As many of you read, I wrote a "Dearest Charlie" post back in April before he was born. Well, here's another letter to Charlie after three and a half months with him. I go back to work full-time tomorrow, so this felt like an appropriate time to write again.
Dearest sweet, sweet Charlie,
I love you.
I knew I should have never questioned that before I met you. I feel exactly how I expected. I am positively in love with you. I've gotten to tickle your belly and rub your hair, smell you, hold your hands, touch your toes, and kiss your cheeks.
I thought I'd be nervous, and sometimes I am, but this has been such a natural experience so far. I thought you'd be more to handle than you actually are, and for that I am thankful. I've wiped your tears after you wake up hungry and crying, I've rubbed your forehead to soothe you, and I've rubbed your back to show you I'm close. You are on a flexible sleep schedule, and I don't worry about it as much as I thought. I get more sleep than I ever expected, and it's hard on the nights I don't, but not as hard as I thought. I am usually not grumpy, and when I am, you cheer me right up. I wake up a little mad that I have to get up to feed you, but once I'm in the nursery with you, that all disappears. I love you so much, and at this point, it feels like I would do anything to keep you safe and happy.
Everything was perfect when you arrived three and a half months ago. Everything was fine.
Being a parent is not easy. It feels natural, though, in a way I can't really explain. Yes, it's physically tiring, and yes, it can be very emotional, but I stay happy and I smile and I don't cry like I thought I would. Little did I know, I really enjoy the work of being your mom. I pushed you out, and I did and still sometimes stay sore, but my bladder is stronger than expected, and my stretch marks don't bother me as much as I thought they would. I do, however, plan to wear a one-piece the rest of my life, and that's okay with me. You're worth it.
We have had good days and bad days, as expected. You may have seen my cry once or twice, in the very beginning, but you wouldn't have known. Your eyesight was blurry for a while, so technically you didn't see much of anything. I know we'll go through rough sleep patches, but so far it's been okay, and I haven't cried over that. We'll see how I am when I start work full time. Things are looking up. Time has passed since the deaths that once affected me. They still do, but I don't have time to think on them much. I miss my grandma more than anything, but I know she's looking down on us, and your blue eyes tell me that. Maybe they'll change, but I like to think you'll have eyes like hers. I put your pictures in albums, wishing I could bring them to New York to show them to her, but I know she'll meet you one day. I wish, so badly, that I could introduce you to her, to talk to her about you, to let her hold you, but in that I am selfish. She is in Heaven where she is living without trouble breathing, and she can see us peacefully. She has been showing herself in the cool summer we've been having. I know it's her giving us one more cool New York summer, even though we couldn't make it up there this year. She knows that we wanted to, but we also didn't want to be sad all over again. She wouldn't have wanted me to drive Charlie all the way up there, anyway, so I know it's okay. Charlie, you have been healthy from the start, and that tells me you'll be okay. You'll be whoever God want you to be, with whatever problems are meant for you. It won't be because of my pregnancy. You are beautiful.
You were a big boy at 8 lbs 15 ounces! You have long, long limbs. Your arms and legs are incredible, and your long little toes and fingers. I don't care one bit that you pushed on me. You lightly push me now, when you're nursing. You grab me when your sweet hands, you wrap yourself around my waist, and you lightly kick at my side, so excited to be getting milk. It is incredible. I love you under my ribs. I love your length. I love your weight.
Charlie, I love you so much. I still use profanity, and your daddy calls our "earmuffs!", as if you know what I'm saying. I guess I need to change that bad habit of mine when I get irritated. You watch us play games, now, and you hear me sing. You hear daddy sing, and you love it.
Speaking of your daddy, he friggin' loves you. He is absolutely in love with you. He doesn't call you a ninja baby anymore, but he talks to you all the time. He reads you stories, he walks around outside with you, and he really knows how to make you laugh. He is, in fact, the one who made you smile and laugh for the first time. How lucky is he? He takes you on walks, offers to watch you when I want to go somewhere, and he has always loved playing with you. He quietly takes you in every day and every moment he's with you. I knew he would be great.
Sadie has become your second mom, and Ava is curious. Sadie is very protective of you, as she has been from day one. Henry, on the other hand, is quite aloof. He coudn't care less, and he just moves along with himself in his own little cat world. You don't seem to notice the animals much, but you do like to look at Sadie.
I love you, Charlie. I start work tomorrow, and I don't know what it will be like. I'm almost sure I'll have a break down in the coming days. I'm going to realize that this is a full-time job, and so is parenting, and I'll have to do both at once. Please be patient with me, Charlie. I will do the best I can.
I love you. I can't wait to see you after my long first day of work tomorrow.
love,
mommy
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
3.5 months old
Charlie...loves to keep his hands up near his face. It comforts him.
...moves his little feet back and forth slowly when he nurses. It reminds me of how adults move their feet around before or after sleep.
...hates riding in the car at times. He has to have a nice full stomach and be in the right mood to not cry.
...laughs a lot more now. He laughs when we make faces or tickle him.
...is starting to look like an older baby--as of this week.
...is going to the babysitter's tomorrow to start full time, and I'm freaking out.
...talks a lot in the middle of prayer at church, and I secretly love it.
...loves his little lion toy that hangs from his mat.
...hates tummy time. This kid will likely sit up and roll over later than most babies.
...loves being outside. If he's upset, that's all we have to do. I love sitting with him and my morning coffee--along with Sadie--to watch the leaves move.
...grunts very loudly when he is pooping. It's hilarious.
...makes me want to move to a house with a basement. I have a strong urge to protect him, so this no-basement house is getting a little old.
...nurses for around forty minutes, and he always has!
...has started to giggle a lot more now; the best laugh was when I made his feet move like a piano and sang the notes.
...makes me want to stay in our house forever, knowing that this is where we began a family.
...loves to be close to my chest. He falls asleep while nursing a lot, and I can tell he just loves being there.
...makes me dread the day I'll stop nursing because of how much I love him close to me.
...is starting to like the swing more and more now! He seems to enjoy watching what's going on around him.
...wakes up once a night, most nights, then again at 4:30-5:30. Some nights, however, like last night, he slept from 9 p.m. - 4:30, then again until 8:30. It was great.
...makes me feel so guilty for having to wake up him early for work. He won't get those extra few hours we give him now.
...has beautiful blue eyes, and I'm starting to wonder if they'll change. They look hazel sometimes.
...only has maybe two pairs of socks that fit him. His feet are so long! His legs are starting to chunk up, so maybe we will find more soon.
...cuddles against my shoulder at the end of a long day at the babysitter's house. He's exhausted, and I secretly love this time I have with him.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
hold and grab
I just want to jot down that Charlie, for the first time, actually grabbed a toy we were holding in the air--and shook it a little. He actually flung it as far as he could.
It's so funny; as parents, when he does something as simple as that, we know how BIG of an accomplishment it is, and it feels so amazing when we see it happen.
I'm so happy to see what comes next.
It's so funny; as parents, when he does something as simple as that, we know how BIG of an accomplishment it is, and it feels so amazing when we see it happen.
I'm so happy to see what comes next.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Thoughts on Charlie and Motherhood
Disclaimer: I barely get time to write anymore, so this is a patched-together attempt at a blog post about the thing that has changed my life completely: parenthood. This post likely be edited later, but heck, I have to get something "down on paper" before I run out of time before work.
Every day, my brain starts thinking of the perfect words to express how motherhood feels, but I never seem to stop, reflect, and write. Writing is something that frees me in ways that nothing else does, yet it's one of the hardest things for me to do sometimes--now, mainly, because I have a 13-week-old infant.
On May 6, my life looked like this: daily grind, sit at home and do whatever, go on dates whenever, and sleep in till whenever on weekends.
On May 7, I went into labor.
On May 8, I had the most beautiful baby boy, and my life now looks like this: get up and think about Charlie, think about what's best for Charlie during the day, watch t.v. while I nurse every two to three hours, get distracted by said show because I am watching my son breathe and move his toes in content and release a long, happy sigh; get Charlie ready for bed, go to bed, check the monitor to make sure he's out, wake up one to two times per night to nurse him, wake up early for either work/errands/Charlie or time-before-Charlie-wakes-up-bliss.
And guess what? My life is enriched more now than it ever was. Those days of sitting around all the time to watch t.v. or sit on Facebook or (cough) write blogs are now days of watching my son grow with little steps each day, making sure he gets adequate food, checking on him while he sleeps, washing his many loads of laundry--just to name a few.
I'm not going to say life is easier. It's quite the opposite. But it's more rewarding, and it's more meaningful. This is not to say that anyone without a child doesn't have a meaningful life. Please don't read into it that way. I'm simply finding the good in a new lifestyle.
Let this be known: I try not to worship my son or live only for him. I once read that it's good to follow this order: God, spouse, child. I am trying to keep that in mind, but I'll admit that it's so hard! The last thing on the list just happens to be the cutest little creature I've ever seen, and heck, my husband can take care of himself! With that said, I'm trying to evenly distribute my love. I think I'm doing an okay job so far.
I am finally here to tell you about motherhood and my life so far, but where do I start? There are so many things I want to say, and so many momentous occasions I want to record, but where in the world do I start? I guess I'll tell you that the reason I'm really sitting down, finally, to write this is because I start work as a high school teacher again in just a week and a half. To say I am nervous and sad is an understatement. I'm totally freaking out. I know that there are tons of working moms out there, but sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by SAHMs. There's nothing wrong with either lifestyle, but let's just say I'm hoping to find some friends who are working moms! Luckily, there are many moms at my school, so I look forward to having something else in common with them.
With that said, here are some thoughts about motherhood:
I thought it would be much, much more difficult to have a baby. Don't get me wrong: it is difficult. However, I used to think ahead to life-with-baby, and I thought it would be nights with NO sleep and days with NO fun. There's this weird habitual joke with many parents to say, "Oh, kiss [insert something blissful you enjoy doing in life] goodbye after you have that baby!" This is completely untrue. Now, it's true that you won't really have time to do many of those things, but let's not forget the reward in their place.
It has also been easier to continue doing things I love because I have an extremely supportive and active husband. Without him, I could see the more negative side of parenting, but thankfully I don't have to. I respect and praise all single parents out there, or all spouses who are in one-sided relationships.
Two different situations with two complete strangers really made me think about parenthood. Both happened at my retail job.
First, when I was about 30-35 weeks pregnant, I got on a small ladder to get some shoes down for a customer. I was wearing an apron, so she didn't know I was pregnant. A co-worker called across the store, "Dianna, I'll get that! You get down from that ladder. You're pregnant!" Suddenly, all of the women surrounding me on the floor rushed to my aid (as if I had actually fallen). "Oh honey, be careful! You have the most precious gift right now; you need to take care of it!" I wasn't offended by their advice at all. I mean, I was really pregnant, and I was pushing the limits. I tend to be stubborn, and I don't like to look incapable of doing things--like getting on a little four-foot ladder. Little did I know the reaction I would get! The point of this story is that the women then crowded around me, asked what I was having, what his name would be, when I was due, and any other little question I got every other day. However, instead of joking about how much life would suck after having Charlie, they genuinely looked me in the eyes and told me how incredible it would be. They told me I would enjoy every minute, and I would love the experience. They told me there was no love like the love I would have or Charlie.
That was the best time to hear those words--when I was really pregnant, working seven days per week, and starting to get nervous about labor.
The second conversation was about six weeks into parenthood. Justin was back to work, and I stopped back by my retail job to show my friends the baby. I was waiting on a friend to get off the phone with a customer when a woman walked up to me and Charlie. I had him sitting in his carrier on the counter. She immediately asked how old he was. When I told her he was (four or six?) weeks old, she proceeded to gasp and coo and smile. She went on and on about how incredible being a parent is, how precious Charlie was, and how much fun, fun, fun he would be. She got so excited, she even turned to her husband and said, "Honey, come here, it's a sweet newborn; come look." He then reached over Charlie and smiled at him, commenting on how sweet he was. Turns out, her husband was a teacher also, so we also had that in common. It was so cool. She was openly discussing how amazing parenthood is. Now, let's not get this confused with people who say, "Enjoy every moment. It will go by so fast." Sometimes, that can make new parents feel like every moment should be perfect. What if we don't enjoy the high-pitch screams? Instead, this woman calmly expressed how incredible it was, without making it seem either 100% perfect or 95% terrible.
I read an article on HuffPost once from the point of view of a new mom. She said that at one point, she was sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, so she took her baby to Target to walk around. While shopping, someone stopped to say how absolutely cute her baby was. Just this little positive conversation helped the new mom feel great and remember how cute her baby really was--by cute, I mean all-around precious--and it reminded her of the good needed to get through the next few days. Even though I'm having a much easier time than this mom, it really made me think. We should all stop to say how sweet a baby is, instead of staring or not saying anything at all.
I digress.
Now, I should first mention that Justin and I are both on summer break. This has made the transition into parenthood much smoother, I'm guessing. We have worked together as a team through everything, which has been awesome. We are home with Charlie much of the time, so we've been able to hang with him before going back to work in the fall. Life will be much tougher when school comes along, but we are cherishing what we have now.
Here are some things that get difficult with a baby around:
1. watching juicy television
2. writing blog posts (this has taken me days, people)
3. going to bed without thought
4. sleeping through the night
5. carrying a large amount of items
6. showering
7. grocery shopping
8. taking pictures
9. going to the store
10. going on trips
11. game nights with friends (now, impossible)
12. shopping for clothes/shoes on your own
Here are some things that make the difficult times easier:
1. Charlie's genuine smile
2. Charlie's scent. Justin says he smells good "like his mommy."
3. His bald head. Seriously, it's great. It really gives him that old man look.
4. Shared jokes and laughter between Justin and me in the middle of chaos.
5. Seeing Charlie grab, hold, and move a little tiger stuffed animal for the first time.
6. Hearing Charlie "talk."
7. Making Charlie laugh by blowing on his stomach.
8. The look I now share with other moms in stores.
9. The openness of my mind now that I know what having a baby is like, and it's humbling.
10. The moments when Charlie will actually cuddle with me under my chin.
11. A super helpful husband
12. Friends that work around the baby naps and early bedtime
After reading the list, realize that humor is key. If Justin and I didn't laugh, make fun of the baby and ourselves (in a loving way, of course), make some dirty jokes and call out "earmuffs" when Charlie's around (as if he knows what we're saying), we'd be pretty serious people. When we go to work, it will be harder to be as "chill," but with some laughter, lowered expectations, and non-serious attitudes, we should be okay. Each day (and night) is new. Things change all the time. Embrace change.
Right now, life is great. Sure, when work starts, it's probably going to suck for a while. The best thing I can do is realize that life isn't perfect, no baby or relationship is perfect, and no lifestyle is perfect. I need to stay positive. I need to enjoy each little thing Charlie does; one day he will be so big, I won't remember when he was a baby--which is why I'm trying to write more on this blog.
I don't write or post to make anyone think I have a perfect life or a better life than him or her. I write so that I can remember. I'll be posting more soon--including my birth story. For some reason, I don't want to forget that, either.
More soon.
D
Every day, my brain starts thinking of the perfect words to express how motherhood feels, but I never seem to stop, reflect, and write. Writing is something that frees me in ways that nothing else does, yet it's one of the hardest things for me to do sometimes--now, mainly, because I have a 13-week-old infant.
On May 6, my life looked like this: daily grind, sit at home and do whatever, go on dates whenever, and sleep in till whenever on weekends.
On May 7, I went into labor.
On May 8, I had the most beautiful baby boy, and my life now looks like this: get up and think about Charlie, think about what's best for Charlie during the day, watch t.v. while I nurse every two to three hours, get distracted by said show because I am watching my son breathe and move his toes in content and release a long, happy sigh; get Charlie ready for bed, go to bed, check the monitor to make sure he's out, wake up one to two times per night to nurse him, wake up early for either work/errands/Charlie or time-before-Charlie-wakes-up-bliss.
And guess what? My life is enriched more now than it ever was. Those days of sitting around all the time to watch t.v. or sit on Facebook or (cough) write blogs are now days of watching my son grow with little steps each day, making sure he gets adequate food, checking on him while he sleeps, washing his many loads of laundry--just to name a few.
I'm not going to say life is easier. It's quite the opposite. But it's more rewarding, and it's more meaningful. This is not to say that anyone without a child doesn't have a meaningful life. Please don't read into it that way. I'm simply finding the good in a new lifestyle.
Let this be known: I try not to worship my son or live only for him. I once read that it's good to follow this order: God, spouse, child. I am trying to keep that in mind, but I'll admit that it's so hard! The last thing on the list just happens to be the cutest little creature I've ever seen, and heck, my husband can take care of himself! With that said, I'm trying to evenly distribute my love. I think I'm doing an okay job so far.
I am finally here to tell you about motherhood and my life so far, but where do I start? There are so many things I want to say, and so many momentous occasions I want to record, but where in the world do I start? I guess I'll tell you that the reason I'm really sitting down, finally, to write this is because I start work as a high school teacher again in just a week and a half. To say I am nervous and sad is an understatement. I'm totally freaking out. I know that there are tons of working moms out there, but sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by SAHMs. There's nothing wrong with either lifestyle, but let's just say I'm hoping to find some friends who are working moms! Luckily, there are many moms at my school, so I look forward to having something else in common with them.
With that said, here are some thoughts about motherhood:
I thought it would be much, much more difficult to have a baby. Don't get me wrong: it is difficult. However, I used to think ahead to life-with-baby, and I thought it would be nights with NO sleep and days with NO fun. There's this weird habitual joke with many parents to say, "Oh, kiss [insert something blissful you enjoy doing in life] goodbye after you have that baby!" This is completely untrue. Now, it's true that you won't really have time to do many of those things, but let's not forget the reward in their place.
It has also been easier to continue doing things I love because I have an extremely supportive and active husband. Without him, I could see the more negative side of parenting, but thankfully I don't have to. I respect and praise all single parents out there, or all spouses who are in one-sided relationships.
Two different situations with two complete strangers really made me think about parenthood. Both happened at my retail job.
First, when I was about 30-35 weeks pregnant, I got on a small ladder to get some shoes down for a customer. I was wearing an apron, so she didn't know I was pregnant. A co-worker called across the store, "Dianna, I'll get that! You get down from that ladder. You're pregnant!" Suddenly, all of the women surrounding me on the floor rushed to my aid (as if I had actually fallen). "Oh honey, be careful! You have the most precious gift right now; you need to take care of it!" I wasn't offended by their advice at all. I mean, I was really pregnant, and I was pushing the limits. I tend to be stubborn, and I don't like to look incapable of doing things--like getting on a little four-foot ladder. Little did I know the reaction I would get! The point of this story is that the women then crowded around me, asked what I was having, what his name would be, when I was due, and any other little question I got every other day. However, instead of joking about how much life would suck after having Charlie, they genuinely looked me in the eyes and told me how incredible it would be. They told me I would enjoy every minute, and I would love the experience. They told me there was no love like the love I would have or Charlie.
That was the best time to hear those words--when I was really pregnant, working seven days per week, and starting to get nervous about labor.
The second conversation was about six weeks into parenthood. Justin was back to work, and I stopped back by my retail job to show my friends the baby. I was waiting on a friend to get off the phone with a customer when a woman walked up to me and Charlie. I had him sitting in his carrier on the counter. She immediately asked how old he was. When I told her he was (four or six?) weeks old, she proceeded to gasp and coo and smile. She went on and on about how incredible being a parent is, how precious Charlie was, and how much fun, fun, fun he would be. She got so excited, she even turned to her husband and said, "Honey, come here, it's a sweet newborn; come look." He then reached over Charlie and smiled at him, commenting on how sweet he was. Turns out, her husband was a teacher also, so we also had that in common. It was so cool. She was openly discussing how amazing parenthood is. Now, let's not get this confused with people who say, "Enjoy every moment. It will go by so fast." Sometimes, that can make new parents feel like every moment should be perfect. What if we don't enjoy the high-pitch screams? Instead, this woman calmly expressed how incredible it was, without making it seem either 100% perfect or 95% terrible.
I read an article on HuffPost once from the point of view of a new mom. She said that at one point, she was sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, so she took her baby to Target to walk around. While shopping, someone stopped to say how absolutely cute her baby was. Just this little positive conversation helped the new mom feel great and remember how cute her baby really was--by cute, I mean all-around precious--and it reminded her of the good needed to get through the next few days. Even though I'm having a much easier time than this mom, it really made me think. We should all stop to say how sweet a baby is, instead of staring or not saying anything at all.
I digress.
Now, I should first mention that Justin and I are both on summer break. This has made the transition into parenthood much smoother, I'm guessing. We have worked together as a team through everything, which has been awesome. We are home with Charlie much of the time, so we've been able to hang with him before going back to work in the fall. Life will be much tougher when school comes along, but we are cherishing what we have now.
Here are some things that get difficult with a baby around:
1. watching juicy television
2. writing blog posts (this has taken me days, people)
3. going to bed without thought
4. sleeping through the night
5. carrying a large amount of items
6. showering
7. grocery shopping
8. taking pictures
9. going to the store
10. going on trips
11. game nights with friends (now, impossible)
12. shopping for clothes/shoes on your own
Here are some things that make the difficult times easier:
1. Charlie's genuine smile
2. Charlie's scent. Justin says he smells good "like his mommy."
3. His bald head. Seriously, it's great. It really gives him that old man look.
4. Shared jokes and laughter between Justin and me in the middle of chaos.
5. Seeing Charlie grab, hold, and move a little tiger stuffed animal for the first time.
6. Hearing Charlie "talk."
7. Making Charlie laugh by blowing on his stomach.
8. The look I now share with other moms in stores.
9. The openness of my mind now that I know what having a baby is like, and it's humbling.
10. The moments when Charlie will actually cuddle with me under my chin.
11. A super helpful husband
12. Friends that work around the baby naps and early bedtime
After reading the list, realize that humor is key. If Justin and I didn't laugh, make fun of the baby and ourselves (in a loving way, of course), make some dirty jokes and call out "earmuffs" when Charlie's around (as if he knows what we're saying), we'd be pretty serious people. When we go to work, it will be harder to be as "chill," but with some laughter, lowered expectations, and non-serious attitudes, we should be okay. Each day (and night) is new. Things change all the time. Embrace change.
Right now, life is great. Sure, when work starts, it's probably going to suck for a while. The best thing I can do is realize that life isn't perfect, no baby or relationship is perfect, and no lifestyle is perfect. I need to stay positive. I need to enjoy each little thing Charlie does; one day he will be so big, I won't remember when he was a baby--which is why I'm trying to write more on this blog.
I don't write or post to make anyone think I have a perfect life or a better life than him or her. I write so that I can remember. I'll be posting more soon--including my birth story. For some reason, I don't want to forget that, either.
More soon.
D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
LinkWithin
