Working Mom

Being a working mom is not the most popular decision in the area that I live, but it has been the right one for us so far. I can't say that it's easy, but it hasn't been horrible.

During the weekend before school started, and week one of school, I was dealing with a kidney stone. I was on a lot of hard medications, so each night I would come home, feed Charlie a bottle, wait for Justin, take the strong medication, and fall asleep or doze for the remainder of the night. I barely knew where I was, and I was just trying to avoid taking a day off. I was in a good amount of pain, and by each evening, it was at its worst. I would go to sleep, dreading the next day ahead.

After getting rid of the stone that Saturday, I had week two of school ahead. Well, I made it to Wednesday before I had a breakdown. Looking back, it was really week one of school. I was actually feeling well enough to be me, I was getting to know the kids, and I was teaching better than the first week. I was also more aware of my emotions. So, naturally, on Wednesday, I collapsed. All I could think about was the unknown happenings at the babysitter (bad ones--all in my imagination), the hours away from Charlie, and the idea that he could love someone more than me one day (the babysitter).

I'm happy to say that I'm doing great, and it's week four of school! Yes, I'm sure I'll have my set-backs, and my depressing nights or early mornings, but I've finally gotten into the groove of my life, and I'm enjoying it so far. I am on a set schedule, which I know would be hard for me if I were home all day. Charlie is in the care of someone I am learning to trust; trust takes time with me. After school I get to rush to see his smiling face, and he is my incredible reward after a long day. He is a wonderful almost five month old, and he is mine.

I am no longer worried about the time spent away from him or him loving someone else more than me. He seems to appreciate me every day and love me. There has been no regression in his love--he only seems to show love more.

Yes, I know the days will be long, and the hours will be short. I know some days will be much worse than others. I know that one day I'll want to quit my job, and I know that one day I'll think Charlie loves me less. I know that life will get even harder with more kids and less money, and I know that there will be obstacles more than a few times each year.

But I also know how much I love my son, and how much he loves me. I know how easy it is to forget everything bad in the world around me and just look in his eyes, assured that everything will be okay.

my face

Last night, Charlie woke up at 2 a.m. He has started to wake up once every night again--who knows why--but J is usually the one to get up, so I'm okay with it.

However, last night I decided to get up to help. I changed Charlie's diaper quickly, and since J wasn't in the room yet, I took a few minutes to just hold my baby. He stared up at me lovingly. He then reached up with both hands to feel my face. He felt all over, as if he was trying to remember how it felt for later. He would then drop his hands and stare at me, only to do it over and over again. It was the most precious few minutes. It was one of those defining moments in life that reminds you of how lucky you are to be alive and experience just five minutes with the best gift God can give.

I'll never forget how he felt my face and looked at me. As I said, he repeated it numerous times. J came in the room ready to take over, but I just couldn't get up. I told him to watch, and Justin watched as Charlie learned about his mommy. I then stood up to let J put him to bed.

I'm telling you, though, that was one of the coolest few minutes of my life.

4 months old (continued)

Charlie is four months old! Sometimes I look around for the person actually in charge of raising a little baby, and I realize it's actually me. It's so surreal.

Things have been going well lately. He's nowhere near as fussy as he used to be when he was younger, and he is becoming an absolute personality. He coos and laughs when I talk to him, and he imitates sounds. He tries out his voice a lot lately. Last week, he was doing a little screech over and over again. It was absolutely adorable, but it was also a little annoying lol. Luckily, he only did it for two days. Lately, he has been sticking his tongue out a lot while laughing. It's hilarious to watch, and he had never done it before. He's experimenting.

He also really likes to move his feet back and forth along his mirror in the car. The mirror moves, and he watches it, soothing himself.

Another change I've noticed is he seems to like being cuddled just a little more than before. He just seems more human now--with each day. It's incredible.

With all the beauty of parenting, there are also many questions and frustrations. Having two full-time teachers in the house makes it difficult to get things done. Sometimes it feels like I just have so much to do and so much on my mind, I could just break down. But I don't. And amazingly, most of the time, it's not at all overwhelming. It's just different.

I also notice that I think a lot about Charlie's well-being. I worry about him at the babysitter's without me; it's not that I don't trust her, but it's just that I can't see him. If I hear him getting a cold, I want to hug him that much longer before bed. If he's sleepy, I hate to wake him up. There are so many little things to think about now, and so many reasons for them, but many times you have to go against what you actually think is right or possibly what you would rather do.

I have to wake him up because I have to go to work.

I have to bring him to a sitter because I choose to go to work.

I have to give him saline drops, even if he hates it.

I have to give him formula sometimes because I can't produce enough milk after my kidney stone incident.

You see? It's all a little blurry...what's right, what's wrong, what's BEST, what's possible...

But, we do our best. Parenting is weird. Somehow, we've been trusted to take care of this beautiful, beautiful human being. We don't know any answers. This is what we say a lot: "You know as much as I do!" In other words, I know jack squat. But, we do our best. We're learning as we go, and we're loving it.

Yes, sometimes it's hard to go to work, but I get to see him at the end of the day, and I get to talk to my other kids about him at school.

Yes, it's hard to bring him to a sitter, but she's great, and she helps out in many ways.

Yes, it sucks to give him formula, but he's handling it well, he's fine with any bottle we give him, and I am still able to nurse him a couple times per day.

You see? It's all a little blurry...

There is one thing that is perfectly and incredibly clear: I love Charlie with every little section of my heart. I love him in ways that I have never loved before. He is part of me, part of a gift, part of naivety, part of innocence. Charlie is my heart. He's not walking around yet, but I can imagine this little adventure will get even harder when he does. I'll have my heart tugging on me wherever I am, always wanting to find its way back to my body.

The other night, after giving Charlie all the love we had and the star treatment before bed, Justin asked, "How will we ever do this for a second kid?" We busted out laughing. It's so true. I know I'll love my second kid just as much as Charlie, but there's something absolutely thrilling and special about the first.

My heart aches when I think about how quickly he is growing--and how old I am growing with each day. I'm going to try to not worry about the world--and instead just love as much as I can. The world needs more love these days, anyway.

xo

teacher talk

"[This] has stuck with me for years: 'They need to that you care before they care what you know.'" -Bob Sullo, Author and Educational Consultant

"I started my teaching career in an alternative school in a rough part of town. My mentor told me 'Don't take it personally. The students want you to hurt as much as they are hurting.' I have never forgotten that and each day, the slate is wiped clean and I harbor no grudges towards my students."
-Lisa Brown