When I had Charlie, I had a goal in mind: I wanted to breastfeed for at least six months. I knew going back to work would be hard, but I was willing to struggle for a while.
Charlie is almost six months, and I'm happy to say that I've met my goal. Have we been supplementing? Yes. But I've been able to keep up with at least partial feedings for the past six months. He breastfed exclusively for two until I had to go back to work.
It has not been easy, and I'll tell you why.
When he was born, he was perfectly capable of breast feeding, but I wasn't very helpful. It's hard to explain, but I had to get some help. I ended up with a nipple shield. I love this little tool so much, and I wouldn't have been able to nurse Charlie without it! What's weird is that the lactation specialist was trying to avoid having to use one, and she waited a couple of days before telling me about it. Thank goodness she did! I've known women who were never told about it and were never able to nurse.
With that said, it still wasn't easy. The first couple of days, you have to try to squeeze any bit of colostrum out possible. One little drop was worth it. There were moments, though, when I just wanted to cry (--I did, once). My milk wasn't in yet, and it felt like I was starving him. He lost almost a pound in the hospital. I pushed on, though, knowing how much I wanted my goal to happen.
Finally, my milk came in once I got home from the hospital. This meant that I became a moving, breathing machine, producing milk at any sound of whimpering or crying. I nursed him every 2-3 hours for what felt like months. Luckily, Justin wanted to help feed him, so I would pump every now and then to produce enough to get away for a while. I would go out to get coffee and drive for a couple of hours, and Justin would feed Charlie a bottle at home.
The difficult times continued, however, because I was always anxious for my milk to come in. If I left for a couple of hours, I would be full by the time I got home. I was constantly feeling my milk come in, which meant I was also feeling pretty guilty about not being home to feed him.
I thought I would be a professional pumper and stash loads and loads of breast milk in my freezer for the coming school year. Sure, I tried, but I also was not willing to constantly be pumping or constantly be stuck at home. I just couldn't do it. I knew he'd be okay if I didn't. So, I did what I felt necessary. I would pump extra and store it. I would use it when I was away at summer school. If I needed to go somewhere, I would use the stored milk. Basically, I continued to nurse him any time I was home, and I pumped when I was away. I didn't, however, stick to the pump-all-the-time-and-have-a-major-treasure-of-milk idea. Looking back, I'm so glad I didn't. Here's why:
Nursing Charlie also meant nursing him at night, and boy, did he love that. He woke up one to two times--sometimes three in the very beginning--at night, and I was the only one that could feed him, so I would get up and nurse. I sat on my phone and scrolled through pages and pages of Pinterest, and I would read any Facebook news--I'll tell you that not much happens at 3 a.m. It was a long night. Each time he nursed, it was forty minutes to an hour, so each time I was up, I lost an hour of sleep. This was absolutely exhausting, but I also didn't mind doing it (most nights). Justin knew how scared I was of lack of sleep and depression, so he would get up with me many times and just sit. He would lie down next to me as a support. Sometimes, he would sit on his phone and play a game. Either way, I was so thankful to his companionship. It gave me the strength to persevere. After a number of weeks, we regained hours of sleep when Charlie only needed it once or twice each night, and soon after, we realized he didn't need to eat at all. He is happily sleeping through twelve hours without milk, and he's still growing beautifully.
The beginning of my milk depletion was summer school. It was for two weeks, and I was only there from 8 a.m.-12 p.m.; however, it was much different than being at home. I could only pump once while there, on my break, for fifteen minutes. When I sat in the nurse's office, all I could do was think about how little I was pumping because it was such a short break, and I had to get back because my high schoolers would have a party without me. I didn't want to inconvenience people to watch my kids. I was only working the mornings, so I figured I shouldn't ask for too much.
After summer school, school started about three weeks later. This year we started with two full weeks of teacher work days, which meant I jumped right into full-time work. I had to consider my schedule and decide how to accomplish everything. Justin and I started getting up really early, and as new parents, I'm glad we had the two weeks to get ready for kids. We needed that time to get used to our schedule.
I tried to nurse Charlie in the mornings, and I did for quite some time, but eventually it got to be too much. The mornings are precious; this is the time I can make lunches, feed the animals, and get work done at school. Charlie took about forty minutes to nurse! This meant I was losing almost an hour of my morning time for "duties" to sitting on the couch. Although I absolutely cherished every minute of this, it just wasn't realistic. I needed more time in the morning, or I would be completely stressed out and late for work.
At some point, I decided to pump in the mornings before Charlie woke up, and this worked wonders. He held his hunger at bay until getting to the babysitter's house, and we now have that routine! I then pump again at work, and he eats twice more at the sitter's. He's not hungry when I pick him up, but a few hours later, I nurse him before he gets a bottle. I don't have enough milk to satisfy him anymore, so we do both. Sometimes, he blissfully falls asleep in my arms, and we then wake him, read to him, feed him, and put him to bed. Other times, he gets so distracted by me, he'll just stop, letting milk dribble down his face, and stare into my eyes.
It has been an incredible six months. When he was little, I was his everything. He needed my milk to just get through another two hours of baby time. He was so hungry all the time, and he was very little. I was there to satisfy him and make him grow. Each time I fed him, I envisioned him growing inches upon inches and getting bigger with each suck. Turns out, that's what was happening, and I'm so thankful. Now that he's bigger, nursing is the one thing that can calm him down in a matter of minutes. He loves it so much, and his cheeks get pink with warmth and enjoyment. He cuddles up to me like he did when he was so tiny, and he sucks with efficiency he lacked months before. It is ultimate comfort for both of us. I know that he feels safe.
As these six months come to a close, I still nurse Charlie when I can, which is usually at night. I still look down at him in amazement. Am I really feeding this human being? Am I what makes him grow? Did I really produce this heavenly liquid without doing...anything at all?
Yes, it was hard, but I've made it to six months. Charlie has made it to six months. I am so incredibly grateful for the time I've had breast feeding, and I hope it will continue! My next goal is to make it to Christmas, and then I'll see if I can make it until May. I'm just glad I've made it this far, teaching full time and parenting full time. I realize that some women can't nurse at all, and some have to stop sooner, and I'm so thankful.
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