that twinkling, trickling sense of comfort
which fills each woeful body
it's called love--but it is not perfect

that moment where one questions the future
the hands that hold their lives delicately
the question what if? dances in the mind

comfort and question collide
a quivering mesh of mayhem fills the dreary, rainy sky.
tears flow when God hears the story of young love

it is your decision, He says.
I can't tell you where your heart is.
that's the adventure of life.

just know that I have yours.
and it's beautiful.

A Little of Everything

1. The car officially has an appointment at the auto place tomorrow after I get out of work. Can't wait for that diagnosis and bill.
2. Teaching is really tiring but also very fun. I really can't see myself doing anything else. I taught again today without problems. Hoping I can teach more soon so I get my hours.
3. Tons of grading to do tonight and other "homework" for school. It's already after 7!! I was hoping to get to bed by ten tonight, but that won't happen. I'm okay with that.
4. I went on a run today--very refreshing. I hope to run every day after work from now on. I think it'll take away some of the stress I have had lately.
5. My cat has been sneezing every couple of minutes. I'm telling you....she's got to get healthy soon! If it's not one thing it's another lately....which is why I run, so that I don't think about the possibility of her having some underlying problem.
6. I've been trying to record a song every now and then, but nothing makes me happy. I find flaw in everything I do--which is because there are flaws--but I hope that I can soon post a new, recent song, instead of picking it apart.

Have a good Wednesday!

A few of the dog neighbors...

I finally brought my camera out for a dog hang out the other day. These are just three of the pups we hang out with.... I'll try to capture some shots of the others soon.

Planning anyone?

Planning: the life of a teacher. I am finding this out rather quickly and rather inconveniently. After a trip to visit the new addition to the family (so beautiful!), I am finally home. I ended the evening with a terrible stomach ache that lasted for a couple of hours--not sure what caused it--and now I'm going to start planning for tomorrow. Tomorrow will mark the first class I teach as a student teacher. It will be the last class of the day. I'm ready and I'm not all at the same time. I am confident in my abilities to talk/teach, but I need to really plan out how to portray the material in a way that interests all learning styles. I better get started....

Good Times Good Friends

Great weekend so far! Last night we had another bbq with the neighbors and their dogs, which was awesome. Tonight, I went out with five girls to eat at a lovely restaurant and enjoy the company! I LOVE weekends that go this well! Tomorrow will be spent driving 7 hours (total) and visiting the new addition to the family. The drive will seem long since we're just going and coming back in one day, but at least I can snag some of my favorite coffee on the way! More later...(and dog pictures, can't wait to show you!)

Support my friend!

http://www.youtube.com/user/Gftdmuzician#p/a/u/0/iY74wY-I3bM

This is a friend from high school that decided to move to Atlanta to pursue his music career--heck yeah to that!

Day 1 (again)

I will keep this short; I need to get to work and get to bed. Today was far better than the first experience I had. Yes, in just one day it was better. Everything was more normal, respectable, believable, cared for, etc. The students are the prior concern, and the teachers work together to make the school as functional as possible. I got to talk to each class today with an introduction, and they followed by saying some about themselves. Overall, it was a great day. I will say that I'm (once again) very tired from getting up so early. I think it'll be mid-week next week before I really get a grip on the schedule. I was hoping to go to bed early tonight, but that just never happens. I'm actually working on a packet the teacher wanted me to make a key for (complete with answers), so that I can grade all the packets when the students turn them in tomorrow. I have a nerd side that loves to grade and have homework -- only because as of late I haven't had much to do in the evenings -- but this whole grammar/analogies/denotation and connotation/& more is something I have to get used to! Haha. Anyway, hope you're enjoying the week, and you're as glad as I am that we're nearing Friday! :)

Old Friend

Every now and then, I think about my friend Jason I knew from my first college. He was 29, I was 20, but we clicked and became friends easily. We met in my public speaking class. He was into music, so after class, he and a couple guys would meet in the piano room to play/sing. I ended up joining in for the fun of it, and they ended up turning into two of my good friends at the time. We became kind of a group. When Jason needed help, he borrowed my book. When we were hungry, we'd stop by the pizza place after class. When we were bored (or not), we'd stay after to play music for an hour or so. It was just good. Jason and and I took a walk once down this path that I hadn't seen--he took a picture of me from a wall looking down and sent it to me months later. I took a picture of him one time as we waited for class... still have it somewhere. I took it on my old camera, so I'll have to find the film and post it...We even sat in my car one night talking after class so long that the college cop kicked us out. It's just that we had a lot to talk about.. he had experienced a lot more of life than I had, so we shared our stories. He also introduced me to Tom Waits, this down home, rough and tough kind of singer. I remember a title having to do with taking "the long way home," which we both really liked. Later that year he suggested I join his new band, but they were going to be doing music a little too grunge for me.

Basically, it was great to have a friend that supported me in class, cheered me on, left notes on my "graded" papers to praise my speeches--as well as really simple yet funny pictures, etc. He also started calling me Lady Di, which I actually really grew into. And he always ended his e-mails with "have fun" or "keep having fun," which was always nice. He thought I was "quirky cool" and I thought the same of him--I mean, hell, he had a nose ring! (The kind that is in the middle at the bottom, not like when a girl has a nose piercing).

We kept in touch via e-mail for a couple of years... I told him about my foot surgeries, he told me about his living situations, exploring cities, going to NYC a lot, etc.

Then I got an e-mail that he was moving to CA. See, he and his girlfriend decided they needed someplace new to live, and San Diego it was. She found a job, and he was moving in two weeks. I tried to grab coffee with him, but our schedules didn't work out. He took his jobs, his girl, and his life to CA.

The last e-mail I got was simply him saying he'd get back to me with stories, but I guess life took over. He was unemployed and having a hard time finding work, but living in CA! I was/am so happy for him.

Reading all the old e-mails got me all nostalgic, of course, and now I know I'll go to bed wondering where he is with his life, his dogs, his girlfriend, his job, etc. He's probably 33 now... not positive, but I imagine that he could even have kids at this point. Who knows! I just hope he's doing okay, loving life, etc. I also hope that one day I'll see him again and we can catch up.

Until then, I'll just picture him in a place with a beach, his dogs and cats, his guitar, and his girl.

Ummm, yes, please!!

It's a video, so click and you can play it.

Placement

It is official: I have been placed with a new teacher. She seems like a very nice person so far--she is about my mother's age--and she teaches a teaching class (class for students who want to be teachers--I'm excited about this one, English 11, AP English 11, and reading. It is block schedule, so four classes each day. I start with planning, move to the teaching class, then third is split into AP English and English 11, and finishing with reading for fourth. It sounds like a great schedule compared to the one I was in with 8 periods each day. I've never liked having tons of short periods. I'd rather just have blocks....even if it is a lot of time to fill.

I probably start tomorrow, so wish me luck!

For today, I'll take advantage of the day of to run some errands, make some coffee, go to an interesting class with my friend (supposedly it's quite amusing), and hopefully watch Glee. Sounds like a pretty good day ahead of me.

On The Subject of Babies

Since I have a (future) niece now, it got me thinking about babies and my complicated relationship with them. To be honest, I have never felt comfortable holding other people's babies or babysitting very much. However, I always helped in church nursery growing up. I guess it was okay because there were other adults in the room that could grab the crying baby if need be. I also did a couple babysitting jobs--I hated the one I did by myself, and the ones with friends were only just okay. Thing is, I don't think I was a fan of other kids because I was still young myself (high school/middle school), and I also was blown away by how different each family was with their rules and how they treated their kids. Babysitting was too much for me.

One thing has never changed, though: I have always wanted kids.

And now that I already have a little baby to celebrate in the family, I'm ready to love her. I realize that I have grown into someone that is ready to be an aunt for a little girl, and I can't wait for her to know me as one. I look up to my aunts so much--they are amazing. There is something special about an aunt.. it's not your mom or your grandma or sister.. but someone so special. I look forward to being there for her and being a good role model for her. I also look forward to watching her grow up and hopefully being there for her for years and years. I want to give her what my aunts have given me. My aunt d is an art teacher, a goofy-amazing story teller, and an absolutely amazing singer. My aunt m was a lawyer, became a teacher, and is one of the most chill, loving, well-dressed women I have ever met. They are -- in short -- fantastic.

I am DEFINITELY not ready for kids, but one day I will be. For now, I'll give my niece all the love I can.

!!!!

As of 1:05, my future sister-in-law is in labor!! I am so happy for them and excited for her. I am feeling serious love for this future niece of mine, and I can't wait to see her! Her name is Courtenay Rose--both names are family names. Considering how small my family is, and how I have only one cousin by-marriage, this is a great start to my future family. It's perfect- now I have to decide... Aunt DD, Aunt Di, Aunt Dianna, Aunt D.

I'm thinking Aunt DD.

Update to come later!

***Update: Courtenay Rose was born at 5:15 pm, September 20, 2010. 6 lbs 7 oz and 19" all healthy!

Local Drive

A glimpse of my early morning drive to make breakfast this morning...

Blarg

Vet appointment went okay... she has a small "rodent ulcer" (google it) that could be caused by all sorts of things. It could be from an allergy, cancer (though they did not find any cancerous-looking cells when they did a small swipe of the lip), or auto-immune disease. The vet said that steroids should be given first to see if it goes down--if so, it's probably allergies. However, it could be a disease--(not life-threatening usually)--in which the ulcers will probably re-occur and we will have to get steroids maybe two-three times per year, depending. The only way to figure out exactly what is causing it is a biopsy which runs $400 +. I'm thinking this is pointless, especially if it is allergies. We go in Monday or Tuesday to get the steroids for her.

Even though she's probably going to be okay, it is exhausting to be concerned about a favorite pet or animal. I tend to not think about it most of the time, but when I do, or when I look at her lip, or go to the vet, it's very tiresome because just like a parent with a child, it becomes very important to help the animal and figure out what's going on. It's also frustrating to have the vet simply say it could be a number of things blah blah, and hack out the $73 for the visit and cell check. We have spent about $300 on Ava this summer alone. Before that, she was the healthiest cat.

So on to the money issue (with me, anyway)--it sucks to have a cat that is sick, a car that has horrible gas mileage (we knew this would be the case, but we decided for an suv anyway), and a wedding coming up within the year. It also sucks that the wedding costs a huge amount of money, even to just rent a tent/table/chairs, or get a caterer. I'm realizing, though, that it will be a much more enjoyable day if I just pay the money for people such as the caterer, so it's worth it. I've just been putting it off....

On a good note, this weekend is j's family reunion and bbq. They roast a pig and cook more meet under the huge bonfire in a deep pit (really fun to watch it get put together). There is always some sort of band there--always family members (one day I'll do it! haha), and plenty of drinks. Usually we camp in tents for the weekend, but since we are coming from a farther distance, and we're bringing both animals--I, at least, will be going home to sleep each night. I'm helping with breakfast tomorrow morning--6 30 am--but some good coffee will help with that. On Saturday, I'm probably going to sneak away from the crowd (probably 150 or so this time around) to hang out with my family, since my house is only about 20 minutes away from the farm. A college friend will be there as well. I went to middle school, high school, and comm college with him for years, only to find out later (we ended up at the same college) that he is J's cousin! Very strange to find this out because I had known him for much longer than J. It's nice to know we'll be extended family, and I have another familiar face to see this year at the bbq.

Enjoy your weekend. I'll make sure to take lots of pictures to share with you. :)

Rollercoaster

My life and surroundings have been ups and downs lately for sure. The car worked just fine today, so for that I am grateful. Also, my advisor has spoken with a school system, and they are working on getting me placed with a new teacher. Awesome. Lastly, however, my cat has formed a swollen upper lip that looks like an ulcer on the inside and a swollen lower lip/chin. It is the strangest thing. I'm concerned because she was a very healthy cat before we got our dog--which is when all sorts of health issues arrived. I'm thinking she either has formed an autoimmune disease that affects her in stages (swollen paws, now swollen lips), or she is allergic to something about the dog or that the dog is bringing in with her. It can also be a sign of cancer--the swollen lips--but let's just hope that's not the case. Going in for yet another vet appointment tomorrow at 10 30 am. Sigh.

End note: I got to watch the first show of season 6 of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia! It was definitely entertaining. I might have to get cable so I can actually watch the shows without crashing my friend's place...

Slightly Depressed

So I got the '96 Jeep Grand Cherokee for my use. I spent a good amount of money for it, but not over what I thought was reasonable for an old car with some mileage on it. So far with only owning it for about a week, it has shown signs of not wanting to start and/or stalling. The first time I noticed was when I went to start the car and it kind of had a catch then cut out. I figured maybe it was something with how I turned the key. The next time I started the car it was obvious that it was hesitating to start. This evening when I left my friend's house to head home, it stalled as I was backing and pulling forward to get out of the parallel parking spot.

At this point I'm planning on driving it home this weekend for J's family reunion/bbq. I'm going to consult my dad and see what he thinks.

It's just frustrating that my first "real" car (I say this because the others were either passed down or were $300 from an old boyfriend's grandpa), and it's already showing signs of old age. Other than the random stalling today, the Jeep is all I've ever wanted. I friggin' love Jeeps.

My biggest fear? I have been reading '96 Jeep forums for the past hour or more working myself up about it. There are hundreds of posts about these cars stalling and especially problems with the dealers/mechanics not knowing how to fix it. Turns out many people have the problem while driving full speeds.

Does this make me nervous? Yes. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

Attack of the Spider!

Now I know my fear of spiders is reasonable!

Can I Do It?

Will I do it? Will I actually make a change in myself to become healthier and more active? This seems like it would be an easy question to answer, but with experience, it is unpredictable.

I found an old notebook I have filled with old newspaper clippings of my friends, family, and I in sports, band, work, etc. There is even a clipping of me serving ice cream at the old drug store I worked in during high school. Looking through the pictures once again reminds me of who I was as an athlete and how active I used to be. I was in the newspaper for one thing or another numerous times during my athletic career. Mostly it was for being the freshman that would get into a game and surprise everyone by scoring 11 points in a row or spiking the opponents ball 6-8 times to gain control. I wasn't a local star or anything--I never was the best. However, I always was there to try and work hard for the goal.

Me playing soccer, ignore the arrow over my head.. it was my way of showing which one was me for those looking at my newspaper clippings:

Some of the lack of exercise is natural, however, with growing older and busier (in high school all I did was sports), having jobs, and just not as much time devoted as in high school. Also, I have to say that I was miserable many days in practice because they were so long and grueling. I don't plan on needing that kind of fitness in my life again. However, I would prefer to be more active than I am now. It's almost like I want to join a volleyball club or something... too bad I'm not a student anymore!

My most recent excuses for not running are as follows:
1. New neighborhood, hate running on busy roads
2. Ipod has been dead since I moved
3. No running buddy (as much as I hate running right next to someone, I used to run with my friend, and he would run ahead. It kept me going and I knew I couldn't just stop)
4. Not knowing where I should run or in what direction... not sure how long the roads are or how long, let's just say, 3 miles is around here. My old neighborhood was easy and it had a great nature path I ran on. Nothing like that here! Just cars and people... everywhere.
5. Not knowing where my inhaler is since I've moved. My doctor said a while back that my lung function was lower than average for my height/weight, and I should at least try using an inhaler before a run. She said it could be a form of asthma. I went to the doctor because of my lack of breath and some pain I had. She wanted me to get a lung function test, but it cost over $2,000 dollars.. I'm sure it would have been covered by insurance, but at the time I was too nervous to go. I'll admit that I'm kind of scared to push myself because I notice my chest really feeling strained during a run. (And since then, I had appendicitis and surgery!) I have no idea where my inhaler is!!

There are some that obsess about their weight and exercise, and I also don't want to be like that. I feel good about my looks 95% of the time, so this would be for my personal health and yes, getting rid of a few pounds.

The first step is just getting outside, as a friend of mine, as well as many others, have told me. Today is a beautiful day and I plan on doing just that. Once winter comes, who knows what I'll do. All I know is I wish I could afford a gym membership right about now! (or a personal trainer, running buddy... something!)

Muse (ic)

I'm in the mood for Muse tonight.





I love their style and the way they build each song.

Football, rain, and wet peanuts

I begin by saying I wish I had pictures of this weekend; however, my battery for the camera was dead. My brother came to visit, and I invited him to the football game. We wake up on Saturday to see cloudy skies, no biggy--right? The game began and so did the rain. Harder. Harder. Harder. It became a flowing stream down my cheeks, hair, and body. My brother had a weather-proof jacket on, so he didn't get the worst of it, though he was also drenched by the end. It's funny to think I was trying to blow-dry my hair before the game because I waited to shower until the last minute. No need! We stayed until the third quarter and began our walk home. It was getting really cold for me at that point! I have to say, though, it was a memorable few hours for my brother and I, it was his first game experience, and I know we both will always remember it.

Today I didn't do much, but I'm okay with that... especially on a Sunday. It turned out to be a great day. I was outside much of the time with the dogs, chatting along with the neighbors. I also made a trip to taste my first pumpkin spice latte of the season. Later this evening I made dinner and dessert with a neighbor of mine. We made breaded chicken and noodles and peach pie. Ah-ma-zing! The best part: she sent me home with the pie. I get to have more tomorrow! :)

Speaking of tomorrow... I have a lot to do. Even though I don't have to go into school until I hear from the advisor, I'm taking advantage and going to the DMV. Unfortunately, it's a lot of extra tedious work to get a car registered, titled, etc., after being bought. I've never done it before, but I'm just going to grab a stack of papers and hope I have enough information for them to grant me all information necessary to drive the car! The only problem I see is having proof of insurance... We have insurance but no printer. I might have to stop by the school first (yuck) to get some sort of proof.

J is feeling like he's coming down with a cold, so I'm hoping he feels better soon. Let's hope I don't do the same after all that cold rain!

PS: update on the concealer/make-up post: I definitely bought the wrong color.. my face looks almost splotchy when I put it on. Failure on my part.. make-up is just not worth it!

Cookouts and Make Up

We have had yet another successful and extremely fun cookout this summer! I wish I had taken pictures, because our BBQ was set up right next to a huge bush (fire hazard), and we had about 8 dogs running around playing while all the owners were on a blanket or in chairs. Our neighbors are just awesome, which I've said before, but we all just get along so well. We sat and talked for over four hours, only deciding to go in because it was too dark. We had amazing beef hamburgers, bratwursts, fruit salad, potato salad, etc. It was so good!

Today I decided to buy make-up. Yeah, I don't wear it much, and when I do, I hardly know what to do. I usually use a little bit of powder and some eye shadow. Maybe because I'm starting a job that will create dark circles at least for the first few weeks, I started thinking about make up? Who knows. All my friends use the whole set of things (concealer, powder, etc.)--I've just never started. I bought the concealer, dark circle stuff, and powder. OH LORD. I don't even know where to begin. I don't this this relationship will last because I put it on today and don't really notice a difference. I'll try it for a few days.. maybe my friends can help!!

Happy September!

About this time of year, I start getting ready for fall. As much as I deeply love summer heat and everything that comes with it (except mosquitoes), I tend to begin to think of sweaters and brisk walks and leaves changing colors. Each year I am reminded that I love fall. Can it be true that I love all seasons for specific, different reasons? Close. Fall is perfect for pumpkins and warm pictures and open windows. Winter is the one that I pretty much despise for all reasons having to do with extreme cold and feeling like I can't go outside unless I'm carrying an extra bag of clothes so that I can wear them to work then have to take three layers off at work. However, I enjoy the holiday season, and snow is okay, too. Winter also makes me want to cuddle and sit by a fire, and that's a nice, cozy feeling. Spring is perfect because the weather is at the point where I wear shorts, even though I would normally think it is cold. It is the time after the long winter, and I have waited so long to see green and yellow and blue. Summer.....summer is me. Summer is letting go and wearing as little clothes as possible. Summer is swimming and feeling free. It means I can sit in the grass as long as I want and, more importantly, stay out as late as I want, without it getting cold. I could stay out all night in the summer watching the sky that doesn't move. Everything is relaxed.

So this is why I am sad to know that summer is close to an end, but I'm excited about what follows. Although I know I will be complaining about my lack of winter clothes and lack of funds for winter clothes in just a few short months, and I will be cursing the cold air that hits my face at 5 a.m. every morning, I am going to attempt to make the best of it. This year will fly by just as all the others have, and each year will make me older. Hello, Fall (according to school semesters), and welcome.