Things have been going well lately. He's nowhere near as fussy as he used to be when he was younger, and he is becoming an absolute personality. He coos and laughs when I talk to him, and he imitates sounds. He tries out his voice a lot lately. Last week, he was doing a little screech over and over again. It was absolutely adorable, but it was also a little annoying lol. Luckily, he only did it for two days. Lately, he has been sticking his tongue out a lot while laughing. It's hilarious to watch, and he had never done it before. He's experimenting.
He also really likes to move his feet back and forth along his mirror in the car. The mirror moves, and he watches it, soothing himself.
Another change I've noticed is he seems to like being cuddled just a little more than before. He just seems more human now--with each day. It's incredible.
With all the beauty of parenting, there are also many questions and frustrations. Having two full-time teachers in the house makes it difficult to get things done. Sometimes it feels like I just have so much to do and so much on my mind, I could just break down. But I don't. And amazingly, most of the time, it's not at all overwhelming. It's just different.
I also notice that I think a lot about Charlie's well-being. I worry about him at the babysitter's without me; it's not that I don't trust her, but it's just that I can't see him. If I hear him getting a cold, I want to hug him that much longer before bed. If he's sleepy, I hate to wake him up. There are so many little things to think about now, and so many reasons for them, but many times you have to go against what you actually think is right or possibly what you would rather do.
I have to wake him up because I have to go to work.
I have to bring him to a sitter because I choose to go to work.
I have to give him saline drops, even if he hates it.
I have to give him formula sometimes because I can't produce enough milk after my kidney stone incident.
You see? It's all a little blurry...what's right, what's wrong, what's BEST, what's possible...
But, we do our best. Parenting is weird. Somehow, we've been trusted to take care of this beautiful, beautiful human being. We don't know any answers. This is what we say a lot: "You know as much as I do!" In other words, I know jack squat. But, we do our best. We're learning as we go, and we're loving it.
Yes, sometimes it's hard to go to work, but I get to see him at the end of the day, and I get to talk to my other kids about him at school.
Yes, it's hard to bring him to a sitter, but she's great, and she helps out in many ways.
Yes, it sucks to give him formula, but he's handling it well, he's fine with any bottle we give him, and I am still able to nurse him a couple times per day.
You see? It's all a little blurry...
There is one thing that is perfectly and incredibly clear: I love Charlie with every little section of my heart. I love him in ways that I have never loved before. He is part of me, part of a gift, part of naivety, part of innocence. Charlie is my heart. He's not walking around yet, but I can imagine this little adventure will get even harder when he does. I'll have my heart tugging on me wherever I am, always wanting to find its way back to my body.
The other night, after giving Charlie all the love we had and the star treatment before bed, Justin asked, "How will we ever do this for a second kid?" We busted out laughing. It's so true. I know I'll love my second kid just as much as Charlie, but there's something absolutely thrilling and special about the first.
My heart aches when I think about how quickly he is growing--and how old I am growing with each day. I'm going to try to not worry about the world--and instead just love as much as I can. The world needs more love these days, anyway.
xo
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