Change

More has happened in the last few weeks than I ever imagined.

I got a new job.

What!?

Yes, I did. It's unreal. I will be working in the same county as J, and I'll be teaching 10 pre AP and 11. Wow. No more 9th. That hurts my heart a little bit, but I'm also excited.

So let's back up.

J has wanted me to be in his county since he decided he liked it there. I've always tried to get him to come to my county. We live closer to my county, but my school is much smaller with fewer opportunities. He tried to get me to apply to his county last year, and I decided against it. I knew he wanted me to this year, but I wanted to wait until I had five years under my belt at my current school, so I didn't think I would.

Well, we got a call one morning to ask if I was going to be interested in the jobs at one of the schools. Turns out, J had talked to a friend and said I might be interested, so she was checking in. It put me on the spot that morning around 6:30 a.m., so I said no.

Later that morning, I told my friend about the opportunity. He then told me that he had looked into another job, even though he had previously thought he would be staying, and that he would probably take it.

This was going to be my fourth friend leaving the school (with another soon to come), and I realized the timing was meant to be. I quickly sent J a text telling him I would be interested, so he let his friend know. This was Thursday or Friday, I think.

I turned in my contract for my current county Tuesday morning. I got a call Tuesday afternoon asking me to interview (talk about stressful timing!), so I set it up on Thursday afternoon. I was nervous all week. I hadn't interviewed in four years, so I felt out of practice. I've never been good at them. J and I studied together the night before to help me out. He asked me about 50 questions, and we typed up my answers. We printed it off at the end for me to review them. Little did I know, only one question would be asked from that list (and not even the same variation), but it did help me feel more confident and prepared.

I left at 2:45, and my two friends said they were called for a reference survey before the day was over, which means they must have called right after I left.

The next morning, Friday at 10:30 a.m., I got the call that they wanted to hire me. I won't go into detail, but this sent me into a crazy frenzy for a good two hours. This was a huge decision. I knew I had to get out of my current contract, and I also knew the offer was for 10th pre AP and 11th grade, not 9th and 10th, which is what I was used to. It was all happening so fast, and I knew I needed to figure things out before the weekend; otherwise, I'd have to sit on it and stress for the next two days.

I went to the school board to ask permission to get out of my contract, and it was granted. They were so nice about it that I got in my car and started crying. The county I attended high school in, and taught in for four years, was being so nice when I was asking to leave. It suddenly reminded me of all the great things about that school and county.

In the same breath, I knew I was a creature of habit, and if I didn't take this job, I would probably stay in the same county for years and years, only looking back to regret not trying something different. I also knew I would want adventure throughout my life, and although it stresses me out, it also keeps things interesting and exciting, so this seemed to be the right adventure to take.

I took the job.

I didn't expect it to happen, and I still have moments where I wonder what it will be like, how difficult it will be, and how things will be different. Change is scary and new, but it's good for me. I will learn from this experience and become a stronger teacher. I can always go back to my home county after some experience elsewhere, but for now, this is a good opportunity. We will also save a ton in health insurance, and I'll make a little bit more. J and I will ride together most days, which could be a good or bad thing.

The hardest part of this life change is having my friends and I all going on to new adventures at one time. I take a while to get to know people and trust them, all due to my past experiences, so when I finally see someone as a friend, I love them dearly as my friend, and to see them go breaks me a little.

It's also terribly difficult to say goodbye to my sweet students. I love them so much, more than they know--all of them, really--and it breaks me to leave them. My husband reminds me that I'll find and love students in my new county, but it's hard to believe it. I know he's right, and I'm looking forward to new kids.

All in all, though, it's getting easier to think of a new place with new people and a new environment.

Four out of six English teachers are leaving.
Five of my friends are leaving.
It will be my fifth year of teaching.
I had the right connections.

It's my time to go.

Wish me luck!

The Every Day

[written last week]

It's funny how I've gone from writing more often about less important things to writing less often about more important things.

One day I'm going to wish I had written about the every day life. I'll look back and wonder what we spent our days and our quiet weekends doing. How did we handle a one-year-old boy? How did we fill the time?

I already look back on the days he was first born and forget what it was like. J and I have to sit and really push our brains to remember certain details of those weeks. They may have been hard, but I want to remember. I'd like to be able to tell the stories one day. I want to have more detail than what everyone else says: "Oh, you're in for it!" or "Say goodbye to sleep!" Maybe these people have just forgotten the beautiful, yet difficult, little details of the every day. They're really quite extraordinary.

Many of my posts have been centered around Charlie--for good reason. But the every day routine centers around us: his parents. As J would say, I center C's world, and our family centers our day-to-day activities and motivations. J and I have figured out a nice common ground. It was rough for a month or two--just figuring things out. It got rough when Charlie was starting to move but not move--so he got frustrated a lot. This seemed to rub off on us--on me, mostly, and when I'm in a bad mood, the whole house seems off.

Things are calmer now, and the day-to-day is nice. I'm finding myself in a happy place.

We didn't go to church again today. We go when we can, but many times Charlie naps right around ten, and if he doesn't get that nap, he gets pretty cranky.

Yesterday, for instance, he didn't nap until 3:30 because we had a family get-together around noon. It was on the farm, and it was beautiful. I'll admit I still get overwhelmed at the amount of people in J's family (and many were missing); I love being around them, but after a while, I'm ready to find a place that's quiet. We had a good time meeting the cousins, but then we tried to take Charlie into the pool, and he absolutely hated it. He was red, even after sun screen, and he screamed. The water was a little cold, but I think he was just terrified of the amount of water around him, and he was panicking. I don't blame the little guy.

Plus he hadn't napped all day, and he was surrounded by a large number of people he usually never sees. When we tried to take a family photo, he and the other cousin who is 10 months old screamed through the whole thing. They're at the age where strangers scare them a little, and it was so evident! It stressed me out a little, of course. You never want your kid to be the one upset, but I also seem to handle it better than I expected. J was trying to get Charlie to slowly enjoy the water, and after I came back from going into the house, he was still holding him in the pool while he screamed. I had to intervene at that point, which showed me that I am a protective mother, and I don't care who judges me for it. In front of his family, I called out, "Justin, don't force him to stay in the water! Just get him out. He doesn't have to like the water today." I didn't even care that fifteen people were around seeing me getting irritated. I just wanted Charlie to feel safe again (and no, I'm not an overprotective parent--quite the opposite).

We went home and napped. I was absolutely exhausted, and I needed to sleep. C slept in his crib and I slept on the couch. J was able to stay awake to watch t.v. I then left to supervise prom and stayed until 10:30 or so, going to bed by 1 a.m. I was totally wiped out today! We stayed home all day waiting for it to storm, but it never did. We filled our time with little activities such as the following: dancing in front of the radio, opening and closing cabinet drawers, standing up and sitting down, crawling in circles, walking outside, listening to the birds and talking back, cuddling (rare moment of exhaustion), kissing foreheads that lean in, waving to each other, singing, laughing…a lot, dancing more, making fart noises with our mouths, spitting food out by accident while making said noises, laughing some more, eating yummy food, cooking, walking outside, and more. Charlie led the way, and we kept him happy. It was beautiful, and it always is.

Before bed time, we got out to drop J's car off because we're late on the inspection. Per usual.

Tomorrow J is driving me and Charlie in, and he'll come pick us up. We'll have to go grab the car and make it back to run by the grocery store-then home. Phew. I'm tired just thinking about it.

This week is also going to be nuts. We have something going on every single day after school--and then next weekend is totally booked.

But life is great, and I am loving every day.

New Baby Must-Haves

New Baby Must-Haves! My Guide to Get You Through Year One

I remember reading numerous articles with lists. Man, I loved looking at lists. However, they were slightly overwhelming, and I didn't really follow through with any one particular list, so I'm not sure they helped me much. Many of the lists I read were from bloggers who promote certain brands or advertise for them, so I never really knew who to believe.

Well, I've created a list for you. This is my list of must-haves for life with a new baby--through the first year. I have attempted to narrow it down to the bare minimum, but I am going to try to list specifics. We didn't want to spend a lot of money, and I know you don't either! We achieved my goal of getting most of the items listed from friends or thrift stores. You'd be surprised how many like-new items are sitting at "used" stores! None of them were dirty, and no one would know they weren't new. I also found incredible deals at yard sales.

I promise you that each of the items below were, at some point or another, extremely important in the process of becoming new parents. This list will get you through 1 year old. I will forget about some, so I'll be adding to this frequently.  For fun, I'll list a few items you don't need at the bottom.

Here goes:

Travel

• Car seat travel system: Graco Click and Connect: It's extremely helpful to have a removable carrier that you can then bring into the store or into your home. You will need this until your baby is around eight months old, or sooner (I already can't remember!). It's totally worth it! We got our set from a generous friend.
• Convertible car seat (8+ months): Graco MyRide 65 Convertible Car Seat
• Travel Noise Machine: Okay, so we don't really know if he likes this or not (we got a stuffed giraffe with a bunch of different sound options), but we used it every time we got in the car, and heck, it put us at ease, if anything.
• Car Mirror: Charlie still loves having a mirror to look at. He looks at his feet, his toys, himself, and it entertains him for a while!
• Comfort Toys/Books: I always kept the same toys in the car to give to him once we got in. I figure that simplicity and repetition is a good way to create a safe, comforting environment. As he gets older, I grab books, toys, or whatever! He loves pretend reading to himself the whole way to the babysitter's. I don't worry too much about the comfort thing now, but I do keep the same toys in the car that he can "find" when we get in.
  

Bedtime

• Swaddlers: These are life saving!! When your newborn is screaming his little head off because he's not wrapped tight enough, these things will be amazing. They comfort the little guy and make him feel safe. This was the ONLY thing that got Charlie to sleep.
• Pacifiers: our favorite brand has been MUM from Target. When he was little, we got NUK beacuse they were kind of turned up, so he could hold them in better. He sucked at holding the bink in his mouth (no pun intended). If you're going to use pacifiers, once you find one he likes, buy as many as you can afford. You're going to lose them constantly, and it's a moment of fear when you can't find one.
• Diapers: We went with Peampers diapers. We had heard that Huggies can leak with boys, and we later found out this was very true! Huggies night diapers also gave Charlie a rash.
• Noise Machine: Although I would like to eventually wean Charlie from this, it's been great so far. We keep it on the lower setting, and it simply drowns out other sounds nearby. I assume it's been working. This costs around $50, but it has worked great since we bought it.
• Room-darkening curtains/blinds: This is not a necessity, from what I've heard, but it's been great for us. Contrary to popular belief of non-room-darkening parents, Charlie can still sleep find at other homes without the curtains. During nap time, the sun shines through the sides of the windows, which lets light in. The curtains we are using are from Wal-Mart; they were an old pair we had. I actually really like them because they're probably not excellent quality, which means a little light still comes in. They help keep the room cool and dark, when needed, and we are really glad we got them.
• Crib liners: These were bought new with our gift cards. Over time, we've decided that 3-4 is a great number to have on-hand.
• Crib sheets: 3-4 sheets 
• Books: Use books as part of your routine! We read to Charlie every night before bed. It works wonders! He loves reading. Make sure to get baby books that YOU like. I mean, you're the one stuck reading them, right? 
• Video Monitor: Do you want peace of mind? Do you want to be able to sleep like a rock? These suckers are expensive--very expensive--but very worth it. We got a Motorola with our gift cards, and it's been great. It's got night vision. Here are a few things we have used it for over the first year: checking to see if baby is alive, checking to see if baby is breathing, checking on baby when he makes weird noises, checking for pacifier BEFORE making noise and going into the room, checking to make sure baby is still swaddled, checking to make sure baby is on back....the list goes on and on. Now we just watch Charlie stand up and wait for us or sit and talk to himself. It's free entertainment! I guess I'll have to get rid of it eventually, but I am in love with it now. It allowed me to sleep perfectly when he was little. Right before bed, I would quickly check him, and since I could actually SEE that he was okay, I'd sleep peacefully. I never had to go into his room to check for breathing or anything. SO WORTH IT!

Keeping Clean/Diaper Bag Essentials

• Diaper bag: I got mine at the thrift store. You think you want one that's all "cutsie," but in reality, it holds spilled breast milk, formula powder, and food. Sure, cute bags are nice, but I barely even noticed I had a diaper bag. I carry it with me when I need it, but it's meant for business (har). I keep my purse and my work bag really nice, so I'm not giving in to mom-hood fully.
• Burp Cloths: We used all sorts of cloths for burp cloths. Sometimes we had to get creative. My recommendation is to find some you like and get a bunch of them. Stash them wherever you might be in your day-to-day routine. You will need them constantly the first few months. We preferred thin, soft burp cloths. They were easy to fold, and you could pack more of them!
• Wipes: The BEST wipes we have used are Pampers Natural. We were using the generic Target brand, and Charlie had a rash for months. I don't think they worked well for him. The Pampers Natural have been great so far.
• Blankets: During the first summer, I used the nice, light, cotton blankets all the time. I would cover his car seat when he was asleep or if we were out in the sun. The blankets were used to  catch rain on stormy mornings, and it kept him warm. I used other warmer blankets during the fall and winter. I used a quilt made my my mother-in-law on our living room floor. This served the purpose of a mat, it was beautiful, and Charlie loved looking at the patterns. It could also be easily washed!
• Changing Pad: We bought one padded changing pad, and it happened to be at a yard sale -- great condition. Only one is needed! It's covered in plastic, so it's very easy to clean.
• Changing Pad Covers: I was so concerned about this one for some reason, but we ended up using TWO the entire first year--that's it! Good to know, right? Basically if you put down a little white pad under the diaper, it will catch any spills (gross), so you can use the pad cover longer.
• Vaseline/diaper creme: We used Vaseline, Aveeno diaper creme, and Desitin (the best, all around). We tried the A&D, but it didn't seem to work.
• Baby lotion: Aveeno baby lotion has been great.
• Nail clippers with attached light: This will seem excessive...until you use it. It is amazing! Do you know how difficult it is to see little fingernails and toenails? Do you know how long and sharp they get? These are completely worth the extra few bucks--and they're still really cheap.
• Face wipes: We haven't used these a lot, but they're basically just little packs of wipes--or pacifier wipes--for his face. They have baking soda to clean. They're just a nice, easy cleaning tool for when you're on-the-go. We probably went through three packs in the first year. Now that he's older, we rarely use them.

Clothing/Shoes

• Onesies: The easiest thing would be to buy a few of each size ahead of time. I liked soft onesies--they made me feel like I was taking care of Charlie. So I would spend a little extra if you can find some that are quality. The others are so thin. I, of course, got most of these second-hand, but he grew through them so quickly, I had to buy sets of four. I found some awesome sets for about $15 at Kohls.
• Socks: If I could go back, I wouldn't care about cute. I would buy ONE BILLION white baby socks in the same color. No lie: they will disappear out of thin air. I lucked out and got bags filled with new socks from a yard sale later one--but in the beginning, I should have just gotten all white. Or all blue. Or red. Just all one color.
• Pajamas: We love the zip up pajamas. I don't remember when he started wearing them instead of being swaddled, but they've been a staple item since. 
• Cold-weather body suit: I got an AMAZING hippie-fied winter weather zip up suit with fold over mittens from a local thrift store--great condition--for under $10! It worked beautifully, and he was adorable in it, and people complimented it all the time.
• Fuzzy Boots for Winter: I found an absolutely adorable pair of furry, fuzzy boots at a consignment sale. I'm going to admit something: I was willing to spend $12 on those suckers, but luckily they were half off, so I got them for $6. First of all, they were one of my favorite accessories for him ever!! Also, they worked wonders. They fit over his big feet and socks, and they were super comfy. Did I mention how adorable they were??

Food/meals

• High Chair: We went with a used Eddie Bauer wooden high chair I found on Craigslist for $20 (originally over $100). It definitely looks used, but it adds character to the wood. If I could go back, I might get a more comfortable chair; it's really hard, and there's not room to move much. Now that Charlie is older, when he wants to get out, he pushes back, and then hits his head. Having a softer high chair would be better, probably! With that said, it's good quality, and it serves us well. I refuse to buy another one now that he's this old. :)
• Bibs: We never got the kind that "catches" food because I doubt they work. We bought a ton of used, clean bibs at the thrift store. I like terry cloth or plain cotton bibs. They're cheap, and they work great. We kept little stashes of these suckers everywhere: the car, the nursery, the kitchen, the bag. We used them all the time.
• A few bottles: I would say we needed maybe 3-4 bottles. We could then trade them out, and we always had a clean one ready.
• Multiple bottle nipples for replacements: The nipples are another story. If you find a nipple he likes, buy those suckers up! We went through them like crazy. They get dirty, tear, and somehow, you'll lose them. Charlie preferred Avent Natural.
• Reliable pump: I used a Madela double breast pump, and it was fine. I hated pumping, so I hated everything about it, really. It got the job done. No complaints!
• Bags for cleaning pump parts: I'll admit I didn't use these as often as I should have...I just washed them with dawn soap, but I did use them for a while, and I probably went through 4-5 boxes of them. They were helpful, and they make you feel like you're being smart and clean.
• Milk storage bags: I needed a ton of these. I was pumping at work, so I used them all the time. I would recommend getting the bags that can sit up on their own. The others would fall or almost fall, and it was stressful. You can also buy plastic containers to hold the milk, which is probably much easier!
• Nursing cover: I was a bit shy about nursing in front of...well, anyone except my husband and my best friend. I had two of these, and they came in handy. I had the kind that was like an apron--a friend gave them to me--and they were very quick and easy. Nothing fancy, and they did the job. For the record, it's insanely hard to get a baby to latch and hide yourself in front of your family or guests, so you want something with easy access.
• Baby food: You will need it eventually, so why not buy it now? I had a stash that I collected from friends who gave me leftovers that they didn't use. I needed it much quicker than expected, and it was nice to have on hand. I kept oatmeal, rice, and a few other things on hand. Now that he's older, I keep a bunch in the cabinet, and a few in his bag--just in case. I still buy some baby food because it's so quick and convenient, and I also make some.

Play/toys

• Play mat with mobile: We got a precious mat as a gift. It had a turning mobile with music. I would completely recommend splurging on this. When the little guy can hardly move or make noise, this motivates him. Charlie absolutely loved laying under the mobile and cooing at it as it spun. Totally worth it.
• Pack-n-play: Yes! This is a great thing to have. We were given a used pack-n-play, and I found one at a yard sale for my parents' house. We've used it his entire little life, and I'm sure we'll get a lot more use out of it. We never used the bassinet on top--seemed a little unstable, possibly, and we just used the floor or his changing table. In other words, you don't need the bells and whistles!
• Swing: This was a necessity. We used a really nice swing we got second-hand. The batteries run out very quickly, so make sure to keep spares! This swing was an excellent use of time and a great place for quick naps. I remember thanking God above for letting him finally fall asleep in the swing. He went though a stage where he needed a nap so badly right after school, but he wouldn't sleep anywhere else.
• A few toys: We didn't need a lot of toys at all. I got some second-hand, but we got a few with our gift cards. The teethers and other slobbery toys were bought new, but some of the little shaker toys were found at yard sales. Babies don't need a lot of toys at all. Charlie has maybe six or seven main toys he loves now. We never throw them all out on the floor. We take some out and then switch them every few weeks. He thinks they're super cool when he hasn't seen them in a while. :)
• Storage for the toys: I bought a neat basket for our living room for all toys to go (in a corner, hidden), along with a soft fabric container for his toys in his room. The living room basket is great because I can do a quick clean in a matter of minutes. The container in his room holds all of his stuffed animals.
• Books (that YOU find interesting): You're going to be reading the same books every night, so get some that you find funny! Sandra Boyton is AWESOME.
• Jumper Thing/Bouncy Thing: We borrowed this from our in-laws. It had pretty toys to look at, and he could spin around. Charlie LOVED it, and we probably should have just bought one. He used it for a long time.

Improvised Toy Options:
When you can't find his beloved toy, grab one of these:

• Stretchy sock
• Plastic measuring cup
• Diaper
• Plastic Cup
• Just about anything in reach, as long as it's safe 

Nursery

• Changing table/dresser: I didn't think I wanted one because I was going to use a dresser we had, but that would have been stupid. It was great! I found one at a yard sale for $20. It came with everything.
• Crib: I found a solid wood crib on Craigslist. It still sells for $600, which is absurd, but I got it for $50. The lady was crazy to sell it. I wasn't even pregnant yet, but I knew I would need one, and it was over the summer when I had time to search. It's great quality, and it has served us well.
• Bassinet: My friend let us borrow a bassinet, and thank goodness she did. I didn't even think about this ahead of time. Charlie slept in a bassinet for the first 6-8 weeks of his life until he moved into his room and his crib. We put the bassinet at the end of the bed, so he was always right near us. I could easily get up and nurse him, or J could get up to check on him. We also loved being able to move it around. The first few nights of Charlie were spent in the living room downstairs. We could easily bring the bassinet downstairs with us where he could sleep. I kept it in the living room a lot when he was brand new. It was a safe place to put him while I was trying to get stuff done. It also got him used to sleeping in it so he was more comfortable at night.
• Laundry baskets/laundry detergent/laundry system: I hate laundry, and there's definitely more to do with a baby. We keep a laundry basket in his room and when it's full (it's a small one), wash the clothes. We use a baby-safe detergent, though I'm not sure what it's called. I've gotten a few different ones, and they all seem to work fine.
• Numerous plastic bins with lids: Every time we get through another size of clothes, I have bins to keep them organized. I have a bin for every size so far, and we're already at 18-24 months! It will fly by, and you'll be glad you have a good place to store and organize all of your clothes. You may even want to get rid of some. We have SO many from when he was little.
• Under-Crib Plastic Bin: I saw this on a blog somewhere, and it has been perfect! We keep all of Charlie's extra sheets and blankets under his crib. That way we always have back-up, and it doesn't take up extra room in his fairly small room.

Bathroom

• Toothbrush: You ca n buy a little system of toothbrushes to fit each age. 
• Toothpaste: I found a great toddler toothpaste at Target. It's some natural brand, so it's safe for babies. It tastes wonderful (or so it seems), and he looks forward to brushing his teeth every night!
• Thermometer: Charlie had his first fever a few weeks ago, and we had a great thermometer in the house, thanks to a family member who bought it as a gift. It's around $40, but the peace-of-mind is worth the money.
• Bathtub with sling
• Baby Shampoo: We've had luck with Aveeno baby shampoo, and it lasts forever! We've used two small bottles in his year of life.
• Flexible pitcher for rinsing hair: This is a great little gadget that sort of prevents getting water everywhere, but it's also just a nice cup-like tool to wash the baby with. It's about $5, and I highly recommend it.
• Baby towel/soft towel: I wouldn't get actual baby towels for long--maybe one or two to get you through the first few months, but then we switched to adult towels. It just made sense. Baby towels didn't even really cover his body, so why not switch? We just made sure to use a nice, soft towel.
• Safety Kit: We have a safety kit from our registry, and we had to use it for the first time last week. Thank goodness we had it!

Here are the items you may want to buy, but you most likely won't need:

1. Newborn Diapers: Charlie was in these for...like one week...so I wouldn't buy too many.

2. Cute Newborn Accessories/Socks/Shoes/Clothes: we have gotten almost everything second-hand, and it's been amazing! Charlie grew out of his clothes every week anyway. Some of the cutest clothes were worn once or not at all. Also: shoes have been completely unnecessary. He is walking now, and I still don't put him in shoes. Call me a hippie, but why should he wear them? He can't even walk well yet! I will say, though, little fuzzy boots for winter were awesome. That is all.

3. Cute Diaper Bag: This really doesn't matter, but get one you feel good carrying around. I thought this would matter to me; I wanted a beautiful bag. In the end, I got a red thrift store diaper bag, and it worked perfectly. To be honest, keeping a nice leather purse with me was more important. I wanted to still feel like me.

4. Unnecessary Extras like bottle warmers and wipe warmers. We never needed these.

5. Night-time Diapers: I'm not sure how I feel about these. We stared out using them--Pampers--but he still leaks through often. Recently, we switched to just using a regular diaper at night, and surprisingly, you can't tell a big difference. I'm not sure if it's worth the extra cash. Maybe we need to try another brand...

6. Cute To-Go Changing System: you may never really use it. I've changed Charlie on-the-go a few times, but it was as easy as a blanket on the seat. You don't need all the fancy sets they try to sell you.

7. Bumbo: We did not use this. By the time he could sit up enough to use it, his legs were too chunky. It didn't seem worth shoving him in there, and he still developed in a timely fashion. The bumbo was not necessary for learning how to sit up.

8. Baby Music: I love music. I hate little kid music. I've been playing my music in the car, and it's been fine. He picked his favorite (a local artist), so when I play that CD, he totally calms down and stops crying (if he is upset for some reason). This CD has proven to be helpful, and it's not an annoying baby CD with kids who sing off key and can't speak proper grammar!! :)

Happy 1st Birthday!

Dearest Charlie,

One year ago, today, I met you for the first time. The moment I looked at you, my whole world swelled with an intense, rich love. I was spinning with emotion. I had never been more in love with someone my entire life. Don't get me wrong, I love your dad, and I felt giddy when I met him, but it took hours and days for the process of love to happen between us. I didn't know him when we met. I didn't know you, either, but it was an innate, intuitive love that swallowed me up. My heart was drowning in absolute joy--and still is.

One year ago, I decided I would never go back to my life before you. Sure, there have been some changes and sacrifices. Your dad and I don't go out as often, and we don't socialize as easily. It takes time. We didn't sleep much at first, but we settled in easily enough. It takes significant effort to do little tasks, such as go to the grocery store, or simply get into the house with all my school bags. What I notice, however, is that I've never complained less in my life. You have humbled me. I do these things because I'm your mom, and I would do anything for you. I don't mind the extra bags and weight carried because you don't weigh me down; you lift me higher than I ever imagined.

One year ago, I held you more carefully than I would hold glass. Being a mom means I am constantly thinking about what is best for you. I keep it under control, but I worry about how much television you see at the babysitter's, how little time I spend with you during the week, how upset you'll get when we ween you from the bottle, or how you'll struggle when we take away your pacifier indefinitely. I think ahead to the future, too: Where will you go to school? How will we get you to preschool? Will you make friends and have fun? Will you be shy like I was? Will you get through middle school without anxiety?

One year ago, I held you, and you instilled in me a confidence I didn't know I had: the confidence of my purpose to be your mom. Sure, I worry and question things, but then I look at you smiling back with those eyes and your father's sideways smile, and all of my fears rest.

One year ago, I met you for the first time. I became a mom.

I am now a better person. I open my heart wider. I thank God more sincerely. I empathize with other parents. I understand children. I work harder. I'm a better teacher. I appreciate quiet time. I look forward to seeing you each morning. I feel and I love.

I love, and then I love more.

I am consistently vulnerable.

I am the best version of me.

Love, mommy

- - - - - 

Your stats:

27 lbs 31 inches (?)
8+ teeth
first words: daddy, kitty cat, dog
favorite foods: bananas, avacado, peaches, cheese
favorite toys: teething toys,
favorite books: Sandra Boyton, 100 first words
favorite activity: dancing with us