Prone to Wander, Lord I Feel it...

I ordered a Bible yesterday.

It's been a while.

Years.

- - - - - - 

My childhood consisted of attending church on Sundays, praying every night, praying before meals, and going to youth group with friends. I was even part of Awanas.

I'm not sure where it all changed. 

I got sick of church. I got sick of the people. I got sick of the guilt. I got sick of the schedule. I got sick of the hypocrisy (me included). I slowly separated myself from the idea of church, but I still sang in worship team whenever possible, which was the time I was the most involved in praising God, praying, and reflecting. Thank goodness for worship team.

The time I realized I needed God again was about two years ago. I broke down crying on the way home from worship team one day while pregnant. My grandmother was very ill, and my friend and coworker was dying of pancreatic cancer. I felt so incredibly alone in the sadness and fear. I felt guilt for the depression. I needed something more than my house, my husband, and even the sweet child I was growing. I did feel comfort in Charlie most times, but I realized I needed God to hold me up. I just couldn't do it. After we had the baby, life was very busy and exhausting. It was also very beautiful--overwhelmingly so. We missed a lot of church, due to distraction and lack of energy, and I think I just slipped out of the rhythm. I kept going to worship team and singing when possible, but my world was revolving around my new baby. I knew he was a gift from God, but I was still focusing more on him than on The Giver of Life.

I've always been a Christian, and I've always been thankful in good times and even thankful for dark times. There is always something I've learned. Something happened, though, and I don't know what it was, or when it was, but it just made me think God wasn't as important as he inevitably is. It was mostly witnessing hypocrisy (which is ironic) and losing faith in the people of God, as well as my own heart.

I'm still not a huge fan of the structure of organized religion, and I am not the type to feel extreme guilt if I miss a Sunday service. I'm no conservative, I'm not one to preach, and I'm very private in my worship. I don't push religion on anyone, and I don't expect anyone to believe what I do. Although it's not a popular idea, I do respect all religions and beliefs. I wouldn't want them to push on me, so I don't push on them. I realize, though, how important it is for me to have God in my heart and people of Christ around me. 

At my new job this year, I had a really rough first semester. I was talking to my colleague about it one day, and she said, without knowing me well, "I don't know if you believe in a higher being, but sometimes you just need to realize it is out of your hands. Give it to God." I didn't even know this kind friend, but I felt the compassion. I knew that she was there for me, and we were in it together. Although we're in it together, we both have to turn to God.

We are going to a new church now, which is heart-wrenching, since I left behind an incredible worship team family, but I do find that I'm having time for reflection in praise instead of being in front of people, making sure to get the harmony just right. 

Last week, I heard these lyrics, from a very familiar song, but these lyrics that I have seen for years suddenly meant something dear to me:

Come thou fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

Streams of mercy never ceasing

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

Praise the Mount I'm fixed upon it

Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Hither by Thy great help I come

And I hope by Thy good pleasure

Safely to arrive at home

Jesus, sought me when a stranger

Wandering from the fold of God

He, to rescue me from danger

Interposed His precious blood

Ode to grace, how great a debtor

Daily I'm constrained to be

And let Thy goodness like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above

The chorus is what really got me. I'm extremely "prone to wander," and with the new job, new house, new friends, and new situation, I realized how lonely I was and how far I had shifted off the path. I also realized how preoccupied with my own life I was--and still can and will be. I need God. I need His peace. I need His presence. I need His forgiveness and grace. 

So, I ordered a Bible yesterday. 

A soft, leather Bible.

It's been a while.

Years.