As many of you read, I wrote a "Dearest Charlie" post back in April before he was born. Well, here's another letter to Charlie after three and a half months with him. I go back to work full-time tomorrow, so this felt like an appropriate time to write again.
Dearest sweet, sweet Charlie,
I love you.
I knew I should have never questioned that before I met you. I feel exactly how I expected. I am positively in love with you. I've gotten to tickle your belly and rub your hair, smell you, hold your hands, touch your toes, and kiss your cheeks.
I thought I'd be nervous, and sometimes I am, but this has been such a natural experience so far. I thought you'd be more to handle than you actually are, and for that I am thankful. I've wiped your tears after you wake up hungry and crying, I've rubbed your forehead to soothe you, and I've rubbed your back to show you I'm close. You are on a flexible sleep schedule, and I don't worry about it as much as I thought. I get more sleep than I ever expected, and it's hard on the nights I don't, but not as hard as I thought. I am usually not grumpy, and when I am, you cheer me right up. I wake up a little mad that I have to get up to feed you, but once I'm in the nursery with you, that all disappears. I love you so much, and at this point, it feels like I would do anything to keep you safe and happy.
Everything was perfect when you arrived three and a half months ago. Everything was fine.
Being a parent is not easy. It feels natural, though, in a way I can't really explain. Yes, it's physically tiring, and yes, it can be very emotional, but I stay happy and I smile and I don't cry like I thought I would. Little did I know, I really enjoy the work of being your mom. I pushed you out, and I did and still sometimes stay sore, but my bladder is stronger than expected, and my stretch marks don't bother me as much as I thought they would. I do, however, plan to wear a one-piece the rest of my life, and that's okay with me. You're worth it.
We have had good days and bad days, as expected. You may have seen my cry once or twice, in the very beginning, but you wouldn't have known. Your eyesight was blurry for a while, so technically you didn't see much of anything. I know we'll go through rough sleep patches, but so far it's been okay, and I haven't cried over that. We'll see how I am when I start work full time. Things are looking up. Time has passed since the deaths that once affected me. They still do, but I don't have time to think on them much. I miss my grandma more than anything, but I know she's looking down on us, and your blue eyes tell me that. Maybe they'll change, but I like to think you'll have eyes like hers. I put your pictures in albums, wishing I could bring them to New York to show them to her, but I know she'll meet you one day. I wish, so badly, that I could introduce you to her, to talk to her about you, to let her hold you, but in that I am selfish. She is in Heaven where she is living without trouble breathing, and she can see us peacefully. She has been showing herself in the cool summer we've been having. I know it's her giving us one more cool New York summer, even though we couldn't make it up there this year. She knows that we wanted to, but we also didn't want to be sad all over again. She wouldn't have wanted me to drive Charlie all the way up there, anyway, so I know it's okay. Charlie, you have been healthy from the start, and that tells me you'll be okay. You'll be whoever God want you to be, with whatever problems are meant for you. It won't be because of my pregnancy. You are beautiful.
You were a big boy at 8 lbs 15 ounces! You have long, long limbs. Your arms and legs are incredible, and your long little toes and fingers. I don't care one bit that you pushed on me. You lightly push me now, when you're nursing. You grab me when your sweet hands, you wrap yourself around my waist, and you lightly kick at my side, so excited to be getting milk. It is incredible. I love you under my ribs. I love your length. I love your weight.
Charlie, I love you so much. I still use profanity, and your daddy calls our "earmuffs!", as if you know what I'm saying. I guess I need to change that bad habit of mine when I get irritated. You watch us play games, now, and you hear me sing. You hear daddy sing, and you love it.
Speaking of your daddy, he friggin' loves you. He is absolutely in love with you. He doesn't call you a ninja baby anymore, but he talks to you all the time. He reads you stories, he walks around outside with you, and he really knows how to make you laugh. He is, in fact, the one who made you smile and laugh for the first time. How lucky is he? He takes you on walks, offers to watch you when I want to go somewhere, and he has always loved playing with you. He quietly takes you in every day and every moment he's with you. I knew he would be great.
Sadie has become your second mom, and Ava is curious. Sadie is very protective of you, as she has been from day one. Henry, on the other hand, is quite aloof. He coudn't care less, and he just moves along with himself in his own little cat world. You don't seem to notice the animals much, but you do like to look at Sadie.
I love you, Charlie. I start work tomorrow, and I don't know what it will be like. I'm almost sure I'll have a break down in the coming days. I'm going to realize that this is a full-time job, and so is parenting, and I'll have to do both at once. Please be patient with me, Charlie. I will do the best I can.
I love you. I can't wait to see you after my long first day of work tomorrow.
love,
mommy
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