat at all. He is happily sleeping through twelve hours without milk, and he's still growing beautifully.

The beginning of my milk depletion was summer school. It was for two weeks, and I was only there from 8 a.m.-12 p.m.; however, it was much different than being at home. I could only pump once while there, on my break, for fifteen minutes. When I sat in the nurse's office, all I could do was think about how little I was pumping because it was such a short break, and I had to get back because my high schoolers would have a party without me. I didn't want to inconvenience people to watch my kids. I was only working the mornings, so I figured I shouldn't ask for too much.

After summer school, school started about three weeks later. This year we started with two full weeks of teacher work days, which meant I jumped right into full-time work. I had to consider my schedule and decide how to accomplish everything. Justin and I started getting up really early, and as new parents, I'm glad we had the two weeks to get ready for kids. We needed that time to get used to our schedule.

I tried to nurse Charlie in the mornings, and I did for quite some time, but eventually it got to be too much. The mornings are precious; this is the time I can make lunches, feed the animals, and get work done at school. Charlie took about forty minutes to nurse! This meant I was losing almost an hour of my morning time for "duties" to sitting on the couch. Although I absolutely cherished every minute of this, it just wasn't realistic. I needed more time in the morning, or I would be completely stressed out and late for work.

At some point, I decided to pump in the mornings before Charlie woke up, and this worked wonders. He held his hunger at bay until getting to the babysitter's house, and we now have that routine! I then pump again at work, and he eats twice more at the sitter's. He's not hungry when I pick him up, but a few hours later, I nurse him before he gets a bottle. I don't have enough milk to satisfy him anymore, so we do both. Sometimes, he blissfully falls asleep in my arms, and we then wake him, read to him, feed him, and put him to bed. Other times, he gets so distracted by me, he'll just stop, letting milk dribble down his face, and stare into my eyes.

It has been an incredible six months. When he was little, I was his everything. He needed my milk to just get through another two hours of baby time. He was so hungry all the time, and he was very little. I was there to satisfy him and make him grow. Each time I fed him, I envisioned him growing inches upon inches and getting bigger with each suck. Turns out, that's what was happening, and I'm so thankful. Now that he's bigger, nursing is the one thing that can calm him down in a matter of minutes. He loves it so much, and his cheeks get pink with warmth and enjoyment. He cuddles up to me like he did when he was so tiny, and he sucks with efficiency he lacked months before. It is ultimate comfort for both of us. I know that he feels safe.

As these six months come to a close, I still nurse Charlie when I can, which is usually at night. I still look down at him in amazement. Am I really feeding this human being? Am I what makes him grow? Did I really produce this heavenly liquid without doing...anything at all?

Yes, it was hard, but I've made it to six months. Charlie has made it to six months. I am so incredibly grateful for the time I've had breast feeding, and I hope it will continue! My next goal is to make it to Christmas, and then I'll see if I can make it until May. I'm just glad I've made it this far, teaching full time and parenting full time. I realize that some women can't nurse at all, and some have to stop sooner, and I'm so thankful.

Charlie's first time in his high chair

Now it's okay to admit this: I bought this high chair for around $20 from Craigslist...before I even knew we were pregnant! It was the summer before (we got pregnant by September), and I had a good feeling it was going to happen before the school year. Since I never have much time during the year, I used my summer to buy cheap baby stuff to help us financially in the future. This was a total steal!! It's been sitting in the dining room ever since, ready for our baby. Today, I decided to try it, and he's big enough--finally! He seemed to enjoy it, even though it's made of wood, and it's not that soft. It's the Eddie Bauer high chair (Target), and I recommend it!

sleep

Sometimes I have to just stop and think back to when Charlie was little.

When he was first born, he did not want to sleep. Every night became a battle. He would sleep for an hour, wake up for an hour, sleep for two, wake up for one. He had to nurse every hour or two, and I was barely making milk for the first few days. To say it was stressful is an understatement. I actually felt physical anxiety for each night. The anxiety would hit around mid to late afternoon because I knew night time would be upon us soon. I'm proud of myself for getting through each night, though, with strength. I don't think I ever had a huge break down. I mostly had tears every now and then. Lack of sleep and stress will do that to me.

At times, J and I got so desperate for sleep that we would get him out of the basinet, which was at the end of our bed facing the night light, and place him between us on the fluffy white blanket, the quilt, or the down comforter, whatever we had that night. He loved being there, and he would fall asleep for another hour or so. This was dangerous to do, but we were careful. We were so tired! I just remember waking up off and on and wishing he would stay asleep for hours. It was exhausting.

Charlie slept in a swaddler at this time, until he was a few months old. We had to wrap him tightly, which was very difficult, but it kept his hands from flailing around to wake him up. He sometimes sweated through the wrap! This is probably because he didn't like being wrapped, so he'd try to get out of it every night. We had about three swaddlers we switched out each night, and the biggest stress was not being able to find one that fit.

When he got a little older, I remember him sleep four hours straight! That was amazing. He started doing that very early on, so we weren't without sleep too long. It's still incredible to think that Justin and I went weeks waking up every four to five hours! I realize we only got through this because we had summer break. Thank goodness for maternity leave right before break. Having that time with him really helped. I knew I didn't have to get up for work at five the next day!

When he first slept over eight hours, J and I woke up shocked. We checked the monitor, hoping to find a breathing baby. Amazing! He slept through the night! What I always remembered, though, was to never expect the same thing every night. I have always prepared myself for change in a moment's notice, and it's a good thing! This eight hour thing was so sporadic. It was never constant! We were so glad when he did, but we knew it wouldn't be every night. If only!

Then it happened. He started sleeping through the night. He did this for a couple of weeks until, suddenly, he got fussy and started waking up around 3 a.m. every night. I didn't know why! We realized within a couple of weeks--Charlie was teething! He has two teeth! I'm almost sure that explains the random wake ups.

But now, alas! He has been sleeping through the night for about a month now, and it's amazing. I know it could change at any time, but I'm taking it for what it is! He now sleeps in pajamas and a sleep sack. We successfully switched him from the swaddler, which was quickly too small, to pajamas. Justin did this by taking one arm out one night (the night after he decided he was able to roll over to his stomach), then both arms a few nights later. This got him used to keeping his hands out. Sure enough, after a few days, he slept wonderfully.

Now I look at him on the video monitor (which is an awesome investment, by the way), and I can't believe he's so big. He still looks like a baby, and maybe that's because he's still pretty bald, but he is growing, growing, growing. His hands have more chub than before, and they hold mine with purpose. His face has more expressions than ever, and I can picture him as a teenager already. He can fall asleep without much of our help, and he barely has a night light in his room. We cover it mostly. That is amazing! We've gone from most lights on, in the living room, hoping for just ten minutes of sleep the first week, to the enjoyment of putting him to sleep by bathing him, reading him books, feeding and rocking him, and letting him fall asleep on his own within minutes.

God is good.

Dearest, dearest Charlie...

Dearest, dearest Charlie,

You are my heart. You are my heart, out moving around, filled with curiosity and wonder. You are my star, and you light up this dark world. There's so much going on in the nation right now that makes me want to cry: ISIS, Ebola, missing children, murderers, and more. Each day, I hear about these things on the news, but I turn away from them to look at you. Sometimes I get scared. Should I have brought an innocent, beautiful baby into a world of darkness? But then I look at you and realize the world isn't as dark as it seems. If you exist, so does goodness and love. I am thankful for you and the joy that you bring into this world, and because of God, this world is much brighter than it could be. This world is a gift, and I'm so glad you get to experience it with me.

You've really started to grow more lately, and it's making me feel a tugging in my heart. I don't necessarily want the first few days back--days one and two, where you wouldn't sleep well, and we slept in the living room, just to keep things easier and more accessible for all-nighters. But you've reached five months so quickly, and it almost hurts. It hurts in a way that is indescribable. It's not a bad pain, but it's something that tugs.

You are so beautiful as a five month old. You are getting so big; your swaddler only covers your legs now, and it used to be so big, we had to fold it down! That leaves me in amazement.

I learn from you every day. You're so happy in the morning. You are unaware of anything imperfect, and you see me with bright eyes. You smile as soon as you can, and you always smile back. You laugh at the silly little noises I make, or the books your father reads. You laugh at me moving your little feet around like you're dancing, and you laugh at daddy making funny noises. You are blissfully unaware of any bad moods or bad days. It's probably because you brighten them. Each day I come home, no matter what I've dealt with at work, I forget about it all when I see you. You erase what matters at work and you make me realize what matters at home and in my heart.

You just started cuddling more with me this past week. It started last weekend. I would pick you up, and you would lay your head on my shoulder. You hadn't done that since you were a few days or
week s old. You were a little too curious and interested in the world for a while. But you're back. And I love it.

You have been sleeping through the night all week! You finally got used to not being swaddled, and you are a wonderful sleeper. Your father and I have been very "strict" on your bed time. The truth is, mommy doesn't do well without sleep, so she knew she would have to be really scheduled with this--to help everyone. So, every night at 7 p.m., you go to bed. We give you a bath, if you need one, we read you books, and we feed you. We put you down in your crib, and we wait.

We wait on the floor next to your crib some nights. Both of us wait in your room, especially on the weekend when we aren't rushing to prepare for the next day. Sometimes your father and I lay in each other's arms, listening to you breathe, while also anxiously hoping you'll fall asleep again each night. I had a fear of no sleep before you were born, but I decided to live night by night, doing whatever we thought was right for you, and realizing that "each night is different." I've kept my expectations low, and I've stayed pleasantly surprised for the most part. I never thought I would actually be in your room because I wanted to be, but the truth is, your dad is a great story-teller, so I like to listen to him read, too, when I can. And the mystery of whether or not you will sleep keeps me interested. I want to learn as much as I can about you, and since daddy usually puts you to sleep, I stay in and hang out when I can. We both love you so much, and we just want to be near you sometimes. You want to be near us, too. You sleep on your side or your tummy now, and sometimes you sneak your way over to the wooden slats and peer down on us, as if you've "caught" us. It's adorable, although horribly distracting to you, and we have to move you back before you are able to sleep. I don't worry about you sleeping; you're a big guy now, and sleeping on your stomach is alright. I've still checked the monitor in the past two weeks more than I have since you were born.

Did I mention you're teething? Yes, you, a little five-month-old, have two teeth. Two! You started out with one, which could explain a few fussy days, and then suddenly you had two. Two little teeth are growing next to each other and showing up with your big smiles. Amazing. Sometimes I have to remind myself that you're a human being, and you're going to change, change, change, until I'm gone and you're still growing up, and you're a man. Life is just incredible, and I love you dearly.

You went to your first pumpkin patch today! You were just so darn cute. I love carrying you around to show you things, even though you will never remember it. I want to remember it, and I'll do my best, so I can tell you about it when you're older. "When we first took you to the apple festival pumpkin patch, your father and I forgot the diaper bag and money. So, we just walked around, hoping you wouldn't explode-a-poop or spit up, while stashing a t-shirt from the car in the stroller for any accidents." True story. Each little trip is so special to us this year, as they are all "firsts," and I have a fear that I'll forget some of the funniest or sweetest first moments with you. I take pictures, I live in the moment, and I write. That's how I'll remember. Then I'll tell stories to you, all the time, until you know them yourself.

Your dad and I joke: "How will we ever do this much for our second kid one day?" The truth is, we probably won't be able to. We'll be busy running after you while trying to somehow go through the early days of baby at the same time. I can't even imagine! So, no, maybe we won't do all of this for our second kid, but I'm going to hold on to each moment I have with you, because they're meant to be special. Sure, the second kid might be treated a little differently, but we will are allowed to enjoy each day with you before that time comes. Plus, they'll have you to give them attention too, so they'll be fine.

Yes, there's something super special about you, Charlie. You are our first baby, and you are teaching us how to live all over again. You are showing us what is actually important in life. You are teaching us the huge rewards for parenting, and we're listening to your doctor when he says that you're going to "keep rewarding" us the older you get. You're getting us away from our television and bringing us outside to kick a ball because it makes you giggle. You're making me happier every morning, forgetting about grumpiness. You're opening my heart to a vulnerability I never knew it had. I feel for you, I feel for other parents, I feel for people in other countries who are sick, I feel for families who have lost loved ones. It's scary how much I feel now, but it's also incredibly soothing. You're making me realize how much my parents love me. You're making me believe everything they've said. You're making me understand parents at school when they have concerns about their child. You're making me even more empathetic. You're making me sad for children who lose their parents early. You're showing me the love you have for me and your dad. You're making me pray more, and trust in God more. He gave you to me, and you're the best thing that ever happened in my life. How can I not trust? How can I not have faith? How can I not be thankful for each day?

I can't wait to see where this adventure leads us. I know it's going to be difficult, and I'm going to lose my cool. There will be some dark days ahead in life, but you'll be right next to me, right? We will get through it together. There will also be some vividly and beautifully bright days ahead, when you have to stop and remind yourself that it's real, and you'll be right next to me. We will live as much as we can, together.

Love life, Charlie. We are going to have one hell of a time.

love,
mommy

This Week.

It has been a long, long week. There are so many things that happened at work and at home, it's hard to keep track.

To start the week, a student of mine was in a bad car accident. Luckily, he is okay, but it really jarred me to hear his name when I heard the news. It really made me think deeply about how much I love some of the students I teach, and how sad I would be to no longer have them in my life. I taught this student two years in a row, the second being when I was pregnant, and he still says hi to me in the hall. These little moments will a person add up to create a little bond, and if something were to have happened to him, it would have broken my heart. Thank goodness he's okay.

This time last year, my family and I were planning the quickest way to get to the north country to see my grandma for the last time. She got sick on October 7th, sent home on October 25th, and died on November 25th. Needless to say, this season is likely going to be a sad one, bringing back some memories. It's hard to believe I spent my Thanksgiving on a twelve-hour drive last year, eating McDonald's for lunch. It was a blessing that we didn't have Charlie at the time; we wouldn't have been able to take the trip at all. As much as I wish my grandma could have met him, the timing was meant to be. I am reminded of her often, and mostly when Charlie does something new, or if we have any obstacles with him. I always wish I could ask her about it, or tell her new things. She would always have something positive to say, no matter what. She would say to continue doing things the way we feel is right. Breathing the mountain air in reminds me of the coolness of her porch in the summer. Everything is going to remind me of her this fall, and it's going to be tough, but she wouldn't want us to be sad. She is with God rejoicing her in family and her heath. However, I will never stop yearning for her, to talk to her again--about anything. I would ask her everything I wish I had asked her -- more about family history, about raising children in the 50s, about being a housewife, about the secrets of gardening. I love you, grandma. Missing you dearly.

Now for a little letter to Charlie, and I'll save it for its own post...

Sideways Sleeper

Charlie definitely sleeps sideways now!

After the late night on Saturday night--midnight, to be exact, we went to bed earlier on Sunday. However, Charlie woke up around two with a new skill: rolling over. It took about an hour, but we unswaddled him and put him back to sleep. We can't swaddle anymore because now he can't roll back over!

How does he sleep? Well, on his side! Just like me. :) It is adorable to watch him in his little sleeper sack roll around. He always ends up on his right side. The only issue is that is rolls into the slats of the crib, which makes him wake up. We were up Sunday night for about an hour, but I couldn't sleep after that (shock that he rolled over, I think), so I was up from 2:45 a.m. on that day, and that's how I started my week! Not so good. He woke up twice last night, which wasn't terrible, but it's still exhausting when I started the day off the wrong way.

Let's hope he isn't too excited and he doesn't move too much tonight. Fingers crossed!

5 months old!

Charlie is going to be five months old in three days. Where has the time gone?? He is ever changing. He rolls around a little more, holds his bottle, relaxes for longer periods of time, smiles a lot, holds our hands with meaning, and so much more.

Our newest accomplishment has been eating food-- bananas for the first time! We tried giving him some about a month ago, but he just didn't have any interest, and he kept naturally spitting it out. This time around, I couldn't keep his little fingers out of the bowl. He LOVED it! It was so fun to watch, and we even recorded it.

He is now in size 3 diapers, so we're starting to stock up on that. Shopping trips are few and far between, but I feel good about spending money on things that actually matter--such as raising a child.

There are just so many things that we see every day that are different than the day before. It's incredible. I'm so, so glad it's only been five months with him. I CAN wait to see what happens next; I want him to be little forever. However, I am excited to see all of the different stages. Life is a wild, beautiful gift. Charlie has taught me that over and over again.

As far as this weekend goes: J and I went out yesterday while mom watched Charlie, so that was very nice. We went shopping for new shoes for J and some new pants (what he owned now had holes). He found a sexy pair of black dress shoes, and two pairs of pants. We came home, and I went to help with the school dance. That wasn't so bad, and it's always fun to see the kids.

Each day has more meaning now that we have Charlie. I don't dread Sundays anymore; I don't mind the upcoming work week--maybe because I'm excited for each new day with Charlie, and each obstacle ahead is just another goal to get through. Unfortunately, work is going to get harder in the coming weeks, but it'll be alright.

Have a great week. xo