Disclaimer: I barely get time to write anymore, so this is a patched-together attempt at a blog post about the thing that has changed my life completely: parenthood. This post likely be edited later, but heck, I have to get something "down on paper" before I run out of time before work.
Every day, my brain starts thinking of the perfect words to express how motherhood feels, but I never seem to stop, reflect, and write. Writing is something that frees me in ways that nothing else does, yet it's one of the hardest things for me to do sometimes--now, mainly, because I have a 13-week-old infant.
On May 6, my life looked like this: daily grind, sit at home and do whatever, go on dates whenever, and sleep in till whenever on weekends.
On May 7, I went into labor.
On May 8, I had the most beautiful baby boy, and my life now looks like this: get up and think about Charlie, think about what's best for Charlie during the day, watch t.v. while I nurse every two to three hours, get distracted by said show because I am watching my son breathe and move his toes in content and release a long, happy sigh; get Charlie ready for bed, go to bed, check the monitor to make sure he's out, wake up one to two times per night to nurse him, wake up early for either work/errands/Charlie or time-before-Charlie-wakes-up-bliss.
And guess what? My life is enriched more now than it ever was. Those days of sitting around all the time to watch t.v. or sit on Facebook or (cough) write blogs are now days of watching my son grow with little steps each day, making sure he gets adequate food, checking on him while he sleeps, washing his many loads of laundry--just to name a few.
I'm not going to say life is easier. It's quite the opposite. But it's more rewarding, and it's more meaningful. This is not to say that anyone without a child doesn't have a meaningful life. Please don't read into it that way. I'm simply finding the good in a new lifestyle.
Let this be known: I try not to worship my son or live only for him. I once read that it's good to follow this order: God, spouse, child. I am trying to keep that in mind, but I'll admit that it's so hard! The last thing on the list just happens to be the cutest little creature I've ever seen, and heck, my husband can take care of himself! With that said, I'm trying to evenly distribute my love. I think I'm doing an okay job so far.
I am finally here to tell you about motherhood and my life so far, but where do I start? There are so many things I want to say, and so many momentous occasions I want to record, but where in the world do I start? I guess I'll tell you that the reason I'm really sitting down, finally, to write this is because I start work as a high school teacher again in just a week and a half. To say I am nervous and sad is an understatement. I'm totally freaking out. I know that there are tons of working moms out there, but sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by SAHMs. There's nothing wrong with either lifestyle, but let's just say I'm hoping to find some friends who are working moms! Luckily, there are many moms at my school, so I look forward to having something else in common with them.
With that said, here are some thoughts about motherhood:
I thought it would be much, much more difficult to have a baby. Don't get me wrong: it is difficult. However, I used to think ahead to life-with-baby, and I thought it would be nights with NO sleep and days with NO fun. There's this weird habitual joke with many parents to say, "Oh, kiss [insert something blissful you enjoy doing in life] goodbye after you have that baby!" This is completely untrue. Now, it's true that you won't really have time to do many of those things, but let's not forget the reward in their place.
It has also been easier to continue doing things I love because I have an extremely supportive and active husband. Without him, I could see the more negative side of parenting, but thankfully I don't have to. I respect and praise all single parents out there, or all spouses who are in one-sided relationships.
Two different situations with two complete strangers really made me think about parenthood. Both happened at my retail job.
First, when I was about 30-35 weeks pregnant, I got on a small ladder to get some shoes down for a customer. I was wearing an apron, so she didn't know I was pregnant. A co-worker called across the store, "Dianna, I'll get that! You get down from that ladder. You're pregnant!" Suddenly, all of the women surrounding me on the floor rushed to my aid (as if I had actually fallen). "Oh honey, be careful! You have the most precious gift right now; you need to take care of it!" I wasn't offended by their advice at all. I mean, I was really pregnant, and I was pushing the limits. I tend to be stubborn, and I don't like to look incapable of doing things--like getting on a little four-foot ladder. Little did I know the reaction I would get! The point of this story is that the women then crowded around me, asked what I was having, what his name would be, when I was due, and any other little question I got every other day. However, instead of joking about how much life would suck after having Charlie, they genuinely looked me in the eyes and told me how incredible it would be. They told me I would enjoy every minute, and I would love the experience. They told me there was no love like the love I would have or Charlie.
That was the best time to hear those words--when I was really pregnant, working seven days per week, and starting to get nervous about labor.
The second conversation was about six weeks into parenthood. Justin was back to work, and I stopped back by my retail job to show my friends the baby. I was waiting on a friend to get off the phone with a customer when a woman walked up to me and Charlie. I had him sitting in his carrier on the counter. She immediately asked how old he was. When I told her he was (four or six?) weeks old, she proceeded to gasp and coo and smile. She went on and on about how incredible being a parent is, how precious Charlie was, and how much fun, fun, fun he would be. She got so excited, she even turned to her husband and said, "Honey, come here, it's a sweet newborn; come look." He then reached over Charlie and smiled at him, commenting on how sweet he was. Turns out, her husband was a teacher also, so we also had that in common. It was so cool. She was openly discussing how amazing parenthood is. Now, let's not get this confused with people who say, "Enjoy every moment. It will go by so fast." Sometimes, that can make new parents feel like every moment should be perfect. What if we don't enjoy the high-pitch screams? Instead, this woman calmly expressed how incredible it was, without making it seem either 100% perfect or 95% terrible.
I read an article on HuffPost once from the point of view of a new mom. She said that at one point, she was sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, so she took her baby to Target to walk around. While shopping, someone stopped to say how absolutely cute her baby was. Just this little positive conversation helped the new mom feel great and remember how cute her baby really was--by cute, I mean all-around precious--and it reminded her of the good needed to get through the next few days. Even though I'm having a much easier time than this mom, it really made me think. We should all stop to say how sweet a baby is, instead of staring or not saying anything at all.
I digress.
Now, I should first mention that Justin and I are both on summer break. This has made the transition into parenthood much smoother, I'm guessing. We have worked together as a team through everything, which has been awesome. We are home with Charlie much of the time, so we've been able to hang with him before going back to work in the fall. Life will be much tougher when school comes along, but we are cherishing what we have now.
Here are some things that get difficult with a baby around:
1. watching juicy television
2. writing blog posts (this has taken me days, people)
3. going to bed without thought
4. sleeping through the night
5. carrying a large amount of items
6. showering
7. grocery shopping
8. taking pictures
9. going to the store
10. going on trips
11. game nights with friends (now, impossible)
12. shopping for clothes/shoes on your own
Here are some things that make the difficult times easier:
1. Charlie's genuine smile
2. Charlie's scent. Justin says he smells good "like his mommy."
3. His bald head. Seriously, it's great. It really gives him that old man look.
4. Shared jokes and laughter between Justin and me in the middle of chaos.
5. Seeing Charlie grab, hold, and move a little tiger stuffed animal for the first time.
6. Hearing Charlie "talk."
7. Making Charlie laugh by blowing on his stomach.
8. The look I now share with other moms in stores.
9. The openness of my mind now that I know what having a baby is like, and it's humbling.
10. The moments when Charlie will actually cuddle with me under my chin.
11. A super helpful husband
12. Friends that work around the baby naps and early bedtime
After reading the list, realize that humor is key. If Justin and I didn't laugh, make fun of the baby and ourselves (in a loving way, of course), make some dirty jokes and call out "earmuffs" when Charlie's around (as if he knows what we're saying), we'd be pretty serious people. When we go to work, it will be harder to be as "chill," but with some laughter, lowered expectations, and non-serious attitudes, we should be okay. Each day (and night) is new. Things change all the time. Embrace change.
Right now, life is great. Sure, when work starts, it's probably going to suck for a while. The best thing I can do is realize that life isn't perfect, no baby or relationship is perfect, and no lifestyle is perfect. I need to stay positive. I need to enjoy each little thing Charlie does; one day he will be so big, I won't remember when he was a baby--which is why I'm trying to write more on this blog.
I don't write or post to make anyone think I have a perfect life or a better life than him or her. I write so that I can remember. I'll be posting more soon--including my birth story. For some reason, I don't want to forget that, either.
More soon.
D
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