Happy 1st Birthday!

Dearest Charlie,

One year ago, today, I met you for the first time. The moment I looked at you, my whole world swelled with an intense, rich love. I was spinning with emotion. I had never been more in love with someone my entire life. Don't get me wrong, I love your dad, and I felt giddy when I met him, but it took hours and days for the process of love to happen between us. I didn't know him when we met. I didn't know you, either, but it was an innate, intuitive love that swallowed me up. My heart was drowning in absolute joy--and still is.

One year ago, I decided I would never go back to my life before you. Sure, there have been some changes and sacrifices. Your dad and I don't go out as often, and we don't socialize as easily. It takes time. We didn't sleep much at first, but we settled in easily enough. It takes significant effort to do little tasks, such as go to the grocery store, or simply get into the house with all my school bags. What I notice, however, is that I've never complained less in my life. You have humbled me. I do these things because I'm your mom, and I would do anything for you. I don't mind the extra bags and weight carried because you don't weigh me down; you lift me higher than I ever imagined.

One year ago, I held you more carefully than I would hold glass. Being a mom means I am constantly thinking about what is best for you. I keep it under control, but I worry about how much television you see at the babysitter's, how little time I spend with you during the week, how upset you'll get when we ween you from the bottle, or how you'll struggle when we take away your pacifier indefinitely. I think ahead to the future, too: Where will you go to school? How will we get you to preschool? Will you make friends and have fun? Will you be shy like I was? Will you get through middle school without anxiety?

One year ago, I held you, and you instilled in me a confidence I didn't know I had: the confidence of my purpose to be your mom. Sure, I worry and question things, but then I look at you smiling back with those eyes and your father's sideways smile, and all of my fears rest.

One year ago, I met you for the first time. I became a mom.

I am now a better person. I open my heart wider. I thank God more sincerely. I empathize with other parents. I understand children. I work harder. I'm a better teacher. I appreciate quiet time. I look forward to seeing you each morning. I feel and I love.

I love, and then I love more.

I am consistently vulnerable.

I am the best version of me.

Love, mommy

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Your stats:

27 lbs 31 inches (?)
8+ teeth
first words: daddy, kitty cat, dog
favorite foods: bananas, avacado, peaches, cheese
favorite toys: teething toys,
favorite books: Sandra Boyton, 100 first words
favorite activity: dancing with us