Dearest Charlie

Dearest Charlie,

I love you.

Did I just say that to a member of the opposite sex without having met them? I guess I did. What's incredible is that I am completely, most positively sure how much I love you, and I've never even touched you with my fingertips. You've touched my insides, but that's a little different, and it sounds a little gross, so it doesn't count.

Just because I love you doesn't mean I'm not a little--a lot--nervous and afraid. I mean, you're going to be a lot to handle. The most I've had to deal with in this life is, well, myself. I'd say I'm probably my own problem most of the time. It's a little scary to think that instead of getting my tears wiped away, I'll be wiping all of yours away. And instead of someone holding my hair when I'm sick, I'll be wiping your head with a cold wash cloth, stroking your back, soothing you. I've only recently grown comfortable holding other little babies, thanks to your cousins, and I couldn't tell you the first step to getting a baby to have a regular sleep cycle, or how to potty train. I also don't do well without sleep, and the word on the street is that I won't sleep for the next twenty years. I hope you'll realize that I love you, even when I'm grumpy from lack of sleep.

Somehow, though, I know "everything will be alright" when you arrive in just a number of days.

That doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I hear you're going to be a pain--literally. Supposedly, after pushing you out, I'm going to have sore boobs, a sore butt, and I'll probably have bladder problems my entire life. I already have some stretch marks, which I despise, and I can imagine with my stomach will look like once it's...deflated. What's weird, though, is that I really don't mind. I'm not sure that I would be able to say that for many other people in my life, so you're one lucky dude.

We're going to have our good days and our bad days. I'm sure you'll hear me cry a few times--heck, who am I kidding? We'll be crying together, wondering why we aren't asleep, and I hope it doesn't bother you. In fact, this winter was slow and sorrowful. I hope it didn't bother you when my grandma passed away in November, or when my friend passed away in January. I couldn't help but cry a few times, but I felt your comfort, and I knew you were strong. Some say, "Don't get stressed; it'll hurt the baby." Well, things happen, and for me, it happened all at once. I knew I wasn't alone, and I knew that even if you felt my pain, you would be okay, and you are still here, beautifully active at almost thirty-nine weeks. I can't wait to tell you stories of my grandma, the woman who wanted to put her funeral plans away "until May," being just one of the many people in our family who have made a huge impact on me, and soon, you.

You're going to be a big boy, from what I've been told. I can tell. I have a huge stomach now, and the other night, you were sticking limbs out all over--enough, even, to wake me in the middle of the night. But, I love your size. It means I can feel your little feet stretching out on the right side of my stomach, under my ribs, and I can also feel you below my belly-button, pushing on my bladder. I can feel your length, and I'm guessing I feel the weight of your cheeks, if you got them from your mother, that is.

Your size and placement don't make things easy these days, but I'm okay with it, and I love you just the same. My love for you is much larger than the slight physical pain of pregnancy, or the increased trips to the bathroom.

Charlie, I really love you. You'll get to know me over the years, and you'll realize how completely weird I am. You'll hear my sarcastic jokes, but hopefully you won't pick the habit up too quickly. You'll probably hear me use choice profanity at poor drivers, or when I totally screw something up, or playing a serious game of Scrabble, but let's hope you won't pick that up either. Fingers crossed. You'll hear me sing at the top of my lungs, as I do now, and you'll probably ask me to stop, and it'll break my heart. But I hope you do pick up that habit of singing without a care. Your dad did, so you'll hear him sing all sorts of notes and pitches, without concern of whether or not they are correct. But he's super happy, and you'll see that, and that's important.

Speaking of him, I can't wait for you to meet your daddy. He loves children, and he is so excited to meet you. I can tell he is so proud of you already. He has been able to feel how active you are, and he likes to say that you'll be a "ninja baby." See? You'll like him. He's a little weird, too, just like me. Get used to weird. But know that we'll love you so, so much. Your dad is a tender, sensitive person, with a marvelous sense of humor, and a laugh that will forever stick in your mind. (He's not always a pushover, though, so he might be the tough one at times. More than likely, I'll be the tough one, but you'll get used to that.) Your dad is going to read to you, take you on walks, bring you in the yard to play, sing to you, and make you some excellent food. He's going to teach you so many things; he's so smart. Plan on asking him all of the important questions. He'll be able to tell you why the sky is blue and the difference between snow and sleet. You'll do experiments with him, and you'll learn to cook from him. You'll also witness how to treat a girl with respect. Since we're much older than you, and married, he will likely grab my butt in front of you, and I'll grab his right back, so I'm sorry for that in advance. You'll learn patience from him, and you'll learn how to be a good person. Whether or not you choose that route will be up to you, but know that I am confident I picked the best man to be your role model.

I should warn you: you will have three siblings when you enter this world. Their names are Sadie, Henry, and Ava, and they are here to love you. Sadie will act like your second mom, hovering and protecting. Ava will likely be a princess, but she'll want to share space with you, cuddling. Henry will lick you, and he'll lick you a lot. You'll probably love it, but I'll try to keep him under control. We'll have to come home every day and feed them, take them outside, but you'll probably love their company. They are some of the best pets. We couldn't ask for better.

You also should know that your daddy and I are both teachers. This means that we, at any time, could mention our "kids." When we say this, it means our bundles of rotating energy at school. You'll likely hear: "I love those kids," or other more negative things, after a bad day. You'll always be number one, though. I hope you see that both of your parents have the ridiculous gene that makes them inclined to help people, even if it takes extra time. Big hearts run in the family; this makes life more difficult sometimes, but it also makes life more rewarding. You'll see.

With that said, in just ten days, you are due to enter this world. I'm also turning 27. You'll be my birthday present, no matter what day you actually arrive. You'll be the best gift I've ever received. You've been handmade by God, so you are top quality. I won't have to wonder whether or not I'm getting you; I won't have to unwrap you. Sure, childbirth is going to be a heck of a lot harder than opening a present, but it'll be well worth it.

I don't know who you'll become when you're five, ten, fifteen, twenty-five, or fifty-five. I know I can't completely control who you become, as much as I may want to at times, so I'll try to let you figure things out. No matter what, you'll always be my baby, and I'll always be there for you.

Charlie, I completely love you, and I can't wait to meet you.

love, mom

4.5 weeks to go

I have one month left (give or take) before my life is going to completely change. Thank God for family and friends who are willing to help me keep my sanity and get prepared.

Dana came over today to help get the nursery organized. We went to get some tupperware containers to hold bigger clothes/onesies, and we organized the smaller onesies, packed hospital bags, washed loads of laundry, etc. It was a lot of work, but I feel very productive--even though Dana did much of the work. I just don't have much energy these days.

My biggest complaint lately is the lack of sleep. I feel so tired, but by the time I'm in bed, my back aches, my chest hurts, and it's just not a good environment for sleep. I basically didn't sleep much at all for two nights straight, which led me to take a Tylenol PM last night. And...I slept like a rock! I even slept in a little..until 8:15 a.m., which is a huge deal! Of course, by the time 3:00 p.m. rolled around, I was really starting to feel the many days before with no sleep, but hey, one day at a time!

My only other complaint is the emotion. I am starting to feel those emotions that occur once a month, usually, but for me they're every day or close to it. The tears come on over nothing; I take things more personally...you know the drill. I'm going to assume it's the hormones mixed with my ever growing motherly instincts. I'd like it to take a chill pill, though.

Lastly, Justin has started track season as head coach. This is great for him, but man I hate how late he gets home! I also know that for the next month, he'll be gone every Wednesday night (late) and Saturday for meets, so I'm going to have a lot of alone time to wonder when I'm going to go into labor, and also wonder whether or not he'll be able to get to me quickly. Luckily I have back up drivers, etc., but it makes me feel very vulnerable knowing he might be far away when the time comes.

Let's just hope it's on a weekend or in the middle of the night. Until later...

6.5 weeks and counting

Am I really going to meet him in under two months?

Lately, my emotions have been tossing and turning from complete excitement and joy to utter terror--mostly of the process of labor. After reading some last night and watching some articles with information and advice, I felt much better. It's going to be a crazy ride.

In other news, J and I had off today for snow. It's been one of the snowiest winters I can ever remember, and it's been a blessing since I've been pregnant the whole time. The school has struggled to get us in for a full week since...November? I can't remember when it all started. Since I'm working six days per week, this has been amazing. I don't know that I could have kept my second job if we didn't have all these days off. I am, however, ending the second job in April.

My baby shower is coming up, and I'll admit, I've always had mixed feelings about showers. Alright, I pretty much don't like them--any shower for that matter. My bridal shower was fun, but it was also quite uncomfortable for me. I didn't like all of the attention being on me, and I really didn't like opening all the gifts in front of everyone. There's this idea in my mind that #1 it makes people feel like they have to buy something and #2 people compare what others get and buy. I really don't care what people buy me, and I wish the pressure wasn't put on them to bring anything at all. But that's the point of a shower, it seems, so I guess I need to just accept and indulge. I've never, ever liked opening gifts in front of people. It always made me uncomfortable, thinking I might open something I don't understand or I'd open something I already had, but wouldn't want to upset the other person. I'm not very good at hiding emotions or lying, so it's always made me feel weird to showcase the gift-opening time.

With that said, I'm really excited. Why? I get to have a good group of women near me, who I hang out with and love, and they all get to meet each other and socialize. That part is awesome. There are people coming who I didn't expect would, and that shows me how gracious they are with their time and how sweet they are to come at all.

I also need to realize that this shower is not about me...it's about Charlie. People LOVE babies, and they love seeing friends having babies, so why wouldn't it be fun? Truth is, I actually do enjoy baby showers, for a short amount of time, and as long as there aren't a lot of games. I prefer no games, to be honest. That's why we're not really doing any at mine! :)

What else is new? All I talk about these days are items on the baby brain.

I am happy to say that I'm more in love with Justin than ever before. Yeah, we have our days, but he is so incredible. He's the only person I could go through all of this with--pregnancy, fear, emotion, tears, whatever. He's so calming and kind. He's also extremely patient. I've watched him with other kids lately, and it makes my heart swell. He actually held a friend's newborn the other day, which is something he has never done--well, with someone he doesn't know. The closest to that he's held is my sweet cousin, who was a couple of months old, during my grandma's visitation. Other than that, he seems too shy. Yet, he held the sweet newborn girl the other day, and it was adorable. He leaned back while her body spread itself all over his chest. He looked completely natural.

He also makes me laugh more than anyone else. Sometimes his jokes are so (dumb) silly, but they crack me up just the same. He's always happy when I think he's funny. He doesn't realize how funny he really is--even when it's not a dumb joke. He's so witty, and it amazes me every day.

We enjoy time together (and hopefully will continue to, after baby) doing little things--board games, drawing on each other (yes), and cooking/baking.

Today, we decided to bake cookies. He picked thumb print, and I wanted peanut butter. So, we halved the recipes (we only had two eggs left) and made both. I know that he loves seeing me follow and recipe and bake; I usually have no interest in doing so, and he really enjoys it, so he likes when I actually want to every now and then. We also like doing these things together, so we'd help with each step. It's not in a sicky, I-have-to-be-with-you-all-the-time way, but rather a I-really-enjoy-working-as-a-team kind of way.

They were really good cookies.

In other news, Ginny visited this weekend, which was awesome! She was only here for an evening, but it was so worth it. She took us out to dinner, which was totally generous and kind of her, and we had Japanese steak house. We talked, made dirty jokes, and ate ice cream. Then she left the next morning, and that's when I left to take mom out for her birthday.

Mom and I went to brunch at a local restaurant, and it was sooooo good. We had creme brulee french toast with homemade whipping cream and strawberries. It was to die for. We then drove around and shopped for the afternoon. It was fun since we didn't have a deadline, and it wasn't like we were shopping after school. I think she had fun, and it was a memorable day.

I'm glad we went yesterday since we got slammed with snow today--on St. Patty's day, no less!

With each day, I still miss my grandma, but a good realization cry every now and then never hurts, and it actually makes me feel much better.

I hope you enjoyed your St. Patrick's Day! [Maybe Patrick will be his middle name?]

d

7.5 weeks to go

I am in the home stretch, and I'm getting more excited and nervous with each day.

I've been reading labor stories, which is probably a bad idea.

I've been putting off breathing techniques, probably because I'm getting nervous.

I've been packing up my classroom, getting ready for when I leave in a little over a month.

I've been planning like crazy, hoping to keep life sane in the coming weeks. The over-planning tends to happen when I foresee chaos.

With that said, I've been very excited. Charlie moves much more these days. I can feel his limbs often, which is amazing and wild. I see him move around all the time. It's like he's more of a person in there.

I still can't tell how he's positioned, but I have an appointment on Friday, so maybe they can tell me.

We put the carseat in the car to get used to the idea. We got some clothes from a very generous friend. We got nursery items from another very generous friend. I borrowed some maternity clothes from a sweet friend, hoping they will last me until the end. I seriously cannot find anything to wear these days!

I try not to drop anything because it is such. a. pain. in. my. butt. but. mostly. my. stomach to bend over at all.

I've been eating too much these days. I blame it on the kid this time.

I'm up entirely too late.